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101 Things NOT to Do Before You Die by Robert W. Harris
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Product Details
- Pub. Date: January 2007
- Publisher: St. Martin's Press
- Format: Paperback, 192pp
- ISBN-13: 9780312357580
- ISBN: 0312357583
Synopsis
A witty, subversive guide that turns conventional “wisdom”" upside down!
Too many books tell us what to do to achieve happiness---unfortunately, often at great risk, expense, or effort. 101 Things NOT to Do Before You Die is not one of those books. It’s a book for the rest of us.
Robert W. Harris says it’s what we don’t do that determines our happiness quotient. Using the exciting principle of “selective inaction,” the author helps us adjust our thinking so we can make more satisfying decisions in everyday situations.
For example, do you think you’ll feel complete if you try to run with the bulls? Don’t do it! Do you feel compelled to drive around searching for the “best” parking spot? Don’t do it! Are you sometimes tempted to confuse Randy Quaid with Dennis Quaid? Just don’t do it!
Do you think that you should watch the colorized version of It’s a Wonderful Life? Or ponder the lyrics to “Louie, Louie”? Or read War and Peace? Or push an elevator button more than twice? Think again! In many cases, you’ll be better off not doing what “they” say you should do. Let 101 Things NOT to Do Before You Die be your guide to getting more out of life---simply by doing less.
Biography
Robert W. Harris earned degrees in art and cognitive psychology and then worked as a teacher for ten years. Since 1990, he has authored a dozen books, including When Good People Write Bad Sentences (St. Martin’s Press). Visit his Web site at www.rwhstudio.com.
From Barnes & Noble
Getting old was difficult enough before writers began giving us "to do" lists of harrowing activities we should complete before we make the final muster. For mere mortals, these tasks seem unnecessary, if not downright scary: Who really wants to squander their golden years climbing frigid Alps or skydiving? Fortunately, Robert W. Harris has now gathered a compilation of negative yet strangely uplifting advice about getting through those autumnal moments. He provides life guidelines that will spare you untold stress: "Don't expect all art to be pretty"; "Don't disparage Nixon more than necessary"; "Don't use a flow resistant shower head"; "Don't forget what's in your freezer"; and "Don't read War and Peace." Much more fun than whitewater rafting.
From the Publisher
A witty, subversive guide that turns conventional “wisdom”" upside down!
Too many books tell us what to do to achieve happiness---unfortunately, often at great risk, expense, or effort. 101 Things NOT to Do Before You Die is not one of those books. It’s a book for the rest of us.
Robert W. Harris says it’s what we don’t do that determines our happiness quotient. Using the exciting principle of “selective inaction,” the author helps us adjust our thinking so we can make more satisfying decisions in everyday situations.
For example, do you think you’ll feel complete if you try to run with the bulls? Don’t do it! Do you feel compelled to drive around searching for the “best” parking spot? Don’t do it! Are you sometimes tempted to confuse Randy Quaid with Dennis Quaid? Just don’t do it!
Do you think that you should watch the colorized version of It’s a Wonderful Life? Or ponder the lyrics to “Louie, Louie”? Or read War and Peace? Or push an elevator button more than twice? Think again! In many cases, you’ll be better off not doing what “they” say you should do. Let 101 Things NOT to Do Before You Die be your guide to getting more out of life---simply by doing less.
