How to Be Happy Though Married by Tim LaHaye

From the Publisher

Marriage was God's idea, and the best advice on the subject is still to be found in the Bible. In this modern classic, Dr. Tim LaHaye shows a new generation how to develop physical, mental, and spiritual harmony in marriage. This book makes a fine wedding or bridal shower gift. And it's a good choice for any couple wanting a refresher course on what the Bible says about marriage.

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How to be happy though married

Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Chapter One

ONE OF THE MOST ENDEARING French fairy tales of all time-Beauty and the Beast-has spawned Broadway musicals, a TV series, an animated Disney film, board games, a Nintendo action thriller, ice shows, and thousands of Web sites, all celebrating the proposition that opposites can and do attract. These days, the phrase is even employed as shorthand to convey a certain meaning; for example, when Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra got married, we knew exactly what the entertainment media meant when they called the union a "beauty and the beast" marriage.

In its original form, Beauty and the Beast is the story of two people who couldn't be more opposite-Vincent and Katherine. Vincent is a ferocious, disagreeable character who meets the goodhearted, virginal Katherine. She sees beneath his contemptible appearance and gruff mannerisms and falls in love with the furry creature, warts and all. He falls in love as well, but the Beast is sure his love can never be requited because of his ugly appearance. When Katherine trusts her heart and accepts him unconditionally, Vincent is transformed into a smooth-shaven, handsome young man, and they live happily ever after.

If only life imitated art. In counseling couples over the last fivedecades, I've come across numerous "beauty and the beast" personality conflicts that top the list of marital discord.

"Why did I get married in the first place?" is the typical refrain I hear from one of the partners. "We have a hopeless personality conflict! If I say my dress is black, he disagrees and says it's navy blue. We argue about what time it is. We can't even agree on what restaurant serves the best Italian food."

Why do couples bring out the worst in each other? Why do opposite personalities attract each other? Why do two people who are so different get married?

To answer these questions, we need to become acquainted with what makes people tick. Many suggestions have been offered: economic background, length of education, the neighborhood we grew up in, and our ethnic heritage. These characteristics have a bearing on our differences, but so does our temperament-something we inherited in our family genes-and we really don't have much say-so in the matter.

You can find many different theories of personality types in mall bookstores. For the purposes of this discussion, I would like to refer to my book Spirit-Controlled Temperament, in which I outlined four basic temperaments and detailed the strengths and weaknesses of these temperaments. My purpose was to show that the Holy Spirit working in the lives of Christians can help them overcome their weaknesses. Allow me to present a condensed description of the four temperaments to show why opposites attract each other.

First of all, human temperament is a fascinating study! Temperament includes the combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affect a person's behavior. These traits, passed on by the genes, include intelligence, race, sex, and many other factors. The alignment of temperament traits stems from four basic types. Many of us are a mixture of temperaments, representing characteristics passed along by parents and grandparents. One temperament type usually dominates in individuals, but strains of one or two others will always be found. For instance, extroverts are predominantly sanguine or choleric in temperament, while introverts are predominantly melancholy or phlegmatic.

Before we dive further into understanding these temperaments, let me state that I know words such as sanguine and choleric aren't used much in today's language. They are time-honored descriptions of temperament, however, and if you will stick with me and learn them, you will discover a great deal about yourself and your partner. Temperament is an important facet of marital happiness because it helps explain why people with differing personalities are attracted to each other.

One more point: It would be much simpler to report that only four temperaments exist. While I agree that one of the four dominates in each individual's personality, we all have a secondary temperament that to some extent influences our behavior. For instance, my temperament is choleric-sanguine, while Bev is more phlegmatic-sanguine. Keep that point in mind as you read more about the four temperaments.

THE SANGUINE TEMPERAMENT

Men and women with the sanguine temperament are warm, buoyant, and lively. They are naturally receptive, and external impressions easily find their way to their hearts. Their emotions-rather than reflective thoughts-are the basis of most of their decisions.

Sanguine types enjoy people, shy away from solitude, and are at their best when surrounded by friends, where they can take center stage. They have an endless repertoire of interesting stories to tell, making them fun to be around at parties or social gatherings.

