Tong Lashing (Sir Apropos of Nothing Series #3) by Peter David

From the Publisher

He's back. Sir Apropos of Nothing, the best reviewed anti-hero in modern fantasy makes his triumphant return and gets a severe "Tong Lashing" for his troubles.

Yes, the hero who reviewers have described as "Swiftian" -- Locus, "Schopenhauerian" -- Kirkus and "Cyclopian" -- Kirkus again -- and many other big words, has survived the events in his previous outing, The Woad to Wuin, events that would have killed a lesser man. Which is impressive considering it's hard to find a lesser man than Apropos: A con man, a knave, a scalawag...and those are his finer points.

This time out, Apropos finds himself out to sea...literally. Yes, our rogue knight winds up adrift in hostile waters after a "friendly" game of chance with a wizard turns ludicrously deadly. But once again Death is thwarted (or perhaps it simply wants nothing to do with him) as Apropos winds up a stranger in a strange land. A land called "Chinpan," populated by people who speak a different language and live by a code of honor, neither of which Apropos can comprehend.

And yet in Chinpan, Apropos slowly begins to examine his life and question whether he can aspire to true greatness. To become more than the hard-bitten cynic he's always been. He may yet be able to find a happy ending among a gentle people who are willing to accept him, faults and all. And he acquires a teacher who may even be able to set him on a road to true enlightenment.

But events conspire to pull Apropos in unexpected and dangerous directions. For his presence in Chinpan does not go unnoticed. What does the mysterious criminal organization known as the Forked Tong want with him? How do their plans tie in orconflict with the criminal Skang Kei family, and their enigmatic leader, Skang Kei Ho? What of the Mingol hordes? And what will be the fate of the Chin clan, including Double Chin, Cleft Chin, Kit Chin, and little Kit Chinette?

By turns hilarious and tragic, Tong Lashing leaves no signature moment of adventure unpummeled. Mysterious shadow warriors, demented rulers, martial arts lessons, ritual suicide...all that fun stuff and much more in this, the latest (and last?) adventure of Sir Apropos of Nothing.

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Chapter One: Ship Rex

Totally soaked and certain I would die as I desperately clung to a piece of driftwood, alone in a raging sea while the vessel I'd booked passage on slid to a watery grave, I couldn't help but consider that there was very little upside in playing games of chance with creatures of pure, unremitting evil.

I am not certain if that particular bit of advice will be of much general utility. It certainly lacks the universal appeal of cautions against going out of one's way to annoy magic users, or the hazards of involving oneself in the affairs of such beings. In point of fact, I had no idea when I sat down at a gaming table in the bowels of the good ship Larp that I would find myself, barely an hour later, the sole survivor of the poor vessel's explosive and disastrous end. On the other hand, if one had sat me down and told me that such events were about to transpire, I can't say as I would have been all that surprised.

I have that talent. The talent -- or insufferably bad luck, if you will -- to find myself in the midst of unexpected adventures, or disasters, or cursed happenstance, despite all my best efforts to stay out of harm's way. As any who have read my earlier autobiographical scribblings know all too well, I make it a full-time occupation to mind my own business, keep my head down, and stay well clear of danger whenever it presents itself. I can only say that danger has become devilishly clever in inflicting itself upon me. I would almost admire the ingenuity ill fortune displays in finding me and inflicting itself upon me if it weren't for the deuced inconvenience. It almost makes me wonder what there is about me thatseems worth the trouble. I'm damned if I can figure it out. Then again, for the things I've done in my life, I'm likely damned anyway, so I suppose it all evens out.

I bear the unlikely name of "Apropos," a moniker given me by my long-dead tavern wench of a mother. I was spawned as the result of her gang rape by a group of knights. As a consequence, I have an understandably jaded view of the world. Knights, after all, are supposed to represent all that is good and true, pure and decent in mankind. When a host of these avatars of wonderfulness spend their off-hours brutally raping a helpless floozy, with the end result being me, it should be easy to comprehend why I take the nobility of chivalry far less seriously than the common man. And that's speaking as someone who is as common as they come.