Product Details
- Pub. Date: January 2007
- Publisher: St. Martin's Press
- Format: Paperback, 192pp
- ISBN-13: 9780312357580
- ISBN: 0312357583
Table of Contents
Don't watch the colorized version of It's a Wonderful Life 1
Don't try to bathe with a sliver of soap 3
Don't hunt for the "best" parking spot 5
Don't eat snails, even when called "escargot" 7
Don't run with the bulls in Pamplona 9
Don't try to figure out the lyrics to "Louie, Louie" 11
Don't use premium gas when regular is appropriate 13
Don't worry about the inconsistencies on Gilligan's Island 15
Don't jump to conclusions 17
Don't accumulate nonfunctional pens 18
Don't eat the wrong snack during a movie 19
Don't push an elevator button more than twice 21
Don't be impressed when a Realtor says "crown molding" 23
Don't use a dangerous can opener 25
Don't try to beat the red lights 27
Don't fall into a cheese rut 29
Don't settle for wire clothes hangers 30
Don't leave home unprepared 31
Don't mistake commercial printing for original art 33
Don't let telemarketers ruin your day 35
Don't expect an egg cream to contain eggs or cream 37
Don't fear the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle 39
Don'tcook spaghetti al dente 41
Don't lock yourself out 42
Don't listen to prognosticators 43
Don't disparage Nixon more than necessary 45
Don't use a flow-restricting shower head 47
Don't be intimidated by obstacles 49
Don't take a budget bus tour of Europe 51
Don't assemble absurdly difficult jigsaw puzzles 53
Don't put too much faith in polls 54
Don't eat more than you want 55
Don't see the movie before reading the novel 57
Don't worry about the changing geopolitical scene 59
Don't buy fake-wood furniture 61
Don't spend your loose change 63
Don't think of Paul Winchell as just a ventriloquist 65
Don't be a passive spectator 66
Don't let a dead car battery inconvenience you 67
Don't expect all art to be pretty 69
Don't wait idly 71
Don't make tuna salad with mayonnaise 73
Don't forget who the real Batman is 75
Don't forget what's in your freezer 77
Don't say, "It could be worse" 78
Don't use pointless precision 79
Don't try to understand the rationale behind the Ped Xing signs 81
Don't be a victim of junk mail 83
Don't watch magic with the left side of your brain 85
Don't get the good quotes wrong 87
Don't create an indestructible home 89
Don't overvalue symmetry 90
Don't read War and Peace 91
Don't get caught in the rain 93
Don't equate "lite" with "healthy" 95
Don't solve problems by brute force 97
Don't buy "insurance" in blackjack 99
Don't get confused about who won the most Olympic gold 101
Don't give necessities as gifts 102
Don't write e-mails in all caps 103
Don't refer to the past as "a simpler time" 105
Don't finish a novel if it's not entertaining 107
Don't let your limitations become excuses 109
Don't serve ham at Thanksgiving 111
Don't read the pop-up ads on TV 113
Don't put an inane greeting on your answering machine 114
Don't play Scrabble by the conventional rules 115
Don't use Times and Helvetica fonts 117
Don't expect good grammar from the citizenry 119
Don't pay your bills by mail 121
Don't let others tell you what's in the Constitution 123
Don't risk losing important personal items 125
Don't tell your dreams to the wrong people 126
Don't brag about your gas mileage 127
Don't fall for the Gambler's Fallacy 129
Don't use a paper clip to do a binder clip's job 131
Don't use boring adjectives 133
Don't pick movies based on critics' reviews 135
Don't wake up to an alarm 137
Don't think that failure is the opposite of success 138
Don't eat canned spinach 139
Don't say "utilize" when "use" will do 141
Don't expect scientific studies to reveal the truth 143
Don't use old-fashioned pot holders 145
Don't forget the people you meet 147
Don't take 11 items to the Express Lane 149
Don't use all of your brain power 150
Don't embrace the {dollar}1 coins 151
Don't ignore your ideas 153
Don't look at the keyboard 155
Don't write indecisively 157
Don't underestimate the size of the universe 159
Don't let the pessimists get you down 161
Don't keep gloves in your glove compartment 162
Don't fret over the salt on potato chips 163
Don't forget who shot J.R. 165
Don't become a measurement chauvinist 167
Don't use boring postage stamps 169
Don't become a wine expert 171
Don't confuse Randy Quaid with Dennis Quaid 173
Don't make a list of 101 unusual things to do before you die 175
Don't try to bathe with a sliver of soap 3
Don't hunt for the "best" parking spot 5
