Perv: Stories by Rabih Alameddine, Michael Denneny (Editor)

From the Publisher

A provocative first collection of stories by the author of Koolaids

Following the publication of his critically acclaimed first novel, Koolaids, Rabih Alameddine offers a collection of stories that explores the experience of a number of Lebanese characters - men and women, gay and straight--whose lives have been blown apart by a disastrous civil war and the resulting international diaspora. Daring in style as well as content, these tales explore the relationships that anchor our hearts to the world -- father and son, grandson and grandmother, pedophile and 12-year-old boy, young man and woman of the streets, sister and sister, daughter and father, gay man and heterosexual, the quick and their dead.

Suffused by a yearning for what has been lost, these narratives are both experimental and traditional, humorous and disturbing, and confirm without doubt that Alemeddine is one of the most original and accomplished young writers to emerge in some time.

Publishers Weekly

The arresting title of this first collection from the author of the well-received novel Koolaids should not turn away readers who might discover Alameddine's considerable talents. Indeed, the eponymous novella seems purposely confrontational. The unnamed narrator, a gay man obviously dying of AIDS, corresponds with a pedophile named Bill. The dying man pretends to be a 13-year-old boy who has moved to San Francisco from Lebanon, and his letters are deliberately framed to encourage Bill's sexual cravings. The question that the story explicitly raises is the true nature of perversion: the narrator maintains that society at large is more perverted than the people it accuses of sexual transgression. He addresses the reader directly: "Do you ever think about what made me the way I am? You did." The remaining seven stories are equally edgy, acerbic and unsparing. Lebanon's proverbial breakdown is the black margin around everyone, whether the characters live in that country or have emigrated elsewhere. "The Changing Room" is an elegant, scathing memoir of an upper-class Lebanese boy sent off to an English boarding school in the '70s. While his country is falling into ruin, the boy moves from a war zone "directly into hell. Nothing prepared me for the cruelty of the English." The memoirist's vein is further pursued in "My Grandmother, the Grandmaster," in which an expatriated Lebanese writer recalls the role his mother's mother has played in his life, encouraging his intellectual talents that are derided by his rich but boorish father. She is a grande dame from an impeccable family line, but her genius in chess symbolizes the paradox of sexist Lebanon, where the chess association will not grant her recognition. The story displays the manners and mores of a ruling class on the brink of the abyss. These stinging narratives vibrate with an electrical tension that comes partly from Alameddine's penchant for the outrageous, partly from his unflinching view of a society in chaos. (July) Copyright 1999 Cahners Business Information.

Library Journal

The Lebanese-born author of Koolaids presents a thematically related collection of blunt, discomforting stories set largely in a Lebanese diaspora whose people reel from civil war and their own inability to find connection and peace. Several of the stories scrutinize the loneliness and anxiety of being gay in a disapproving community and in the continuing era of AIDS; "Duck" is an imaginative, nearly poetic series of fragments connecting a lover's slow death, a childhood duck hunt, a musing on suicide, and a Daffy Duck cartoon, while "The Changing Room" recounts life among outcasts in an English boarding school at a time of tragedy. The most spirited, triumphant story, "My Grandmother, the Grandmaster," recalls a chess match attended by the young narrator and his wily grandmother, who would become the only family member not to shun the narrator later in life. The long title story tells of a desperate sexual correspondence between a middle-aged man and a pubescent boy, at least one of whom is not as he seems. It is a confrontational introduction to a demanding but impressive book. For larger and specialized collections.--Janet Ingraham Dwyer, Columbus, OH Copyright 1999 Cahners Business Information.

