Bloodsucking Fiends, Harper Perennial, Christopher Moore, Book

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Product Details

Pub. Date: May 2004
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Format: Paperback, 304pp

Synopsis

Jody never asked to become a vampire. But when she wakes up under an alley Dumpster with a badly burned arm, an aching back, superhuman strength, and a distinctly Nosferatuan thirst, she realizes the decision has been made for her.

Making the transition from the nine-to-five grind to an eternity of nocturnal prowlings is going to take some doing, however, and that's where C. Thomas Flood fits in. A would-be Kerouac from Incontinence, Indiana, Tommy (to his friends) is biding his time night-clerking and frozen-turkey bowling in a San Francisco Safeway. But all that changes when a beautiful undead redhead walks through the door...and proceeds to rock Tommy's life — and afterlife — in ways he never thought possible.

Annotation

With a psychedelic inventiveness that invites comparisons with Kurt Vonnegut and Tom Robbins, the author of Coyote Blue spins a tale of vampires on the loose in San Francisco--a love story readers can really sink their teeth into!

Publishers Weekly

A young man falls in love with a beautiful vampire in Moore's offbeat comic novel. (Oct.)

More Reviews and Recommendations

Biography

With a body of work that boasts some of the most outlandish plots and outrageous characters ever to make it onto the printed page, Christopher Moore is rapidly making a name for himself as the clown prince of contemporary fiction. It may be a dirty job, but Moore is more than up to the task.

More About the Author

Customer Reviews

Reader Rating:
Ratings: 83Reviews: 27
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Funniest Vampire Book Ever!!!by Xedra77

Reader Rating:
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October 17, 2009: In the past, I've rejected romance novels written by men. There's just something that the male author doesn't understand. . . you know? The romance in this book might be a little bit off from a woman's perspective, but Moore totally makes up for it by writing, hands down, the funniest book I've ever read. You just don't get any better than this story about a young vampire learning about herself while trying to deal with a much younger and more naive boyfriend who's trying to find himself.

You'll laugh until you cry. I promise!

Funny Goodby dalnewt

Reader Rating:
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July 30, 2009: This is a 'Seinfield' sort of a story featuring: a hapless, somewhat air-brained 27 year old woman turned vampire; her smitten and nerdy 19 year old grocery stacking minion from 'Incontinence' Indiana; an ancient vampire with a warped sense of humor and need to spice up his unlife; a wise, looney and large indigent Emperor of San Francisco attended by his canine guardsmen; and, a nighttime grocery stocking crew of stoners straight out of "Animal House" (with a little dumbed down "Mash" thrown in) who, (excluding the food-blessing born-again reformed stoner), enjoy supermarket "Jackass" stunts while having luaus in the produce aisle. All these characters, other than the mysterious ancient vamp, are surprisingly sympathetic, and the story is both hilarious and engaging. If you like to laugh and smile, I suggest that you read this book.

I Also Recommend: You Suck, The Reformed Vampire Support Group, Once Bitten, Twice Shy (Jaz Parks Series), Pawn of Prophecy (Belgariad Series #1), Moon Called (Mercy Thompson Series #1).

More Customer Reviews

Fact File

Name:
Christopher Moore

Current Home:
Hawaii and San Francisco, California

Date of Birth:
August 05, 1958

Place of Birth:
Toledo, Ohio

Awards:
Quill Award, Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror Book of the Year, for The Stupidest Angel, 2005 and A Dirty Job, 2006

* Christopher Moore's official web site

Biography

A 100-year-old ex-seminarian and a demon set off together on a psychotic road trip...

Christ's wisecracking childhood pal is brought back from the dead to chronicle the Messiah's "missing years"...

A mild-mannered thrift shop owner takes a job harvesting souls for the Grim Reaper...

Whence come these wonderfully weird scenarios? From the fertile imagination of Christopher Moore, a cheerfully demented writer whose absurdist fiction has earned him comparisons to master satirists like Kurt Vonnegut, Terry Pratchett, and Douglas Adams.

Ever since his ingenious debut, 1992's Practical Demonkeeping, Moore has attracted an avid cult following. But, over the years, as his stories have become more multi-dimensional and his characters more morally complex, his fan base has expanded to include legions of enthusiastic general readers and appreciative critics.

Asked where his colorful characters come from, Moore points to his checkered job resume. Before becoming a writer, he worked at various times as a grocery clerk, an insurance broker, a waiter, a roofer, a photographer, and a DJ -- experiences he has mined for a veritable rogue's gallery of unforgettable fictional creations. Moreover, to the delight of hardcore fans, characters from one novel often resurface in another. For example, the lovesick teen vampires introduced in 1995's Bloodsucking Fiends are revived (literally) for the 2007 sequel You Suck -- which also incorporates plot points from 2006's A Dirty Job.