Don't eat snails, even when called "escargot" 7
Don't run with the bulls in Pamplona 9
Don't try to figure out the lyrics to "Louie, Louie" 11
Don't use premium gas when regular is appropriate 13
Don't worry about the inconsistencies on Gilligan's Island 15
Don't jump to conclusions 17
Don't accumulate nonfunctional pens 18
Don't eat the wrong snack during a movie 19
Don't push an elevator button more than twice 21
Don't be impressed when a Realtor says "crown molding" 23
Don't use a dangerous can opener 25
Don't try to beat the red lights 27
Don't fall into a cheese rut 29
Don't settle for wire clothes hangers 30
Don't leave home unprepared 31
Don't mistake commercial printing for original art 33
Don't let telemarketers ruin your day 35
Don't expect an egg cream to contain eggs or cream 37
Don't fear the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle 39
Don'tcook spaghetti al dente 41
Don't lock yourself out 42
Don't listen to prognosticators 43
Don't disparage Nixon more than necessary 45
Don't use a flow-restricting shower head 47
Don't be intimidated by obstacles 49
Don't take a budget bus tour of Europe 51
Don't assemble absurdly difficult jigsaw puzzles 53
Don't put too much faith in polls 54
Don't eat more than you want 55
Don't see the movie before reading the novel 57
Don't worry about the changing geopolitical scene 59
Don't buy fake-wood furniture 61
Don't spend your loose change 63
Don't think of Paul Winchell as just a ventriloquist 65
Don't be a passive spectator 66
Don't let a dead car battery inconvenience you 67
Don't expect all art to be pretty 69
Don't wait idly 71
Don't make tuna salad with mayonnaise 73
Don't forget who the real Batman is 75
Don't forget what's in your freezer 77
Don't say, "It could be worse" 78
Don't use pointless precision 79
Don't try to understand the rationale behind the Ped Xing signs 81
Don't be a victim of junk mail 83
Don't watch magic with the left side of your brain 85
Don't get the good quotes wrong 87
Don't create an indestructible home 89
Don't overvalue symmetry 90
Don't read War and Peace 91
Don't get caught in the rain 93
Don't equate "lite" with "healthy" 95
Don't solve problems by brute force 97
Don't buy "insurance" in blackjack 99
Don't get confused about who won the most Olympic gold 101
Don't give necessities as gifts 102
Don't write e-mails in all caps 103
Don't refer to the past as "a simpler time" 105
Don't finish a novel if it's not entertaining 107
Don't let your limitations become excuses 109
Don't serve ham at Thanksgiving 111
Don't read the pop-up ads on TV 113
Don't put an inane greeting on your answering machine 114
Don't play Scrabble by the conventional rules 115
Don't use Times and Helvetica fonts 117
Don't expect good grammar from the citizenry 119
Don't pay your bills by mail 121
Don't let others tell you what's in the Constitution 123
Don't risk losing important personal items 125
Don't tell your dreams to the wrong people 126
Don't brag about your gas mileage 127
Don't fall for the Gambler's Fallacy 129
Don't use a paper clip to do a binder clip's job 131
Don't use boring adjectives 133
Don't pick movies based on critics' reviews 135
Don't wake up to an alarm 137
Don't think that failure is the opposite of success 138
Don't eat canned spinach 139
Don't say "utilize" when "use" will do 141
Don't expect scientific studies to reveal the truth 143
Don't use old-fashioned pot holders 145
Don't forget the people you meet 147
Don't take 11 items to the Express Lane 149
Don't use all of your brain power 150
Don't embrace the {dollar}1 coins 151
Don't ignore your ideas 153
Don't look at the keyboard 155
Don't write indecisively 157
Don't underestimate the size of the universe 159
Don't let the pessimists get you down 161
Don't keep gloves in your glove compartment 162
Don't fret over the salt on potato chips 163
Don't forget who shot J.R. 165
Don't become a measurement chauvinist 167
Don't use boring postage stamps 169
Don't become a wine expert 171
Don't confuse Randy Quaid with Dennis Quaid 173
Don't make a list of 101 unusual things to do before you die 175
Read an Excerpt
Chapter OneDon’t watch the colorized version of
It’s a Wonderful Life
Colorization—the process of adding color to black-and-white films—was invented by Wilson Markle and Brian Hunt in 1983. Since then, dozens of classic films have been “fixed” by anti–black-and-white zealots. They even colorized Casablanca (ironically, Humphrey Bogart’s face was actually gray). Fortunately, Citizen Kane has escaped—at least for now.