Kirkus Reviews

A first collection of loosely related stories and a title novella, from the Lebanese-born author of Koolaids (1998). The seven briefer stories, which seem to be partially autobiographical, depict—usually in discrete fragments arranged in nonsequential paragraphs—the experience of growing up in a volatile country with extreme social and ethnic contrasts and riven by civil war; and the experience of various "escapes" from parental expectations as well as more immediate dangers. The typical protagonist here is a sensitive outsider lost in the world of books and enduring complex relationships with such imposing loved ones as "My Grandmother, the Grandmaster" (a story where a chess match assumes clever symbolic importance) or with a once-beloved cousin ("Remembering Nasser") who disapproved of his homosexuality. Sexual confusion and guilt are paramount in several pieces ("Duck" and "A Flight to Paris") that mourn the loss of a lover to AIDS, and especially in "The Changing Room," a tense account of a wary Lebanese boy's experiences in an English boarding school. The centerpiece—and most troubling story here—is The Perv, a self-justifying pedophile's nauseatingly explicit account of his correspondence with a nubile (Lebanese-American) boy enjoyably exploring his own gayness. Or is this only the fantasy of an aging recluse (who may be a patient in a hospital or sanatorium), comforting and exciting himself with the particulars of imaginary passions ("I have always been someone else, always")? Alameddine skillfully juggles several possibilities in a deeply confrontational fiction that hauls the reader headlong into intimate contact with a defiantly unconventional sensibility. Despite some monotony, this is a vivid and interesting further exploration of Alameddine's uniquely multinational, multisexual fiction. It's not a likable book, but it's one that the reader does come to respect.

What People Are Saying

"By turns raunchy and heartbreaking, The Perv is a bold and startlingly original collection that defies categorization. Filled with loss and hope, humor and redemption, these stories make you laugh despite yourself. Alameddine is a writer of astonishing gifts; his prose is at once lyrical and heartbreaking in its directness. An audacious debut collection that should establish him as one of the finest--and most wicked--writers of our time." --Laurie Foos, author of Ex Utero and Portrait of the Walrus by a Young Artist

"The Perv is unflinching: lonely, angry, sad and mournful, yet often luminescent with love. This is a book filled with humor, insight, and rough edges-a fascinating read." --Barbara Dimmick, author of In The Presence of Horses

Product Details

• Table of Contents
• Read a Sample Chapter

Table of Contents

Read a Sample Chapter

Chapter One

The Perv

    Wanted: Teen Son/Friend

You're 18 max., honest, caring, athletic, good kid. Very slim, hairless build. Extremely young boyish good looks/cute. I am honest, caring, adventurous, good person, 6'1", 205. My interests include all sports, fitness, travel, outdoors, photos, painting, warm times, teen boys, fun, languages ++. Bill—Box 16, 420 NW Ninth Ave., Portland, OR 97209

Sammy has the perfect name for a young boy. It works on a number of levels. One first notices the androgynous nature of the name. It appeals to a larger number of people than a more common androgenic name like Tom, John, or George. In any case, none of these names would have worked, for Sammy is Lebanese. It is one of the few names that is both Arabic and Western. Even the pronunciation is almost the same. Sammy in Lebanese would have a little bit of a longer a like Sam in English, so it would be like Sam with a y. His parents would not have been able to give him a Western name without identifying him as Christian. Sammy is a name used by both Christian and Muslim Lebanese. So, you see, the boy has the perfect name.

I know you think of me as a pervert. You judge me. By your standards, I am a pervert. But who are you to judge? What gives you the right to decide what I do is perverted? What makes you think you know what is moral? Is your life so pure? I doubt it. What did Jesus say about throwing the first stone? Yet all you followers of Jesus judge the most harshly. You are so stuck in yourways. You believe you know what is right and what is wrong, what is moral and what is immoral. You think you have the right to judge. That is so unfair.

    If I am a pervert, it is God who made me this way.

    I am tired. I do not wish to convince you of anything. If you want to judge me, go ahead. You can read this or not. I do not give a damn anymore. I've given up. You go ahead. Think what you will.

    Dear Bill,

Hello. My name is Sammy. I am responding to your ad in Boyheaven. I am hoping you could be my pen pal. I am looking for gay men to get to know. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. We just moved here two years ago. I am from Lebanon.

You can write me at my uncle's address. He's gay and lives in San Francisco. But please don't write anything funny on the envelope. OK? I told him I am looking for a pen pal, but I didn't tell him where I got the ad from.