For a writer of satirical fantasy, Moore is a surprisingly scrupulous researcher. In pursuit of realistic details to ground his fiction, he has been known to immerse himself in marine biology, death rituals, Biblical scholarship, and Goth culture. He has been dubbed "the thinking man's Dave Barry" by none other than The Onion, a publication with a particular appreciation of smart humor.

As for story ideas, Moore elaborates on his website: "Usually [they come] from something I read. It could be a single sentence in a magazine article that kicks off a whole book. Ideas are cheap and easy. Telling a good story once you get an idea is hard." Perhaps. But, to judge from his continued presence on the bestseller lists, Chris Moore appears to have mastered the art.

Good to Know

In researching his wild tales, Moore has done everything from taking excursions to the South Pacific to diving with whales. So what is left for the author to tackle? He says he'd like to try riding an elephant.

One of the most memorably weird moments in Moore's body of work is no fictional invention. The scene in Bloodsucking Fiendswhere the late-night crew of a grocery store bowls with frozen turkeys is based on Moore's own experiences bowling with frozen turkeys while working the late shift at a grocery store.

Feature Interview

In the winter of 2006, Christopher Moore took some time out to talk with us about some of his favorite books, authors, and interests:

What was the book that most influenced your life or your career as a writer?
Cannery Row by John Steinbeck. In Cannery Row, Steinbeck writes about very flawed people, but with great affection, and by doing so, shows us that it is our flaws that make us human, and that is what we share, that is our humanity. A friend of mine used to say, "He writes with the voice of a benevolent God." In the process, the book is also very funny. I think I saw that as a model, as a guide. I'd always written humor that was fairly edgy, but here was a guy writing with great power and gentle humor. I was moved and inspired.

What are your ten favorite books, and what makes them special to you?

Cannery Row by John Steinbeck -- It's that amazing, benevolent, powerful, forgiving voice.

Sweet Thursday by John Steinbeck -- Steinbeck again, great humanity and great humor.

Tortilla Flat by John Steinbeck --This one has a great sense of the romance of the common man. The heroic potential we can realize by our acts, not necessarily our upbringing.

A Bell for Adano by John Hersey -- This, too, has a great voice, a gentle ironic tone, and it shows the interconnectedness of a small town, something that use in my books again and again.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams -- This book was just outright, laugh-out-loud funny. Wildly so. It did something I hadn't seen done before successfully: it made science fiction funny by recognizing the conventions and turning them on their ears. I tried to do the same thing for horror in my first book, Practical Demonkeeping. Whether I was successful or not, is another thing, but I was definitely inspired by Adams.

Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut -- I like all of Vonnegut's books, but I think this one showed how a single theme -- "our brains got too big" -- can be worked through a story for comic effect, and even to reveal the characters. I'm also a big fan of Bluebeard, because of how it discusses abstract expressionist painting, and comments on the impermanence and inherent irony in making art. Also, Vonnegut writes it in short pieces, which he says can be placed in any order and read and the book will still work. It's brilliant that way.

Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins -- I think that in this book, all of Robbins's talents coalesced. He always turns a great phrase, but here the great phrases add up to a great story, with great characters, and a great theme, spanning time and distance, theologies and philosophies, and celebrating the sensual with great joy, in the language and in the whole spirit of the book. I think it may be the most directed exercise in whimsy, or apparent whimsy that anyone has ever done. Definitely an inspiration for me, in that Robbins pulled off something that most people would never attempt. For me, that's where the joy and torture of being a writer comes to bear -- when you take on something and you have no idea whether you can pull it off or not. I don't know if Robbins felt that way about this book, but I think a lot of other people might have.

The Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury -- I discovered Ray Bradbury when I was 11 or 12, and I was already interested in telling stories -- or making stuff up, as I thought about it -- but reading Ray's short stories, I was aware for the first time that there was a craftsman behind the story. That I was being led toward an effect and that there was a craft that could probably be learned. It's very cool, I think, that Ray and I have the same editor now.

Shogun by James Clavell -- This book may have had more impact on me because of the circumstances I was in when I read it. I was 19 and I had just moved to California from Ohio, all my belongings in the trunk of my car, and I didn't know a soul. For the first couple of weeks there, I escaped into medieval Japan, into Blackthorne's stranger in a strange land environment. I don't know how much this book influenced my writing, other than to say that it made me realize that a book can really transport you, shelter you. I walked samurai for weeks, if that makes any sense. When I finally took on a historical setting in Lamb, I tried to have patience with my characters, let them wander around in the book, realizing that if I did it right, the reader would be right there with them.