Curiously, this did not prevent my brief tenure as "Sir Apropos of Nothing" in the court of good King Runcible, and my even briefer status as future royal son-in-law. That business came to a fairly disastrous end, and after further misadventures I wound up fleeing the state of Isteria

altogether, in the company of a magic user named Sharee.

Sharee...

Odd. I thought we'd wind up together.

As I write about my life with the comfortable distance of years between my foolish youth and my positively imbecilic old age, I have come to realize that not only did I expect our union would be the case, but I'm disappointed it didn't turn out that way. I think my life would have been much better had it happened.

I thought Sharee and I would become a couple. I've no idea whether that meant we would have grown old together, indulged each other's foibles and growing infirmities together. Become progressively sick of each other and yet remained together out of a sense of mindless devotion, stale affection, or perhaps simply inertia.

Yes, well...even my nostalgia tends to find itself devolving toward unpleasantries. When presented with the question of whether a glass is half full or half empty, I instead dwell on why there wasn't enough liquid available to fill it up in the first place.

Still, Sharee was...quite something. A weatherweaver she was, capable of manipulating weather threads in a most expert and occasionally lethal fashion. With black hair and flashing gray eyes, Sharee floated in and out of my life like a butterfly with razor-sharp wings. Our longest separation -- up until the time when she left me prior to this narrative -- occurred when I was a victim of a sort of temporary memory loss and had become a ruthless warlord (or "peacelord" as I called myself) in an unforgiving land called Wuin. Sharee was one of a group of insurrectionists who sought to put an end to my career through the expedient means of putting an end to me. This plan ran aground when my invincibility was revealed to all and sundry, and from that point on, nothing and no one was capable of stopping me.

Except someone did.

I won't go into detail about it at this point, for the tale was already told once, and I see no reason to cover the gruesome details a second time. Suffice to say that -- as is not uncommon in my varied and sordid adventures -- a goodly number of people died, and there was much collateral

carnage and mayhem.

The grisly business concluded, it was a rather odd trio who set across the land of Wuin, hoping to leave the destruction behind us...along with a devastating talisman of extraordinary chaos. But I wanted nothing to do with it, despite the fact that it gave me almost limitless power.

I think, in an odd way, that my decision made me more attractive to Sharee. Certainly after the incident with the gem -- the Eye of the Beholder, as it was called -- she treated me in a marginally more kindly fashion. She kept her ready tongue and sharp sense of humor, but when she turned her swordlike wit upon me, it was to poke gently rather than to stab. Likewise the barbs that I had once hurled at her were no longer coated with the venom that had used to adorn them.

Plus our new spirit of cooperation might have been aided by the third member of our most unusual trio.

That third member was a drabit, a small, feathered, dragonlike creature that had taken to me during my incarnation as a peacelord. The name I'd given him, or perhaps he'd always possessed, was "Mordant." He didn't speak, naturally, since he was simply a dumb animal, although I would oftentimes find it disconcerting when he looked at me with a sort of cold, calculating intelligence. At such times, he had an almost human look to him...except I suspected he was considerably smarter than most humans I'd encountered in my lifetime. In my dreams he would speak to me, making lacerating observations about me or the various choices I made in my existence. In real life, however, he remained mute.

All preconceptions for Mordant, however, were eradicated when, at one point in our sojourn through Wuin, he had opened his mouth and spoken with pure, clear diction. It had come in the midst of a conversation I'd been having with Sharee -- one in which I was actually claiming that I had come to believe Mordant was a reincarnation of my departed mother -- and I had just accused Sharee of sending me the dreams with Mordant as a way of trying to warn me of...well, I didn't know of what.

Sharee, of course, had completely denied it. She pointed out that there was nothing in her history to indicate she had any sort of powers of the mind. A stray squall or passing tornado, yes, those might be laid at her door. But games being played by the sleeping mind were outside her normal realm.