Anyway, my interests include sports too. I like all sports, but particularly soccer. I play about four times a week. I will be starting high school in September, and I was told I would probably be able to make the school team unless lots of good players come in at the same time. I like going to movies a lot. I like reading. I read everything. I also like computers a lot. I am writing this letter on a computer.

Anyway, I have to go now. I hope you can write me back soon. Tell me about yourself and everything.

Sammy

Sammy really is a nice boy. He is well behaved. Like most boys his age, he is very confused about his sexuality. Then again, he believes he is gay, He is attracted to men sexually. That seems to be a given. He thinks he has been gay for as long as he can remember. His earliest memories always included an attraction to men. That much is known. He is not that confused about his sexuality after all. Unlike other boys his age who could be confused, Sammy is not. That is what makes him special, and a little different.

I'm getting old. Old, old, old, old. I hate it. You may have guessed it. Today is my birthday. I never liked birthdays. Not mine or anybody else's. We make such a big deal out of them. One year closer to death. I really hate it. I need a breather. I need to figure things out. I wish time would just stand still for a while and let me catch up.

    I do not know whether the lack of energy I am experiencing is due to my disease or my aging. Does it matter? Why do I worry about such things? Either way, my body is decaying. Isn't that a wonderful thought? I am decaying. Well, my body is. My mind remains active, if a bit more cynical. I am old and I hate it. Where have all those years gone? I wonder if other people are as obsessed about growing old as I am. I mean, I do know that everybody is concerned about growing old, but are they as obsessed about it? Are you?

    Hi Sammy,

I just received your letter and wanted to reply to you right away. We have so many things in common. My favorite sport is also soccer, or what the rest of the world calls football. I both coach and play the game. I coach the high school junior varsity soccer team. I've been coaching for 12 years. We finished 10-1-5 and tied for second place. I play on a team in the men's league.

I like to participate in all kinds of sports: tennis (I play that the most), handball and racquetball (helps me keep in shape), basketball, and I also snow and water ski. My other interests include world travel, languages (Spanish, French, Romanian, and a little German, Portuguese, Italian, and Vietnamese), black-and-white photography, fitness (weight lifting), outdoor, camping, adventure, young boys!!!, reading, movies, the arts, etc.

I love life and I like trying new things. Unfortunately, I don't have a computer yet, but I am thinking of getting one. What would you recommend? I would be interested in knowing what you think.

For 18 years I lived in Tulsa. When I finished high school, I went to college in New York. Then I taught Spanish in high school in California (Modesto), Chicago, and finally Portland. I like teaching and coaching. I coached the boys' teams in baseball, basketball, tennis, soccer, and American football.

I played on teams in all those sports in college and high school as well. I always loved sports. Don't you?

When I came to Portland and the Northwest, I really liked mountains, lakes, oceans, desert, river—nature. So I stayed.

Now I have a contracting business and build and renovate homes.

This year two boys, really great kids from Romania, are living with me and going to high school. They are brothers and straight, I think (I know they are brothers, I think they are straight, ha ha!). For Christmas we went to Texas for three weeks. We drove through Oregon and California a couple of weeks ago. Reached as far south as Carmel and Monterey. We stayed in San Francisco for a day also, which was too bad because I didn't know you then or we could have met and gotten to know each other.

Since I love to travel and love being in different cultures, I have lived around the world. I've lived and traveled in Vietnam, Australia and New Zealand, Brazil, Colombia, Equador, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Mexico, most of Europe (East and West). I lived in France and Germany for a year. Taught English in Germany and coached basketball and tennis in France. From '92-'94 I lived in Romania, where I taught English, PE, and coached sports. I also played on soccer and basketball teams there.

I'd like to get to know you, Sammy, find out about the things you like. What do you study in school? What classes are you taking? What are you favorite subjects? How long have you known you liked men and when did you find out? Do you know any young gay boys your age?

Feel free to ask me anything you want.

Would you please send a couple of photos of yourself? I would love to see what you look like.