Colorization has been referred to as “cultural vandalism” by The Writers Guild of America West. Critic Eric Mink called it a “bastardization” of film. And Gilbert Cates, then president of the Director’s Guild of America, said that it “. . . is a process of dissembling the historical and artistic fabric of our landmarks.” Yet many people watch these colorized movies. Don’t be one of them!
Insist on the original black-and-white. If you’re ever watching an old movie on TV and you suspect chromatic trickery, check your movie guide to see how the original was produced. If it was in black-and-white, don’t panic. Just take your remote, open the Video menu, and drain out all of the color. Then you can watch the film as it was intended to be watched.
Other classic movies not to watch colorized
The Absent-Minded Professor
Adam’s Rib
Arsenic and Old Lace
Bringing Up Baby
King Kong
The Maltese Falcon
Miracle on 34th Street
White Heat (presumably the white part remains white)
Yankee Doodle Dandy
Fun activities
Write a scathing letter to Ted Turner, a vocal proponent—and bankroller—of movie colorization.
Start anAnti-Colorization League in your neighborhood.
Protest colorization with a silent candlelight vigil.
The inventors of colorization were Canadian—still are, for all I know.
Colorization was first used in 1970 on film of the moon taken by Apollo astronauts.
Some older TV shows are also being colorized, so stay alert!
Chapter Two
Don’t try to bathe with
a sliver of soap
Frugality is a virtue. Of course. Waste not, want not. When frugality improves the quality of your life, it’s a good thing. But when frugality becomes an end in itself, it’s time to step back and get some perspective.
Some people believe that saving fractions of pennies is worthwhile. They are excessively frugal with everything, even those things that cost very little—like soap. These folks, for reasons unknown to science, use a bar of soap until it becomes a paper-thin sliver about the size of a postage stamp. Only then do they indulge themselves by opening a new bar. Don’t be one of them!
Accept the fact that soap is inexpensive. When a bar no longer gives a good lather, toss it, no matter what its size. And realize that your perception of soap, and every other thing you interact with in your world, affects the quality of your life. If your mind continually gets “just scraping by” messages, it will try to ensure that you just scrape by. But if it gets “enjoying life’s bounty” messages, it will try to ensure that your cup is always running over. Trust me on this one.
•••
Napoleon Bonaparte once sent a letter to his wife in which he told her not to bathe during the two weeks that would pass before he returned home.
A man often pays dear for a small frugality.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love
most is soap-on-a-rope.
—Bill Cosby
Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of
lather each time from individual bars of soap.
—Howard Hughes
Ohmigod!
If a little sliver of soap takes a short bath in warm water it can often become supple enough to conform to the contours of its big brother, the new bar that just arrived. With a little gentle pressure these two will cling together. . . . The purpose of this soap splicing is twofold. One is that it affords some respect for the pith of the piece that once was much greater. . . . And secondly, why discard something that is still useful? . . . There is the added pleasure of seeing a successful splice take hold and providing a good home for the aging, squinny sliver.
—Raymond Weisling
www.geocities.com/Tokyo/8908/clatter/soaps.html
Chapter Three
Don’t hunt for
the “best” parking spot
Most people buy into the conventional notion that “good” parking spots are those near a store and “bad” ones are those farther away. So when they go to the mall, they drive up and down the lanes, desperately hoping that someone will pull out of a good spot. If, after five or ten minutes, it finally happens, the adrenaline surges. Then they drive like maniacs to beat the other shoppers to the coveted spot.
This irrational behavior has profound effects on psychological health. When these people get a good spot, they feel like a million bucks. When they don’t, they grumble and complain and swear under their breath at the lucky jerks who did. They let fate determine their mood. Don’t be one of them!