We stood there on a desolate piece of land that really wasn't all that different from the rest of the desolation. Flat, unyielding terrain, tufts of small bits of green giving their all to survive, and most likely losing that all. High, high above us, carrion eaters circled lazily. I endeavored to ignore them. I figured that looking at them would only encourage them.

"Bloody well right I'll deny it," she said. "You've got to start thinking for yourself, and stop ascribing everything in your life to me."

Feeling in a slightly tongue-in-cheek mood, I turned to the drabit as if seeking an ally in the discussion. "Do I have to do that, Mordant?" I inquired.

And without hesitation, Mordant replied, "Absolutely."

As you can well imagine, we stared at him, thunderstruck. For long moments, it seemed as if the world had stopped turning. Sharee's horse even backed up, looking concerned over the fact that the animal nearby had suddenly begun speaking. I wondered wildly if the horse was going to start conversing as well. Perhaps say something such as, "Shut up, you fool! They're not supposed to know we can speak! You'll ruin it for all of us!"

I had never encountered an animal capable of speech before. The closest I'd ever run into were animal/human hybrids, such as the repellent Harpers Bizarre, or the feral but ultimately tragic Bicce. But Mordant was...well, a pet, basically. Although he seemed like a curious combination of reptilian and avian features, nevertheless he was fundamentally identifiable as a sort of dragon offshoot. An animal, pure and simple. So for him to begin chatting with us left us both flabbergasted. Sharee and I exchanged looks, trying to figure out if we were delusional.

"Did...you just speak?" I asked.

Mordant looked at me with vague contempt. "What do you think?"

"That I'm dreaming? Owwwww!" I suddenly shouted, looking daggers at Sharee as I grabbed my upper arm. "You pinched me! What did you do that for?"

"To prove to you you're not dreaming," she said with an expression she no doubt thought was mischievous, but I simply found irritating.

"I was willing to figure that out for myself."

"I could bite you, in case there's any doubt," offered Mordant.

"Not necessary." I glanced once more at Sharee, who seemed irritatingly amused. "Are you doing this somehow? Some sort of weaver's trick? Projecting your voice in some manner?"

"Would you be satisfied if I drank a mug of water while he spoke?" asked Sharee condescendingly before turning her attention back to Mordant. "Most intriguing. Your voice is strangely accented."

"So is yours," retorted Mordant.

"Who cares about his accent? He's a blasted talking animal!"

"So are you," Mordant said.

I had no immediate response to that, which was annoying in and of itself. Bad enough to find oneself lagging behind in an oral battle of wits with an accomplished human opponent. Being bested by a creature who, for all I knew, hadn't truly begun vocalizing until a minute or so earlier was a new low in personal esteem.

Mordant's voice was thin and reedy, and without the sibilance that one would have expected from such a creature, presuming one was fanciful enough to imagine him speaking at all. He also did indeed have an unidentifiable accent, as Sharee had noted. She seemed to be adjusting to this revelation far faster than was I, considering that the expression of astonishment she'd shared with me had melted into simple amusement. I was annoyed by that. If I was going to be dumbfounded, it would have been nice to have a companion in bewilderment.

"Why haven't you spoken before this? Openly, I mean?" I asked.

He didn't smile. I don't think he had the muscular ability to do so. His tongue flicked out quickly several times, which I decided was what he did when giving an answer some thought. "Because you're interesting," he said at last.

"I am?"

"He is?"

"Yes. You are. And you know he is," he said to Sharee with faint disapproval. "So don't pretend otherwise." His triangular head shifted back to me. "You're a lost soul, Apropos of Nothing, and I think you're only just now starting to realize it. But you're not sure yet what to do about it. It was entertaining to hear you go on and on about whatever deep emotional conflicts were shredding you. But the only reason you would vent your spleen in my presence was because you didn't really think I could understand you. You might have suspected it at some level, but you did not truly believe it. So on and on you would talk, and it was all rather riveting. You should think about writing it all down."

It was the very first time anyone (or anything, for that matter) had ever suggested that I chronicle my adventures. My immediate reaction was to dismiss the concept out of hand. I thought, Who in hell would be so foolish as to want to spend time involving themselves in the tortured, horrific joke that is my life? And now, having set down my escapades in two volumes so far, with this being the third, I find that I've come no closer to being able to answer that question than I ever had.