Write soon.

Bill Wesselman Box 16, 420 NW Ninth Ave., Portland, OR 97209

Sammy looks really sweet. He seems to have light blue eyes and dark brown hair, which is a little curly, giving him a somewhat angelic look, as if he has a halo. The hair looks slightly unmanageable, an impish quality, further emphasized by a mischievous smile. He is not necessarily handsome, but definitely cute. He'll be a cutie-pie for a long time to come, and when he gets older, he will probably be better than average. He seems to be on the small side, probably no more than five feet five inches, maybe a hundred and fifteen, but who can really tell from a tiny black-and-white photo?

    You can tell some things from a picture. You can tell that Sammy is really adorable. You can tell he is innocent, looking forward to life. His picture shows him smiling. A lovely smile. It shows a boy at the age before life has begun to oppress. Everything is possible. Nothing is out of his grasp. Sammy is a boy with a lot of potential.

I wonder sometimes if I need help. I swear to you, I have been to therapists and psychiatrists. Nothing worked. I have tried many different therapies to no avail. I have been on many medications. A miracle drug, they told me. I believed them at one point. I took so many. I don't recall the names anymore as much as I recall the colors. Blue pills, red pills, yellow-striped pills. I had all kinds. I took antidepressants. You'd think that would work, wouldn't you? No. Nothing worked.

    I know what you're thinking. I really do. You're thinking castration. Hell, California's glorious governor, the evil Pete Wilson, signed a bill, didn't he? Do you think that would work? You're fooling yourselves because my problems have nothing to do with my balls. Not a single thing. But I know you fucking jump to conclusions. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

    Did you ever stop to think that you are the perverts, not me?

    Dear Bill,

I just got your letter. It was great. I think you were reading my mind. My uncle asked me if I got a picture of you so I showed him the one with Nicolae and Tomas and I told him Tomas was you. See, he keeps after me to find a boyfriend my age so I had told him, you, my pen pal, were around my age. I couldn't believe how lucky that you sent that picture. This must be fate or karma or something like that. It must be. How else would it have happened so great?

The pictures are great. When I first saw them, all I could say was WOW! Boy, you sure are handsome. You really are. Really cute. When I saw your ad, I wrote but I was expecting the worst. Not that it really mattered since we're only pen pals and I would have written to you anyway, no matter what you looked like. But it was great to find out you're so cute. How old are you anyway? You have a nice house and your boat is great. Do you water-ski a lot? I don't do it as much, but I love it. We water-ski in the Delta over here. I was very happy to hear about you coaching soccer. That's my favorite sport. I love it so much. I play all the time.

I didn't know you were in Bucharest. Well, come to think about it, I didn't know anything about you! I was there too. We went on vacation there. I don't remember much. I think my father had business in Romania.

You asked me how long I have been gay. I think I have been as long as I remember. Not that anyone can tell. I don't look gay or anything like that. Even my uncle didn't know until I told him, but his boyfriend said he knew I was, but I think he just said that because I told him nobody could tell. My uncle is a nice guy and I really like him, but he is silly sometimes. He thinks I am too young to worry about being gay and stuff like that, but I think he is worried that my parents would be upset with him, which is really silly. He doesn't want me to tell any of his friends that I am gay, which is also silly. I like him anyway. I also like his lover, who is really cool. I like visiting them a lot because they live in San Francisco, near the Castro, which is a lot more fun than where I live. Anywhere is more fun than where I live.

I don't have a boyfriend yet. The only guy I fooled around with is my brother. You can't tell anybody that, okay? He would get really upset if I tell anybody. He is straight though. He's 17 and he is having sex with his girlfriend so we don't fool around as much anymore so I'm looking for a boyfriend because I think about it all the time. Do you have a boyfriend? How old is he? You said you are interested in young boys!!! I thought that was funny (the exclamations). Well I like men!!! but I don't know whether men would be interested in me. My uncle says that a lot of men would be, but that I should find a boyfriend my age. I don't care as long as he is a nice guy.