The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger -- This is where you learn what satire is, where you learn about voice, where you learn about point of view. Holden Caufield is so confused, yet sees his world so clearly. His voice is so distinct. I think that any American who thinks about writing satire has to think about The Catcher in the Rye, and Huckleberry Finn too. Both books are distinctly American, and both establish characters that are essential members of American literature's pantheon. Holden and Huckleberry are in your blood if you're an American writer.

The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway -- I had to think about this one, because I think that Hemingway has ruined more young writers than any other writer, but it wasn't his style or his "awesome presence" that impressed me about this book, it's the economy of passion. It's the struggle, the conflict, all of it happening in a tiny boat, with a normal, working man. It's complete, and does everything a good story should do.

What are some of your favorite films, and what makes them unforgettable to you?

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid -- This movie, for me, may be just perfect. It's funny, the scenes are all beautifully timed, and the friendship between Butch and Sundance ties all the events together. Whenever I go past it, running on the classic movie channel, I stop, and think, "Okay, I'll watch it until the bicycle scene, or the cliff scene, or the knife fight scene," and before I know it, I've watched the whole thing, because every scene has something great about it. I'm chagrined that they are thinking about remaking this movie. When I wrote Lamb, I was thinking about the relationship between my main two characters in terms of Butch and Sundance, a rascal and an angel -� like Huck and Tom Sawyer. The friendship is archetypical.

Harvey -- I can watch Harvey a thousand times, listen to Jimmy Stewart talk about how nobody brings anything small into a bar, and I love it every time. It's about the truth and magic of lunatics, and it's so sweet, and again, so well timed. It's archetypical in my cultural literacy, as is Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. It's a go-to reference for me: "How did they do it in Harvey?"

What types of music do you like? Is there any particular kind you like to listen to when you're writing?
I like rock 'n' roll, the Stones, Springsteen, U2, Foo Fighters, as well as singer-songwriters like Sheryl Crow, Aimee Mann, and John Hiatt, but I don't listen to any of those when I'm writing. When I'm writing I listen to acid jazz or ambient groove or chill music, stuff with a steady, jazzy beat, but no words. Bands like Baby Mammoth, Fila Brasilia, and Afterlife -- usually on Groove Salad, an Internet radio station. Sometimes I'll put on Gershwin or Bach if the mood strikes: I like Rhapsody in Blue and the Brandenburg Concerto No. 3. Seems like stuff should be happening when those songs are playing.

If you had a book club, what would it be reading?
Sailing Around the Room Alone by Billy Collins. It's a collection of poetry, spare and elegant and very, very funny. He catches the spirit of a moment as well as any Japanese haiku poet, yet he has a great sense of silliness and irony. Someone nearly forced me to read this book, putting it in my hand, physically, again and again, and I'm forever grateful. When I needed to think about Death and the importance of the moments of our lives and how to express them, Billy Collins inspires me.

What are your favorite kinds of books to give -- and get -- as gifts?
I like getting art and photography books as gifts, because I normally wouldn't buy them for myself. I also like it when someone gives me a hardcover of a book I really love. Something to keep. It doesn't have to be a first edition or anything, just something I can read over and over again. On some occasions, I've been given books I completely didn't want, like Billy Collins, or Steve Kluger's The Last Days of Summer, only to be completely surprised and delighted.

Do you have any special writing rituals? For example, what do you have on your desk when you're writing?
Everything, including my feet. Really. Right now I'm sitting in the middle of a nest of chaos. I have a big, L-shaped desk, and there's not a free inch of it. It would take two pages to list all the crap on my desk. (I know -- I've tried it.) Consistently, there's always a cup a coffee and a bottle of water there.

Many writers are hardly "overnight success" stories. How long did it take for you to get where you are today? Any rejection-slip horror stories or inspirational anecdotes?
I've been writing professionally for about 15 years now, and I make a pretty good living, which is, I suppose, what you're going for when you start this journey. When I was 16 I decided I wanted to write for a living, but since I didn't really believe I could make enough to live on, I went to college for photography. I got sidetracked for a few years, and then when I was 25 or so, I went to a writer's conference where people said that I was pretty good, that I ought to give it a whirl.

I started getting serious right about then, and I quit my job as an insurance broker and moved to a town where it was cheaper to live and I could do work that didn't take much of my mental energy. I waited tables and such. It was eight years before I sold my first book. I didn't really go through a huge gauntlet of rejections. The challenge for me was developing the discipline to actually finish a book. After I finished my first book, it took about eleven months to sell it, but it didn't feel as if I was struggling. The writing was the hard part.