"I've often told Apropos he had potential," Sharee admitted. "That he had a destiny. He never seemed to believe it, though," and she looked at me sharply as if daring me to disagree.

I couldn't. Despite the fact that my late mother had said much the same thing, it was a notion I had traditionally rejected, and then later fought against with every fiber of my being. I firmly believed that "destiny" was the excuse given after the fact by people who were losers seeking a way of rationalizing all the disappointments that were their life.

Lately, though, I had begun to wonder. The concept of free will versus what the gods have in store for us had received a good deal of play in my life.

Furthermore, I found myself considering the fact that most men live their lives in quiet Desperation...Desperation being the single largest city in all the world, and reputedly the most staggeringly boring. Hence the "quiet" appellation. Situated west of the state of Isteria, quiet Desperation was the capital of the state of Grace, named for the founder's wife (whose name was, curiously, Margaret). People flocked there because of the easy living and usually balmy weather. And those who didn't live in quiet Desperation often aspired to live long enough to earn enough money to move there.

I found myself comparing myself to those who lived in quiet Desperation, and considered that they truly were destiny-free, because their lives were so damned dull. My life, by contrast, had been anything but dull. Even when it had been dull, it was more along the lines of my life catching its breath before hurling me headlong into the next series of insane events. It led me to wonder, then, whether the very nature of perpetual warped activity that constituted my life more or less indicated that perhaps I did, indeed, have a special fate that was above and beyond what other "mere mortals" faced.

The questions before me then, were twofold: What exactly was the kind of destiny I was faced with, and how much of it was truly in my control? I had the answers to neither, and I think it was the lack of knowing that simply added to my bitterness, rather than exciting me about the possibilities.

I discussed none of this with Mordant or Sharee, of course. Part of me was certain they wouldn't understand, while part of me was certain they would. For the life of me, I'm not sure which prospect bothered me more.

Instead I tried to focus purely on Mordant's background, with the reasoning that people usually like talking about themselves. This notion was thwarted by the fact that Mordant wasn't people. He was disinclined to talk about himself at all. Despite prodding from Sharee and myself, he would not go into detail as to whether others of his species could converse, or how long he'd been speaking, or how he'd come to learn the language.

"Why now?" I asked him. "Why did you suddenly start making it obvious to me now that you could speak?"

"Because she's here," said Mordant, "which means it's unlikely that you'll be forthcoming about yourself anymore. So I felt I might as well join future conversations. Although, frankly, I doubt you'll enjoy hearing anyone converse as much as you enjoy hearing yourself."

"That's reasonably accurate," Sharee said.

My famed glare had little effect on her and, unfortunately, did not reduce her to the puddle of goo I was hoping it would.

We made our way then across the land of Wuin. When we happened to come upon other travelers, Mordant would fall silent so as not to garner further questions from startled passersby. We encountered one or two threats, but it was nothing that a healthy running away from couldn't handle.

The greatest challenge we encountered was trying to steer clear of cities or towns that had known the ravages of my army during my time as a "peacelord." During those excursions, certain magicks had given me an unusual strength and vitality that would have not seemed readily apparent in my more natural form. My red hair and by then thick beard were very easy to spot, but the pronounced limp resulting from my lame and deformed right leg might have put anyone off the scent if they thought to associate me with the more robust Apropos the Peacelord. Nevertheless, we had to exercise great caution, and when supplies were dwindling and water was becoming problematic, we found ourselves depending more and more heavily upon Mordant and his resourcefulness. He always seemed able to find a village or a nomad encampment that he could slip into and out of without attracting attention, with a fresh round of minimal supplies clutched in his claws or mouth.

In this way we managed to survive quite handily our trek across a land that, once, might well have been the death of us. Even the horse survived, although it did still tend to toss what appeared to be suspicious glances in Mordant's direction every now and again.

Eventually, however, matters took an unexpected turn.