Always park far away from the store you are patronizing. You can do it if you simply reorganize your thinking. Just tell yourself that the close-in parking spots are the bad ones and the distant ones are the good ones. The energy you now devote to tracking down parking spots can then be channeled into more productive activities.
Reasons not to park close to a store
Walking is good exercise.
You’re less likely to get dings on your doors.
The anticipation of encountering items on sale has longer to build.
You’ll save gas and therefore spew less pollution into the air and therefore get to think of yourself as a more responsible passenger on Mother Earth than your fellow shoppers.
Fun activities
Mentally note the number of instances of parking rage that occur between your car and the store.
When you leave the store, point and silently mouth, “I’m leaving,” to someone waiting for a spot and see how long they follow you.
The difference between a “good” spot and a “bad” one at Wal-Mart is typically around 150 feet.
Parking spaces vary in size, but usually are eight to nine feet wide.
Leon James, author of Road Rage and Aggressive Driving, says research shows that people who know someone is waiting for their spot will take several seconds longer to pull out just to “reassert their freedom.”
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t
park anywhere near the place.
—Steven Wright
Copyright © 2007 by Robert W. Harris. All rights reserved.
Read a Sample Chapter
101 Things NOT to Do Before You Die
By Harris, Robert W.
St. Martin's Griffin
Copyright © 2007 Harris, Robert W.All right reserved.
Chapter One
Don't watch the colorized version of
It's a Wonderful Life
Colorization--the process of adding color to black-and-white films--was invented by Wilson Markle and Brian Hunt in 1983. Since then, dozens of classic films have been "fixed" by anti–black-and-white zealots. They even colorized Casablanca (ironically, Humphrey Bogart's face was actually gray). Fortunately, Citizen Kane has escaped--at least for now.
Colorization has been referred to as "cultural vandalism" by The Writers Guild of America West. Critic Eric Mink called it a "bastardization" of film. And Gilbert Cates, then president of the Director's Guild of America, said that it ". . . is a process of dissembling the historical and artistic fabric of our landmarks." Yet many people watch these colorized movies. Don't be one of them!
Insist on the original black-and-white. If you're ever watching an old movie on TV and you suspect chromatic trickery, check your movie guide to see how the original was produced. If it was in black-and-white, don't panic. Just take your remote, open the Video menu, and drain out all of the color. Then you can watch the film as it was intended to be watched.
Other classic movies not to watch colorized
The Absent-Minded Professor
Adam's Rib
Arsenic and Old Lace
Bringing Up Baby
King Kong
The MalteseFalcon
Miracle on 34th Street
White Heat (presumably the white part remains white)
Yankee Doodle Dandy
Fun activities
Write a scathing letter to Ted Turner, a vocal proponent--and bankroller--of movie colorization.
Start an Anti-Colorization League in your neighborhood.
Protest colorization with a silent candlelight vigil.
The inventors of colorization were Canadian--still are, for all I know.
Colorization was first used in 1970 on film of the moon taken by Apollo astronauts.
Some older TV shows are also being colorized, so stay alert!
Chapter Two
Don't try to bathe with
a sliver of soap
Frugality is a virtue. Of course. Waste not, want not. When frugality improves the quality of your life, it's a good thing. But when frugality becomes an end in itself, it's time to step back and get some perspective.
Some people believe that saving fractions of pennies is worthwhile. They are excessively frugal with everything, even those things that cost very little--like soap. These folks, for reasons unknown to science, use a bar of soap until it becomes a paper-thin sliver about the size of a postage stamp. Only then do they indulge themselves by opening a new bar. Don't be one of them!
Accept the fact that soap is inexpensive. When a bar no longer gives a good lather, toss it, no matter what its size. And realize that your perception of soap, and every other thing you interact with in your world, affects the quality of your life. If your mind continually gets "just scraping by" messages, it will try to ensure that you just scrape by. But if it gets "enjoying life's bounty" messages, it will try to ensure that your cup is always running over. Trust me on this one.