You asked me what I am studying in school. I will be starting high school in September. I will be studying the usual stuff. I will be attending Lowell High School, which is a magnet school. I will be going there because they have a great math program and I am very good at it. I have already started calculus, which is why Lowell has recruited me. I am a very good student, but I don't think I am as good as everybody thinks I am. I just look good because most students here in America don't study like we used to. I find it surprising how bad most kids are in math over here. Lowell High School is going to be interesting. All the kids are smarter than anywhere else. That should be interesting. But I have already been told that I will be the only one taking the math classes, which means that there is no one else who is as good as I am, which is not so good. Anyway, since all the kids are smart, the soccer team is not the best, which means I will probably be able to make the varsity or the junior varsity at least, which should be fun.

High school is going to be interesting. I think I can make lots of friends. Most of the people at Lowell are Chinese. I hope I can get along with them. I don't have any gay friends. I am hoping that maybe when I get to high school, I will be able to find some. I don't know how yet, because I can't tell who is gay and who isn't. And if somebody is really gay, then I don't really like them, like if they act like girls or stuff like that.

I will be traveling to Europe soon. Sometime in early June. I leave with my folks, so that should be fun. You should write me again soon, before I leave. Okay?

Questions for you. Okay? Do you have a boyfriend? When you said you like young boys, does that mean you like them as boyfriends? Does that mean you don't have friends your age? Do you have a boyfriend your age? Do you like sex with young boys or with men? You're not married, are you? Do you have lots of gay friends in Portland?

Anyway, I hope you like my picture. I don't have many pictures because they make me look dorky. Mom says I don't look dorky, but I still think I do. But anyway, the picture should give you an idea what I look like but I look better in person!

Is your name Wesselman? I couldn't tell from the handwriting so excuse me if I wrote it wrong. Does that mean you are Jewish? If so, have you ever been to Israel? I haven't, but would like to someday. It's the closest country to Lebanon, but I have never been there.

Anyway, please write soon. I can't wait to hear from
you. And you can feel free to ask me anything you want too.

Sammy

Sammy is so full of life, gregarious. Life seems to have blessed him. Everybody loves Sammy. He seems to have it together. People like to be around a boy with such a wonderful attitude. He inspires those around him. He is just one of those people that other people want to hold and hug and play with.

    He moved to the United States from Lebanon a couple of years ago. It could not have happened at a better time. It could not have happened to a better boy. Can you imagine the kind of pressure he must have been under growing up in a war-torn country? Can you imagine the kind of tragedies he must have suffered? No, you cannot fathom that angelic face going through horrific experiences. You would want to save him. Yes, that face would demand it of you. Lebanon does not deserve Sammy. No, he was born to become an American. America needs boys like him.

    Vigor, that's a better word. Sammy is full of vigor.

I woke up today with a pain in my side. It is a dull, constant pain, not throbbing or stabbing. It is on my right side, a little under my liver. I always try to document the type and location of my pain. It makes it more real. Without that, people would not believe me, and if they do not, then they say I am hallucinating or faking it. My pain is real, believe me.

    I don't know where the pain came from. I don't think it was because of the way I slept. Every day it is something new. Ah, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I bet you it will get worse before the end of the day.

    I, like Thomas Jefferson, believe the art of life is the art of avoiding pain. I do not understand some philosophers' infatuation with the idea of pain. Slow, protracted pain that takes its time and in which we are, as it were, burned with green wood does not improve me, or deepen me for that matter. It hurts me. Philosophers are so full of it.

    I would give anything for a day without some kind of pain. I have not had one since I was a boy. Those were the days. Not just happy days, but pain free. Why do those days seem like such a distant memory?

    Hi Sammy,

I was so happy to get a letter from you. I think we have some kind of karma between us already. It was strange because this morning I had a feeling that a letter from you had arrived at the place where I get my mail. Even though I had gone there yesterday to pick up the mail, I went again today and guess what? Your letter was the only one there. We must be on the same wavelength. Isn't that great?