We made our way much farther north than even my peregrinations as the peacelord had taken me. As a consequence, we were able to enter with impunity a particularly sizable port city, Port Debras, renowned for having the largest single dock in the entire land, known as the Grand Jetty.

Since it was a major port, few people there really paid attention to the faces that passed by in crowds. That suited us just fine. It also seemed wiser to keep Mordant out of sight, since there might be some who would associate the drabit with the once-formidable peacelord. We needn't have worried, however. Mordant assured us that he wouldn't be seen if he didn't want to be, and he was absolutely true to his word. As we made our way through the many tents and similar ramshackle structures of Port Debras, I would occasionally spot Mordant flitting from one hiding place to another. But the only reason I saw him was because I knew he was there. Once in a great while I'd see someone do a double take, look again, and then shake their head as if assuring themself that they had merely imagined...something. Quite the camouflage artist was Mordant.

It was our intention to try and get the hell out of Wuin while the getting was good. The land certainly had nothing more to offer me, and it was just a matter of time before our luck ran out and someone recognized me as the pillager and plunderer of helpless cities all up and down Wuin...to say nothing of my concerted campaign against the Thirty-Nine Steppes. Nor did Sharee have any particular interest in staying. As a weatherweaver, she tended to have more luck with her spells in a clime that wasn't as relentlessly arid. And Mordant hadn't stated any preference one way or the other.

We wound up at a busy pub in the heart of Port Debras. We'd learned that it was an excellent place to find ships and ship captains with whom we could book passage. We were not exactly destitute. I had reluctantly left behind a small fortune in gems, but I'd had access to a significant number of dead bodies (which we'd dutifully torched) before setting out on our expedition, and I'd taken the liberty of relieving quite a few of them of whatever monies they had upon them. Sharee had stood there and scowled as I did so, but hadn't commented beyond that, which I took to be a reluctant but mute admission that we might as well take their valuables since they weren't going to be doing much of anything with them.

Once at the pub, and after having tied off the horse at a hitching post, Sharee and I went in two different directions, asking around, seeing what we could find. Fortunately, I was, and am, a reasonably good judge of character. I was certain that at least two of the men I spoke to were actually of a most villainous nature, who would have been quite pleased to take us as passengers and, during the night, relieve us of our valuables and our lives before tossing us over the side to a watery grave.

What I wound up doing was seeking out people who seemed as if they were having trouble walking. Sure enough, I found a small group of folks who looked a bit shaky on their feet for exactly the reason I expected they would be: They'd been at sea and had just recently come off a ship. Their general deportment, plus their decidedly non-nautical suitcases, told me they were travelers rather than crewmen. If one wanted to be sure that a ship would see you safely to your destination, my reasoning was to seek out recommendations from people who had already made it from whatever port of call they'd just been to, to here.

Inquiring of the new arrivals, I learned that they'd been brought over on a ship commanded by one Captain Stout. A worthy and hardy-sounding name, I had to admit. As it so happened, I found the good captain tossing back some mead in a corner of the bar. Large, gruff, and affable, he struck me as a solid seaman, and his disposition certainly matched the glowing reports I'd received from his recent passengers.

I had no place in particular I was planning to go, which as it turned out dovetailed with Captain Stout's agenda. He had a cargo he was transporting to an island continent called Azure. Azure was, by all accounts, a decent enough place, albeit a bit colder than I was used to. But I believed I could get accustomed to it, and besides, it wasn't as if we'd be staying there permanently. If we liked it, we could; but if not, we could always find somewhere else.

It was at that moment that I abruptly realized I was thinking of Sharee and I as a "we." I had to remind myself that Mordant was part of the mix, but on some level I was starting to regard Sharee and I as a pair. The thought was staggering to me, and yet as the first waves of shock subsided, I slowly realized that it was not an unpleasant notion. I began to wonder if she felt the same way, and decided that she very likely did. After all, I reasoned, I had to be getting the notion from somewhere. And where else could it reasonably have been from, if not from hints or subtle suggestions from Sharee herself. And they would have to have been subtle, because she was a magic user, and that's simply how magic users tended to do things.