•••
Napoleon Bonaparte once sent a letter to his wife in which he told her not to bathe during the two weeks that would pass before he returned home.
A man often pays dear for a small frugality.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love
most is soap-on-a-rope.
--Bill Cosby
Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of
lather each time from individual bars of soap.
--Howard Hughes
Ohmigod!
If a little sliver of soap takes a short bath in warm water it can often become supple enough to conform to the contours of its big brother, the new bar that just arrived. With a little gentle pressure these two will cling together. . . . The purpose of this soap splicing is twofold. One is that it affords some respect for the pith of the piece that once was much greater. . . . And secondly, why discard something that is still useful? . . . There is the added pleasure of seeing a successful splice take hold and providing a good home for the aging, squinny sliver.
--Raymond Weisling
www.geocities.com/Tokyo/8908/clatter/soaps.html
Chapter Three
Don't hunt for
the "best" parking spot
Most people buy into the conventional notion that "good" parking spots are those near a store and "bad" ones are those farther away. So when they go to the mall, they drive up and down the lanes, desperately hoping that someone will pull out of a good spot. If, after five or ten minutes, it finally happens, the adrenaline surges. Then they drive like maniacs to beat the other shoppers to the coveted spot.
This irrational behavior has profound effects on psychological health. When these people get a good spot, they feel like a million bucks. When they don't, they grumble and complain and swear under their breath at the lucky jerks who did. They let fate determine their mood. Don't be one of them!
Always park far away from the store you are patronizing. You can do it if you simply reorganize your thinking. Just tell yourself that the close-in parking spots are the bad ones and the distant ones are the good ones. The energy you now devote to tracking down parking spots can then be channeled into more productive activities.
Reasons not to park close to a store
Walking is good exercise.
You're less likely to get dings on your doors.
The anticipation of encountering items on sale has longer to build.
You'll save gas and therefore spew less pollution into the air and therefore get to think of yourself as a more responsible passenger on Mother Earth than your fellow shoppers.
Fun activities
Mentally note the number of instances of parking rage that occur between your car and the store.
When you leave the store, point and silently mouth, "I'm leaving," to someone waiting for a spot and see how long they follow you.
The difference between a "good" spot and a "bad" one at Wal-Mart is typically around 150 feet.
Parking spaces vary in size, but usually are eight to nine feet wide.
Leon James, author of Road Rage and Aggressive Driving, says research shows that people who know someone is waiting for their spot will take several seconds longer to pull out just to "reassert their freedom."
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't
park anywhere near the place.
--Steven Wright
Copyright 2007 by Robert W. Harris. All rights reserved.
Don't watch the colorized version of
It's a Wonderful Life
Colorization--the process of adding color to black-and-white films--was invented by Wilson Markle and Brian Hunt in 1983. Since then, dozens of classic films have been "fixed" by anti–black-and-white zealots. They even colorized Casablanca (ironically, Humphrey Bogart's face was actually gray). Fortunately, Citizen Kane has escaped--at least for now.
Colorization has been referred to as "cultural vandalism" by The Writers Guild of America West. Critic Eric Mink called it a "bastardization" of film. And Gilbert Cates, then president of the Director's Guild of America, said that it ". . . is a process of dissembling the historical and artistic fabric of our landmarks." Yet many people watch these colorized movies. Don't be one of them!
Insist on the original black-and-white. If you're ever watching an old movie on TV and you suspect chromatic trickery, check your movie guide to see how the original was produced. If it was in black-and-white, don't panic. Just take your remote, open the Video menu, and drain out all of the color. Then you can watch the film as it was intended to be watched.
Other classic movies not to watch colorized
The Absent-Minded Professor
Adam's Rib
Arsenic and Old Lace
Bringing Up Baby
King Kong
The MalteseFalcon
Miracle on 34th Street
White Heat (presumably the white part remains white)
Yankee Doodle Dandy
Fun activities
Write a scathing letter to Ted Turner, a vocal proponent--and bankroller--of movie colorization.