Mr. or Mrs. Sanguine is never at a loss for words. Sanguines often speak before thinking, but their open sincerity has a disarming effect on their listeners. Their freewheeling, extroverted ways of living make them the envy of more timid temperament types.

Their noisy, blustering, and friendly demeanor makes them appear more confident than they really are, but their energy and lovable disposition get them through the rough spots of life. People have a way of excusing their weaknesses by saying, "That's just the way Sam is," or "Lisa's always running behind, but you can still count on her."

Cheerful, fun-to-be-around sanguine people enrich the world. They make good salespeople, hospital workers, teachers, flight attendants, news anchors, actors, actresses, public speakers, and community leaders.

Back when they were in high school, the sanguine types were voted "Most Likely to Succeed," but they often fall short of this prediction because of weak wills. Sanguines who find themselves ineffective and undependable tend to become restless, undisciplined, egocentric, and emotionally explosive.

THE CHOLERIC TEMPERAMENT

The choleric temperament is found in people who are hot, quick, active, practical, and strong-willed. They tend to be self-sufficient, independent, decisive, and opinionated, finding it easy to make decisions for themselves as well as for others.

Mr. or Mrs. Choleric thrives on activities. Cholerics love to be involved-not because they seek stimulation but rather because they want to stimulate others with their endless ideas. Their ambitious minds are always "on," planning long-range projects and making snap decisions. They do not vacillate under pressure of what others think. They take definite stands on issues and can often be found crusading for great social causes according to their political bents.

Adversaries seldom frighten them; conversely, cholerics welcome the challenge because they want to prove they are right. They possess dogged determination and often succeed where others fail-not because their plans are better than anyone else's but because they push long after others have become discouraged and quit. These natural-born leaders will storm the hill or take on city hall. Their motto: Either lead, follow, or get out of the way.

The cholerics' emotional nature is the least developed part of their temperament. They do not suffer fools gladly, nor do they sympathize easily with others. Male cholerics are often embarrassed or disgusted by the sight of other men crying. They have little appreciation for the fine arts because their primary interests lie in the utilitarian values of life.

They are quick to recognize opportunities and equally as quick at diagnosing the best way to make use of them. Although cholerics are generally well-organized, details bore them. They are not given to contemplation; they prefer making quick, intuitive appraisals. Once they have defined a path, they will run roughshod over individuals who stand in their way, although these opportunists have a Machiavellian streak that is not above sneaky end arounds.

Many of the world's great generals and leaders have been cholerics. They make good executives, idea men, producers, dictators, or criminals, depending on their moral standards. They can be no-nonsense department heads, cops, or Sunday school directors. I remember a Vacation Bible School director our church had one time. That summer, our VBS program was the best-run one ever, but the following year, we couldn't get any workers because the director had been so rude to everybody.

Cholerics, male or female, have a hard time with people skills. They don't need babying or pampering, and it's hard for them to adapt their styles to the needs of other people. Cholerics are difficult folks to live with. They can come across as hot-tempered, cruel, impetuous, and self-sufficient. The person with this temperament is often more appreciated by friends and associates than by members of his or her family.

THE MELANCHOLY TEMPERAMENT

Melancholy people are often dark, moody individuals prone to analyzing everything to death. Nonetheless, they can be self-sacrificing, gifted perfectionists with sensitive emotional natures. No one appreciates strolling the great halls of the Louvre Museum more than melancholic people do. That's why many of the world's great artists, musicians, inventors, philosophers, and educators have been of the melancholy temperament.

These self-described introverts come hardwired with a variety of moods dominated by their emotions. Sometimes melancholics' moods will lift them to heights of ecstasy ("I just loved the new Julia Roberts movie!"), but five minutes later, they can become gloomy and depressed ("I just can't seem to snap out of it"). If this occurs, spouses need to watch out. Withdrawn melancholics can be quite antagonistic and hard on a marriage.