A loud throat-clearing noise from Captain Stout jolted me back to reality and I realized that I'd drifted off into a daydream about Sharee and me. How truly embarrassed I felt. "What say ye, lad?" demanded Captain Stout. "Any interest in heading to the Azure Island? Quite lovely this time of year, I understand. And we'll have a few other passengers aboard, so you'll have some company other than just my crew."

"It sounds fine to me," I said. "Let me check with my friend and I'll be right back with you. She's just around the other side of the pub."

"She. A lady friend." Captain Stout didn't seem especially thrilled. "Ladies on sailing vessels aren't always a good mix, me lad. Sailing ships are crewed by rough, battle-hardened seamen. Do you know what you get when you put women together with seamen?"

"Pregnancies?"

"You get bad luck," he continued as if I hadn't spoken, which was probably a good thing. "Now, I'm an open-minded man, and I'll bring your little lady along if I must. But just keep her away from my crew. And pray to the water gods for good weather..."

"Oh, well, we can guarantee that," I said, "since she's a -- "

"...and, ideally, that no damned or accursed magic-using weavers come anywhere near my ship," he concluded.

My mouth opened and closed without words emerging for a moment. "Weavers...are a problem?" I asked.

"You get magic users on your boat, and you're guaranteed disaster," Captain Stout told me forcefully. Then he squinted, apparently processing belatedly what I'd just said. "How can you guarantee good weather? She's a...what?"

"An amateur weather predictor," I said immediately. "Charts storms and such. And she told me there's going to be nothing but good weather and smooth sailing for the next three weeks."

"Good weather and smooth sailing where?"

"Everywhere," I told him without hesitation. "Everywhere. In the world. It's the damnedest thing. Never seen anything like it."

His thick eyebrows knit. Then he laughed with such abruptness that it jolted me, and he said, "If that's what your woman thinks, then the odds are that she's going to remain an amateur for a very, very long time." Then he clapped me on the shoulder as if we were old mates and told me to bring my young lady by so he could inspect the cut of her jib.

Personally, I didn't think Sharee was going to want the old salt inspecting any cuts of her at all, but I smiled affably and went off to find her.

I headed around to the other side of the pub and then stopped. There was Sharee...but she was going out a side door, in the company of three rather large men.

I gripped my walking staff tightly. The staff was an exceptionally formidable weapon that had been assisting me in and out of scrapes for over half my life. There was a carving of a lion wrestling a dragon on one end, and a sharp blade could be triggered to snap out of the dragon's mouth for use in combat. In addition, with a twist the staff could be separated into two halves and each used as a devastating cudgel.

Not that I was anxious to get into any sort of fight. I never was. Then again, I was hoping I wouldn't have to. If I followed Sharee outside and matters appeared dire, I could whistle for Mordant and he would emerge from hiding and rip the throats out of these likely felons in no time at all, while I would stand by and check over their corpses for valuables. It all seemed a very credible plan to me.

I couldn't tell if the three men were forcing Sharee to go out with them. All I knew was that they were gone and I was going to follow them. I moved quickly, stepping through the door into what turned out to be an alleyway alongside the pub.

What I saw astounded me.

Sharee had her arm extended and Mordant was sitting perched upon it. She had her cape coiled around her forearm to protect it from his rather formidable claws. The three men were making soft noises of admiration, and the largest of them -- a broad-shouldered, mustached man wearing a large gray cloak and white tunic -- was even scratching Mordant under the chin and being rewarded with gentle "cooing" sounds.

"What the hell is all this?" I demanded, startling them. One of them reached to his side and I heard the unmistakable hiss of steel against leather as he prepared to draw a sword. This didn't sit particularly well with me, as the prospect of fighting generally didn't. But I was just annoyed enough not to back down. Furthermore the weight of the bastard sword I kept strapped to my back was of comfort.

But Sharee put out a hand to the sword-puller and said firmly, "It's all right. This is Apropos. Apropos, these are old friends of mine."