Start an Anti-Colorization League in your neighborhood.
Protest colorization with a silent candlelight vigil.
The inventors of colorization were Canadian--still are, for all I know.
Colorization was first used in 1970 on film of the moon taken by Apollo astronauts.
Some older TV shows are also being colorized, so stay alert!
Chapter Two
Don't try to bathe with
a sliver of soap
Frugality is a virtue. Of course. Waste not, want not. When frugality improves the quality of your life, it's a good thing. But when frugality becomes an end in itself, it's time to step back and get some perspective.
Some people believe that saving fractions of pennies is worthwhile. They are excessively frugal with everything, even those things that cost very little--like soap. These folks, for reasons unknown to science, use a bar of soap until it becomes a paper-thin sliver about the size of a postage stamp. Only then do they indulge themselves by opening a new bar. Don't be one of them!
Accept the fact that soap is inexpensive. When a bar no longer gives a good lather, toss it, no matter what its size. And realize that your perception of soap, and every other thing you interact with in your world, affects the quality of your life. If your mind continually gets "just scraping by" messages, it will try to ensure that you just scrape by. But if it gets "enjoying life's bounty" messages, it will try to ensure that your cup is always running over. Trust me on this one.
•••
Napoleon Bonaparte once sent a letter to his wife in which he told her not to bathe during the two weeks that would pass before he returned home.
A man often pays dear for a small frugality.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love
most is soap-on-a-rope.
--Bill Cosby
Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of
lather each time from individual bars of soap.
--Howard Hughes
Ohmigod!
If a little sliver of soap takes a short bath in warm water it can often become supple enough to conform to the contours of its big brother, the new bar that just arrived. With a little gentle pressure these two will cling together. . . . The purpose of this soap splicing is twofold. One is that it affords some respect for the pith of the piece that once was much greater. . . . And secondly, why discard something that is still useful? . . . There is the added pleasure of seeing a successful splice take hold and providing a good home for the aging, squinny sliver.
--Raymond Weisling
www.geocities.com/Tokyo/8908/clatter/soaps.html
Chapter Three
Don't hunt for
the "best" parking spot
Most people buy into the conventional notion that "good" parking spots are those near a store and "bad" ones are those farther away. So when they go to the mall, they drive up and down the lanes, desperately hoping that someone will pull out of a good spot. If, after five or ten minutes, it finally happens, the adrenaline surges. Then they drive like maniacs to beat the other shoppers to the coveted spot.
This irrational behavior has profound effects on psychological health. When these people get a good spot, they feel like a million bucks. When they don't, they grumble and complain and swear under their breath at the lucky jerks who did. They let fate determine their mood. Don't be one of them!
Always park far away from the store you are patronizing. You can do it if you simply reorganize your thinking. Just tell yourself that the close-in parking spots are the bad ones and the distant ones are the good ones. The energy you now devote to tracking down parking spots can then be channeled into more productive activities.
Reasons not to park close to a store
Walking is good exercise.
You're less likely to get dings on your doors.
The anticipation of encountering items on sale has longer to build.
You'll save gas and therefore spew less pollution into the air and therefore get to think of yourself as a more responsible passenger on Mother Earth than your fellow shoppers.
Fun activities
Mentally note the number of instances of parking rage that occur between your car and the store.
When you leave the store, point and silently mouth, "I'm leaving," to someone waiting for a spot and see how long they follow you.
The difference between a "good" spot and a "bad" one at Wal-Mart is typically around 150 feet.
Parking spaces vary in size, but usually are eight to nine feet wide.
Leon James, author of Road Rage and Aggressive Driving, says research shows that people who know someone is waiting for their spot will take several seconds longer to pull out just to "reassert their freedom."
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't
park anywhere near the place.
--Steven Wright
Copyright 2007 by Robert W. Harris. All rights reserved.
Continues...
Excerpted from 101 Things NOT to Do Before You Die by Harris, Robert W. Copyright © 2007 by Harris, Robert W.. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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