I was very surprised you thought I was cute. Not many people do, but thanks. Now you, I can say, are very cute. I'll tell you how old I am in the next letter. But before I do that, I want you to take a wild guess when you write next. How old do you think I am?

I play soccer once a week. What about you? How often do you play? And what position? I'm usually center midfielder, but sometimes if my team needs to score, I move up and play forward. Last week we played a terrible game and we couldn't score at all, so this week I played up front. I scored once and got an assist and we won 2-1. I liked it much better this week. We also go out waterskiing 2—3 times a week during the summer. A lot of Romanian boys stay with me during the summer and the rest of the year and they have never skied before. So I take them out on my boat whenever I can because it makes them happy.

How long were you in Bucharest? When? How did you like it?

Does your brother know you're gay?

I am not married now nor have I ever been. And I don't have a boyfriend either. I have many friends, gay, straight, or whatever. We play sports and do a lot of fun things together like go out to dinner and movies. I like people of all kinds, but sexually I am only attracted to young boys like you. I don't find men sexually or physically attractive at all. You asked about young boys. I like them as friends or also in a father-son type relationship. I had a boy move in with me when he was 14. We stayed together until he joined the navy at 16. Those three years we did everything together—travel, work, play, grow, etc. I loved him and vice versa, which was really wonderful. I want to share my entire life with the right boy.

It sounds like you really got the high school figured out. Is the school a private school? Are you an Einstein in math?

Your photo was nice. Do you have a Polaroid? I'd sure like to see a photo of you in a swimsuit (or out of a swimsuit). Would you feel comfortable with that?

My name is from my German side (I'm not Jewish). My mother's side is Romanian.

I've never been to Israel. What do you think of Israel? Are you pro Israel, against it, or neutral? Are you Muslim or Christian?

Are things much better in Lebanon now? Do you and your family want to go back to live? To visit?

Where will you go in Europe? When? How long? Have you traveled in Europe before?

There's a good chance I'll go there for a couple of months also. When I lived in Bucharest for 2 years, I bought a used VW in Germany that I used. I left it in Romania with a friend. Nicolae and Tomas go back on June 25th. I may go then, get the car, and travel through Ireland and Scotland. Or I may go to some of the Italian, French, and Spanish beaches. There are some really cute young boys there—almost as cute as you!

You said to ask you anything. Ready?

If you were with a nice man, what sort of things would you like to do? Sexually, what do you think you would enjoy the most? Doesn't your uncle want to have sex with you?

Can you see what you can do about coming up with a few photos of the WHOLE you. You said that you have a really slim and hairless body; that really turns me on. Boys about your age who are totally hairless are the most attractive for me.

Write soon, Sammy—and send a few good (better) photos please.

Take care.

Love,

Bill

Box 16, 420 NW Ninth Ave., Portland, OR 97209

P.S. You said you mess around with your brother. What sort of things do you do? What did you like the most?

Sammy is brilliant. That is apparent to anyone who comes into contact with him. All you have to do is exchange a couple of words with him and you can sense that. He is precocious. A wonderful boy. His teachers obviously love him. It isn't every day that a teacher comes across a boy as charming, as intelligent, and as personable as Sammy. Most teachers spend a lifetime without coming across a boy like that. What a shame. That's what I say, what a shame. His teachers salivate at the mere idea of a boy like Sammy coming into their class.

    What about his peers? Good question. There, he may have a problem. Since he is so intelligent, he really has nothing in common with his cohorts. He is ahead in his class so he does not come across boys his age much anyway. Most of his classmates are older boys and they would have little to do with him of course. Jealousy plays a part in his relationships with his peers. In fact, he is not well liked by the other kids. Boys his age can be so unkind and so, so cruel. They can tease mercilessly, play malicious games, or simply act savagely. They try to humiliate the boys that are different, especially those that are better than them. It is the way of life, the unfairness of it. This may explain why he gets along so much better with adults. They appreciate him more.

    Sammy is a rarity, an incredibly smart boy who is not cocky, a boy who is down-to-earth, lovable, and incredibly cheerful. He still has not grasped how special he is, which, of course, makes him all the more special. A delightful peach.