"Are they," I said, in a tone that I wanted to sound chilly, but instead just came out as somewhat whiny. "Imagine running into them here."

"This," she said, indicating the mustached one, "is Rex Reggis. He's a weaver. We received training in the same guild hall, years ago."

"Little Sharee always had a crush on me," said Reggis with the sort of ready smile that just makes you want to rip off the lips of the smiler.

"You," she corrected him in a very arch tone, "had a crush on me."

"I feel the need to disagree," he said.

"And I feel the need to impale myself," I told them, "but sometimes we resist urges."

I didn't like the way she was looking at Reggis. Nor did I like the way he was looking at her. There was something decidedly unsavory about the whole thing, and I couldn't help but feel that the sooner we were quit of them, the better.

"We were just admiring your drabit," said Rex. "Quite an amazing creature. We can use him on our quest."

I had been about to launch on a truly sterling string of snide remarks and cutting insults that would have been among the most memorable ever put forward in the history of condescending discourse. But Rex's comment tossed it right out of my head, leaving my initial response as a sort of inarticulate "Hnnch?" Fortunately I reacquired my ability to speak straightaway, and said, "Quest?"

"They're on a quest," Sharee said eagerly. "Doesn't that sound exciting?"

"Yes," I agreed. "It certainly does. And I have to emphasize here the concept of 'sounds.' As in, is best appreciated second- or third-hand in the telling of it, rather than the first-hand experiencing of it."

"Oh, come now!" Rex boomed. "A man of your obvious quality and sophistication would certainly thrive on a good quest!"

I glanced over my shoulder to see just who he might be addressing, and then realized with dawning disbelief that he was talking to me. I forced a grin, which was more like gritted teeth, and said, "What's obvious to you appears to have slipped right past me."

"Apropos, this is no time to be difficult. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity," Sharee told me.

"Here's the thing about once-in-a-lifetime opportunities," I said. "They tend to shorten the actual lifetime in question."

"I think he's a coward," growled one of the other companions. "A foul character trait to have."

"I prefer to think of it as an alternative lifestyle," I informed the growler.

"Apropos, listen," said Sharee. "What they seek...it's the mystic tome of -- "

"I don't care."

"It can transform anyth -- "

"I don't care! Sharee, what's..." I quickly put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her a few feet away from the others. Mordant, on her arm, was rudely jostled by the sudden movement but managed to hold on nevertheless. "...what's going on here?" I demanded in a low voice. "We had plans..."

She looked at me wide-eyed. "We did?"

"Yes! We were going to..."

I stopped.

"Apropos," she pointed out, "we hadn't really planned where we were going. We just decided we were getting out of here. But plans aren't about what you're running from. They're about what you're running to."

"We're going to Azure. It's all arranged."

She blinked in surprise. "It is?"

"Yes. Booked and everything. All set. Let's go."

"And what's on Azure?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does. Apropos, I thought you understood..."

"Understood what?"

Sharee sighed heavily. "Port Debras isn't just a place of comings and goings. It's a place of opportunities. To find possibilities to explore. Rex's quest is an incredible possibility. He's leading a group to one of the most challenging -- "

"Sharee, life doesn't have to be about finding challenges. Life is challenge. And I..."

She stared at me, and I felt her gaze boring through my mind. "You what?" she asked.

And I want to meet those challenges with you. It's taken me this long to realize that the reason you make me so crazy, so infuriated, is because I have incredibly strong feelings for you. Because lately you've been all I think about, which is incredibly amazing considering that for as far back as I can remember, I've been all I think about. And even a life of supposed boredom would be devoutly to be desired, because no life with you could ever be boring. You're everything I need, everything I could want. I feel as if I'd suffocate without you, I...

"Sharee!" It was Rex's voice. He looked hopeful, but also slightly impatient. "The tide will be heading out soon, and we need to be upon it. Are you with us or no?"

