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RICK & BUBBA FOR PRESIDENT The Two Sexiest Fat Men Alive Take on Washington By Rick Burgess Bill Bussey Martha Bolton Thomas Nelson Copyright © 2008 Rick Burgess and Bill Bussey with Martha Bolton
All right reserved. ISBN: 978-0-8499-1878-0 Chapter One ADVANTAGES OF CO-PRESIDENTS
The idea of a co-presidency is relatively new to the American political scene. The closest we've come to such a concept is Bill and Hillary Clinton, or Hillary and Bill, depending on the election year.
The idea has some merit, and some say it's long overdue. That is why this November you will have the opportunity to elect a new type of candidate. We want to be the first official co-presidency candidates in America.
What are the advantages of a Rick and Bubba co-presidency?
* We could save the country a fortune by taking advantage of two-for-one specials at all the Washington DC eating spots.
* When one of us makes a mistake, we could blame it on the other one and leave the usual scapegoat, the vice-president, completely out of it.
* At press conferences we could interview each other and not leave anything to unpredictable reporters.
* The way our system works now, very few Americans ever get the opportunity to serve as president. If we start electing dual presidents, or someday maybe even group presidents, it will substantially increase all of our chances of one day getting to live in the White House.
* Americans will be able to take comfort knowing their president is well rested: When we go on Meet the Press one of us can take a nap while the other one answers the questions.
* If one of us chokes on a pretzel, the other one will be nearby to do the Heimlich.
* Sometimes it takes more than one president to keep Congress in line.
* If one of us loses our place in the State of the Union address, the other one can take over for him.
* If one of us gets the nuclear codes mixed up with, say, our checking account number, the other one will probably catch the mistake.
* And finally, the idea of a Rick and Bubba co-presidency is such a novel idea, we get to write a novel about it. (Okay, so it's nonfiction, but authors are always mixing up those concepts nowadays anyway.)
(Continues...)
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Contents Acknowledgments....................xi
Introduction: Why? Why Not?....................xiii
Advantages of Co-Presidents....................1
Our Campaign Strategy....................3
Foreign Affairs....................7
The National Debt....................11
Campaign Funds....................17
Newbies....................19
The Rick and Bubba Presidential Library....................23
Rick and Bubba "Live from the White House"....................27
The FAA....................31
A Taxing Situation....................35
The Stephen Colbert Factor....................41
Government on a Diet....................43
Getting out the Vote....................45
Press Conferences....................47
Campaign Promises....................49
A Few Changes....................51
First Pets....................53
First Ladies....................55
Is There a Doctor in the (White) House?....................59
Rick and Bubba's Patients' Bill of Rights....................65
Our Cabinet....................69
First Kids....................73
Campaign Slogans....................77
Why Betty Will Not Be Surgeon General....................79
The Heat's On....................83
Rick and Bubba's Backward Plan for America....................89
One Nation under God....................91
Setting a Few Things Straight....................95
Washington Mishaps....................97
We Do Solemnly Swear....................101
The Debates....................105
Front Porch Politics....................107
The Underdog Wins....................111
Reality Check....................113
Rick and Bubba Are in the House....................117
The Not-So-Secret Service....................121
Royal Protocol....................123
The Supremes ... Court, That Is....................125
Merry Christmas from DC!....................129
Skeletons in Our Closet....................133
Presidential Denials....................137
Government Waste....................139
Presidential Sound Bites....................143
The Presidential Limousine....................145
Term Limits....................147
Sunrise, Sunset....................149
Only in America....................151
Air Force One....................155
Crime and Punishment....................157
First Pitch....................161
Free Trade....................163
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Groups Whose Vote We Don't Plan on Getting....................167
Monumental Changes....................171
The Balcony Vote....................175
The "Look"....................181
The Medical Disclosure....................183
Completing the Smithsonian....................187
Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize....................189
The New List of "Endangered" Resources....................191
What's Right about America....................195
Victory Speech for When All Major Networks Call the Race in Our Favor....................203
Speech for When Networks Withdraw Their Premature Announcement of Our Victory....................205
Concession Speech for When the Votes are Finally Counted and We've Been Found Wanting....................207
Concession Speech for When the Fourth and Final Recount Has Been Performed and Every Hanging Chad Has Been Accounted For ... and Once Again We've Been Found Wanting....................209
When All Is Said and Done....................211
Epilogue: From a Father's Heart....................215
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