I was once a boy with a lot of potential. At one point, I was destined for greatness. Destiny then proceeded to screw me. Fuck up my life, it did. What happened?

    What happened to my life? I graduated from the best schools on three different continents. I never had a problem with studying. I had a natural ability when it came to being tested. I certainly had an above average IQ. I graduated everywhere with honors. I even got a graduate degree from Yale, a master's in sociology. They say one meets contacts in a school like Yale. All the movers and shakers of the world start there. I did not meet any of them. We must have hung out in different circles. I cannot figure it out for the life of me.

    There were so many things that I was capable of, so many things I could have been or done. My potentialities were limitless. How could I possibly have fulfilled them? I started my own business. I did well, but never exceptionally so. It was never my fault. I was not a failure by any means. I accomplished what I set out to do, but I never received any breaks. Opportunity never really came knocking. Not even once, as I recall. It probably came to my door, looked in, and said, "This boy is doing okay, I'll go help someone else."

    I never had a relationship. Never. Could you believe it? Well, you probably would, you assholes. You probably think I don't deserve to be in a relationship. Well, I do. It's just bad luck. I never found someone to love me. But don't think for a minute that I spent my time bemoaning that fact. I just went on with my life. It just did not amount to much. That's all. And it isn't that it did not amount to much objectively. It did not amount to much relative to all the potential I was supposed to have, relative to the sublime life I should have lived. Well, I know you're snickering, so fuck you. You can stop reading this anytime, you fucking jerks. Think about this before you do though: Are you happy? Are you satisfied with where your life ended up? Are you really, or are you deluding yourself again? Why do you think you are better than I am? Why? Go on, go fuck yourselves.

    Dear Bill,

We sure are on the same wavelength. I am not surprised you had a feeling that my letter arrived. Things like that happen to me all the time. So I am not surprised. I am surprised you say that not many people think you're cute. I think you are very handsome. Really. You also have a great body, great muscles and all that. I think you're very attractive. Anyway, I don't think I am very cute. Everybody says I am, but it's not really true. Well, maybe cute, but not really handsome. I look dorky. But, I feel better about how I look these days anyway, 'cause all my uncle's friends say I am very cute, but none of the girls at school think I am, but since I am not as interested in what the girls think anyway, I feel better. Also Mom thinks I am very cute, but she doesn't count. I'll try to find some more pictures. I don't have any really. I always hated pictures and Mom keeps pestering me about taking pictures, but I won't let her. So I have to find someone else to take pictures of me because my mom might get suspicious. I'll try seeing if I can send one with a swimsuit. Your picture waterskiing was really great and guess where I was looking! I don't have a Polaroid. Maybe I can get my uncle to take pictures of me, but I am not sure he would be willing to take one of me without a swimsuit. Anyway, I know you say you like a slim and totally hairless body, but I really am hairless. I don't have any hair yet, not even down there, so I am not sure you would like a picture of me without a swimsuit. I am also not very big down there either. I am also not circumcised. So I'm not sure you would like it. But if I turn around, I have a great butt because I run so much. I'm proud of my butt and legs. Would it be too much to ask you to send me pictures of you without a shirt and without a swimsuit? I really would love that. But if it is a problem, don't worry about it, okay?

Let's see. To answer your questions about soccer. I too play center midfielder most of the time. Although now, since I play on teams where everybody is much older, I usually play left- or right-wing midfielder 'cause I am fast, but not big enough or strong enough to play center midfielder. I'm not yet 5'5", you see. I'm also two years younger than the next youngest guy on the team I play on. It will probably be the same thing in high school.

To answer your Bucharest questions. We were there for two weeks. That was a long, long time ago. I am not sure when it was. I don't remember much of it though. I was very young. My parents loved it, and they intend to go back. My dad has been there a couple of times without me.

How come you don't have a boyfriend or a lover? I want one. I am glad you are attracted to young boys sexually 'cause I am attracted to men I think.