I saw the look in her eyes when she glanced in the direction of this fellow magic user who apparently was a great factor in her young life and had never truly been left behind in her growth or imaginings. And in that look I saw, just for a heartbeat, a spark. A gentle, ineffable spark that I instantly, selfishly, wanted for myself. And which I knew, without the slightest doubt, would never be given me.

I realized what a fool I'd been. I was positive that, if I said anything of the absurdly impassioned spew that was rattling around in my head, I would not only sound like a complete idiot, but I would lose whatever shred of respect she might have had for me.

What would have been the point of it? Really? She was still going to go off with Rex Reggis, I knew that with certainty.

She wanted him. I could tell.

And let's face it: It wasn't all that long ago she'd tried to kill me. And not much longer than that that she'd pretty much cursed my name whenever she'd heard it mentioned. There was no reason to think that, sooner or later, she wouldn't want to kill me again. Why shouldn't she, really? Everyone else in my life tried to, sooner or later. Really. Truly. No matter whom I encountered, eventually one or both of two things would happen. Either that person would die, or that person would try to kill me.

What had I done to deserve this fate? Nothing. Be born. That was pretty much it.

And what had Sharee done to deserve that fate as well?

Nothing.

I realized it at that moment with one of those flashes of clarity that one has from time to time. Sharee wasn't going to remain with me. Her eyes were filled with Rex Reggis. He was a hero type, a sort I knew all too well, and they had a disgustingly consistent impact on females. Which normally wouldn't interest Sharee, but he was obviously an old love and a mage to boot, and that made him irresistible. But more to the point, if Sharee remained with me, there was every reason to assume that eventually she would join the teeming masses of people who had tried to kill me or wound up dead or both.

Why wish that on her?

Except...

...I wanted her to say she wanted to remain with me.

To this day, I'm not sure why it was so important to me at that moment. More important to me than anything. Perhaps it was because, since I was long departed from my native Isteria, Sharee represented the last tie I had to my homeland.

Or maybe I just wanted to be loved. Maybe what I was experiencing was the beginnings of being frustrated with the way I was, but having no clue how to change, or even if I wanted to.

She was still waiting for me to finish my earlier sentence. "You what -- ?" she prompted again.

Why waste the time. It would all end badly, and besides...she didn't love me. Didn't want to be with me. Not really. Who would? What did I have to offer? Cynicism and lameness and a deep abiding conviction that I was the only sane man in an insane world, a belief which brought me comfort but oddly was seen as less than flattering by just about everyone else.

Tell her you love her or at least like her, tell her you enjoy her company, tell her you want time, tell her that if she leaves you now you'll likely never see her again and that's unacceptable, tell her anything.

"Go to hell" were the words that came out of my mouth.

Anything but that.

I looked right through her to the drabit on her arm. "Mordant? Coming with me or staying with Sharee?"

Mordant cocked his head slightly, and then wrapped his tail around her arm.

That was my answer.

I shrugged.

"Fine," I said, and something that I hadn't even known was living within me until moments earlier was crushed and died. I turned and walked away without another word to her. Feeling sorry for myself, in an endeavor to look even more pathetic than I felt, I accentuated my limp as I headed back into the pub.

I made my way to Captain Stout. He looked up at me quizzically.

"Just me," I said.

"I see it's just you. Who else would you be?"

"I mean," I sighed, "that I won't have a lady with me on your boat. It'll just be me booking passage."

His face brightened. "Ah! Excellent," he said, and stuck out a hand, which was thick and greasy. I shook it reluctantly and then quietly rubbed it clean on a napkin. "Don't get me wrong," he added hurriedly. "I like the ladies. I do. They certainly have their uses, especially if you need somewhere to dock your dinghy, if you get my drift," and he laughed a raucous laugh.

I forced a smile. "Yes, I get it," I said.

"But really, they've no place on a ship. Just cause trouble. Once you're at sea, mark my words, you're better off without them. We'll have a much smoother crossing with just the blokes running the show."

I marked his words. And some time later, when I was floating in the ocean, fighting what I was certain was imminent drowning, I would have cause to curse them as well.

Copyright © 2003 by Second Age, Inc.