What tips or advice do you have for writers still looking to be discovered?
Do the work and keep doing the work. Send it out and keep sending it out. If you're writing stories that interest you and challenge you, then they will probably interest and challenge someone else, and the bottom line is, you'll get some satisfaction out of doing the work as well as getting the rewards for it. I don't think I had any success at writing until I gave up worry about being a success and just tried to write stories that I'd like to read.

Feature Essay

Moore also had this to share with his readers:

Getting a Life
When you write books for a living, it doesn't take long to realize that if you don't do something, you're going to spend the bulk of your life in a room, alone, making clicky noises on a keyboard. I think I realized that early on, so I try to pick the subjects of my books so every other one gets me out there doing something. For Island of the Sequined Love Nun, I went to a small island in Micronesia and lived with the natives. (Way overrated, by the way, that "life on a tropical island." Chairs and hot showers are your friends.)

My next book, The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove, would be set in the town I was living in, but I got to do research on psycho-pharmaceuticals, and since most of my friends were on anti-depressants, I got to go out to lunch with them a lot and ask them personal questions. The next book would be Lamb, which took me to Israel, and the first century, but most of the research was academic, so the next project was Fluke, where I lived around and worked with marine mammal biologists for two seasons in Maui. That was an amazing experience that actually culminated in being able to get in the water with singing humpbacks.

So life kind of oscillates for me, from my office to the outside world, and the great thing is, now my readers write me and offer glimpses into their lives. Sometimes I take them up on it. When I needed to know how to steal a 747 for Island of the Sequined Love Nun, I contacted an airline pilot who loved my books. (It wasn't as sensitive back then as it is now.) There's always some cool thing to learn coming around the corner.

More Advice for Aspiring Writers
It's funny how new writers will always ask you how to get an agent, but they hardly ever ask anything about the craft. I've written ten books, I know a lot about the craft. I've only ever gotten an agent once, and that was fifteen years ago, by a complete luck. I don't know anything about getting an agent. I don't think people realize that getting published is sort of like being born -- if you get it right, you only have to do it once.

Philosophy
I pretty much believe that irony is the strongest force in the universe, and I think that someday, some scholar is going to be able to take all of my books and be able to prove that, by the clever application of mathematics, computer science, and advanced weaselocity.

Other Interests
I like to scuba dive and ocean kayak. I'm not particularly good at those things, but they put me in touch with the ocean and my own mortality pretty quickly (particularly because I'm not very good at them). That's always an inspiration, because after I survive getting slammed against some rocks by a ten-foot wave, or hurling through my regulator underwater and watching colorful tropical fish eating my lunch chunks, I really appreciate getting back to my desk. I'm thankful that people will pay to read stuff I make up and I don't have to actually do anything to make a living.

From the Publisher

Jody never asked to become a vampire. But when she wakes up under an alley Dumpster with a badly burned arm, an aching back, superhuman strength, and a distinctly Nosferatuan thirst, she realizes the decision has been made for her.

Making the transition from the nine-to-five grind to an eternity of nocturnal prowlings is going to take some doing, however, and that's where C. Thomas Flood fits in. A would-be Kerouac from Incontinence, Indiana, Tommy (to his friends) is biding his time night-clerking and frozen-turkey bowling in a San Francisco Safeway. But all that changes when a beautiful undead redhead walks through the door...and proceeds to rock Tommy's life — and afterlife — in ways he never thought possible.

Publishers Weekly

A young man falls in love with a beautiful vampire in Moore's offbeat comic novel. (Oct.)

Library Journal

Tommy Flood, a teenaged Jack Kerouac wannabe, leaves his home in Indiana to search for his artistic muse and some adventure. What he finds is Jody, a beautiful redhead who has recently been transformed into a vampire and is trying to find a way to cope with her new "life." Together they go on a giddy romp of San Francisco, dealing with the occasional corpse, some suspicious cops, and a nasty old vampire. They also discover some surprising truths about morality, love, and the mechanics of vampirism along the way. A note to vampire fans: Anne Rice this isn't. Filled with oddball characters, clever dialog, and hilarious situations that are Moore's (Coyote Blue, LJ 1/94) trademarks, this delightful tale deserves a spot on all popular fiction shelves. Highly recommended.-Rebecca House Stankowski, Purdue Univ. Calumet Lib., Hammond, Ind.