Am I an Einstein in math? I don't think so, but everybody else seems to think so. I don't think I am an Einstein, I think they are not very good, that's all. But I am also good in English, and I draw and paint very well too. Lowell High is a public school. It is the best school in the area, public or private. It's a magnet school.

What do I think of Israel? The Israelis are okay. They can be assholes sometimes, but the same could be said of the Lebanese. I wish they would leave Lebanon alone. I still would like to visit sometimes. I am Christian, which is why I am not circumcised. Things are better in Lebanon. But no, I will not go back. I already told my parents that I like it much better over here. I would stay with my uncle if they decide to go back. I like it much better over here. And the men are much cuter!

What do you mean by father-son relationship? I am not sure about that. The magazine Boyheaven said that a lot, but I was never sure what it means. I just thought it meant sex between a dad and his son, which is not going to happen in my case 'cause my dad would freak out royally.

We will probably start in Paris. After that I am not sure. Probably to the south of France for a while. We should be back by mid-July. We lived in Paris before we came here. I love the city but not the French. French men are ugly anyway and they smell.

Now to answer your difficult questions. But you can't tell this to anyone, okay? You have to promise not to tell anyone because I would be in trouble. If I was with a nice man, what would I like to do? I don't know how to answer that. I would probably say, whatever makes him happy. I like doing all sorts of things so anything would be good. I would love to go waterskiing and swimming (nude swimming would be best!). I like to go out to nice restaurants and go to movies. I would like to be with a nice man who would like me. That's important. I want a man who would like me and kiss me a lot. I want a man who would like me and want to hug me all the time. Hug me always and kiss me. I want a man who would hold me and cuddle and stuff like that, but they have to like me. I want a man who wants to touch me and kiss me all over and I want to kiss him all over. I want to lie back and have him kiss me all over the place. And I want him to lie back and let me do the same to him all the time. I want to be able to sleep on a man's chest and I want to kiss his butt (I know that's weird, but I want to do that). I want to be with a guy who likes to play with my butt (that's weird too). Anyway, my uncle doesn't want to have sex with me. He says I am way too young to have sex, which just shows you how silly he is. But his lover doesn't think so. I messed around with him. When I told him I have never had a blow job, he gave me one. He also kissed and licked me all over including my chest and he even put his tongue back there, in my butt and all. But he didn't let me do anything to him. With my brother we messed around a lot for a long time. I was much younger when he had me play with his thing. I used to do it all the time. Then he wanted me to suck him, which I learned how to do and we did that for a long time. I didn't like it at first but when his dick got bigger and he got a lot of hair, I really liked it better. I also liked kissing and licking his balls. That was my favorite. But the best, and you can't tell anybody this, is when he started to fuck me. That was the best. We never did it much because he thought it was weird that I liked it. But I did like it a lot. I like anything to do with my butt. Anyway, my brother says he didn't like fucking me because he likes girls. He says he is straight. I am not because I like getting fucked.

Anyway, I told you everything. Now it is your turn. Can you tell me what you like to do or what you would like to have done to you? And please don't tell anyone what I told you. Also could I have a picture of you without a swimsuit? Also if you like, you can send me your number and I can call you if you want. Anyway, that's it for now. I am going to mail your letter right now and then run into the bathroom to do you know what!

Write me soon, please. I like your letters a lot so please write soon.

Sammy

Sammy is a lucky boy. He has been sexually awakened at a fairly early age. He was initiated into rituals that will be of great help to him as he grows up. He is also smart and intuitive enough to understand many things that many boys twice his age have not begun to fathom. He understands what a real man can offer him. Beyond just simple pleasures, he understands the kind of sexual relationship and its concomitant ecstasies that a man can offer. That is a gift. Sammy is a gifted boy.

    Since Sammy is now twelve, almost thirteen, he must have started fooling around with his brother when he was nine or so. Such a precocious child. Most boys his age have these unexplainable sexual urges. Sammy fulfills his. He also explains them well, quite eruditely I might add. Sammy is a gifted boy.

(Continues...)