When they're in a good mood, melancholics are your best buddies and friends. Unlike sanguine men and women, however, they do not make friends easily. Melancholics are initially reserved when meeting people, preferring for new acquaintances to come to them. They are perhaps the most dependable of all the temperaments because their perfectionist tendencies do not permit them to let others down. Their natural reluctance to remain in the background is not an indication that they don't like people but that they are simply reluctant to take people at face value. Thus, they have their guards up and act suspiciously when others shower them with attention.

Melancholics have an uncanny ability to figure out what to do when obstacles are placed in their paths. If a project needs to be completed within a seemingly impossible time frame, you can be sure a melancholic will find a way. This foresight contrasts sharply with cholerics, who rarely anticipate problems but are confident they can handle anything that comes their way.

Mr. or Mrs. Melancholy usually finds the greatest meaning in life through personal sacrifice. Melancholics are quite willing to put aside their personal desires if the sacrifice is worth it and accomplishes something for the greater good. This turns their cranks, as they say. Finally, melancholy people have much natural potential when energized by the Holy Spirit.

THE PHLEGMATIC TEMPERAMENT

Everyone loves to be around those with phlegmatic temperaments. They act calm, cool, and collected. They travel through life in the slow lane, content to take it easy. Life for phlegmatic people is one happy, pleasant experience after another, which is why they avoid entanglements with others as much as possible.

Phlegmatic types seldom get ruffled. They are the types who rarely express anger or laugh until tears are running down their cheeks. Their temperament remains steady, like Old Man River. Beneath their cool, reticent, almost timid personalities, phlegmatics draw from a good combination of abilities. They feel more emotion than appears on the surface and have a great capacity to appreciate the fine arts and the better things of life.

Since phlegmatics enjoy people, they do not lack for friends. They are natural-born raconteurs who love to hear a good story as much as they enjoy telling one. Known for their dry sense of humor, they have the ability to see the lighter side in everyday situations. Their retentive minds delight in poking fun at the other temperament types. Annoyed by the aimless, restless enthusiasm of sanguine people, they often confront sanguines with the futility of such enthusiasm ("Sorry, Charlie, but it's not going to work"). They are disgusted by the gloomy moods of melancholy folks and have been known to ridicule them ("Get a life"). They can even throw ice water on the bubbling plans of cholerics ("Fuggettaboutit").

Phlegmatics make great armchair quarterbacks, preferring to be spectators in life and keep others at arm's length. They like routine; anyone trying to get them to step out of their comfort zone will be met with reluctance. This does not mean, however, that phlegmatics cannot appreciate the need for action or empathize with the difficulties of others.

For instance, cholerics view social injustice with a crusading spirit, causing them to say, "Let's get a committee organized and do something about this!" A phlegmatic would be more likely to respond by saying, "These conditions are terrible! Why doesn't someone do something about them?" Phlegmatics are often kindhearted and sympathetic, which is why the world has greatly benefited from their gracious nature. They make excellent diplomats, office managers, accountants, elementary-school teachers, scientists, account reps, or other meticulous, detail-oriented workers.

The chief weakness of phlegmatics, which often keeps them from fulfilling their potential, is their dearth of motivation. Some husbands will say this about their phlegmatic wives: "She is a wonderful wife and mother, but she is one lousy housekeeper." A frustrated wife might say, "Joe is a wonderful husband, but he can't seem to get a promotion."

Although they are easy to live with, phlegmatics have a careless, low-pressure way of living that can irritate a hyperactive partner to no end.

Phlegmatics make good companions to their children because they find it easy to stop what they are doing and play with the children.

WHY OPPOSITES ATTRACT

The subconscious mind has far more influence on us than most people realize. This is graphically seen in the way we select our friends-and particularly in our choice of a life partner. Loud, gregarious, and extroverted sanguines subconsciously wish they could control themselves better. When they return from a party, the realization that they chattered endlessly and tended to dominate conversations often, in retrospect, embarrasses them.

Sweet, quiet phlegmatics or melancholics subconsciously think, I wish I could be more outgoing and expressive.

Continues...

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Excerpted from How to be happy though married by Tim LaHaye Copyright © 2002 by Tim LaHaye
Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

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