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Product Details

Pub. Date: May 2004
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Format: Paperback, 304pp

Table of Contents
Reading Group Guide
Forewords & Introductions
Read an Excerpt

Reading Group Guide

Questions for Discussion

1. Everyone has been exposed to Vampire lore, either through books, movies, or television. How does Jody's transformation into a vampire differ from how you always thought someone became a vampire? In what ways is it similar?

2. Jody and Tommy's relationship moves at a rather alarming pace, and within a week of meeting each other, they are in love. Is love at first sight possible? Or in their case, at first bite? Why do they connect so instantly?

3. The book is filled with religious connotations, whether intentional or not -- from the mention of "the pyramid" (The TransAmerica Tower), to the use of crosses to ward off vampires, to the Animals being referred to as "Crusaders." How intentional do you think this was on the part of the author? What do these add to the story?

4. The book touches upon the idea of euthanasia -- the practice of ending the life of a terminally ill person in a painless or minimally painful way in order to limit suffering -- in that Elijah Ben Sapir, the vampire who creates Jody, only kills those who are about to die or whose lives are limited in some way. What are your feelings about "mercy killings"? Do vampires have an ethical standard?

5. When Simon threatens Jody after she refuses to turn him into a vampire, she ends up killing him in the front of his truck. Jody then blames the killing on Elijah, however, and never confesses it to Tommy. Why not admit to it when Elijah has been restrained?

6. Why are Jody and Tommy "set up" as the culprits in the recent crimes? What would it mean if they were caught? Why do these crimes need to be pinned on anyone? Couldn't the criminals cover up the crimes inanother way?

7. By the end of the novel, both detectives -- Cavuto and Rivera -- begin to believe in the supernatural and that vampires could exist. To what extent do you believe in the supernatural, either vampires, ghosts, or even just that some people may or may not have psychic ability?

8. Tommy uses Anne Rice's The Vampire Lestat, which of course is fiction, as his "Owner's Manual" for learning about Jody and her new powers. Discuss the author's use of fiction within fiction in order to tell a story. Have any members of your group read The Vampire Lestat? How do the two books compare?

9. Once Jody becomes a vampire, she finds that she has many new and different abilities, including superstrength, heightened senses, and superspeed. Which do you think is her most needed new superability?

10. Though Jody finds herself immortal, she also retains many of her normal human characteristics and failings, including vanity, fear, anger, and disgust. Discuss how even though she has become immortal, and can protect herself from many of the regular dangers of everyday life, she is still unable to disassociate herself from normal human emotion.

11. At the end of the book, the reader is left with the impression that Jody is about to turn Tommy into a vampire. If she does change him into a vampire, how do you imagine their story continues? How would it continue if she does not?

Enhancing Your Bookclub

1. Would you be willing to give up your normal life -- being able to go out in the daylight, not being immortal -- in order to become a vampire? You'd be able to live forever, have superstrength and -speed, among many other different gifts. Would it be worth it? Why? Why not?

2. To read more about vampires, take a look at the following titles: The Society of S by Susan Hubbard, Vamped by David Sosnowski, The Book of Renfield: A Gospel of Dracula by Tim Lucas, and Happy Hour at Casa Dracula by Marta Costa.

3. Learn more about vampires: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampires.

Forewords & Introductions

Questions for Discussion

1. Everyone has been exposed to Vampire lore, either through books, movies, or television. How does Jody's transformation into a vampire differ from how you always thought someone became a vampire? In what ways is it similar?

2. Jody and Tommy's relationship moves at a rather alarming pace, and within a week of meeting each other, they are in love. Is love at first sight possible? Or in their case, at first bite? Why do they connect so instantly?

3. The book is filled with religious connotations, whether intentional or not — from the mention of "the pyramid" (The TransAmerica Tower), to the use of crosses to ward off vampires, to the Animals being referred to as "Crusaders." How intentional do you think this was on the part of the author? What do these add to the story?

4. The book touches upon the idea of euthanasia — the practice of ending the life of a terminally ill person in a painless or minimally painful way in order to limit suffering — in that Elijah Ben Sapir, the vampire who creates Jody, only kills those who are about to die or whose lives are limited in some way. What are your feelings about "mercy killings"? Do vampires have an ethical standard?

5. When Simon threatens Jody after she refuses to turn him into a vampire, she ends up killing him in the front of his truck. Jody then blames the killing on Elijah, however, and never confesses it to Tommy. Why not admit to it when Elijah has been restrained?

6. Why are Jody and Tommy "set up" as the culprits in the recent crimes? What would it mean if they were caught? Why do these crimes need to be pinned on anyone? Couldn't the criminals cover up thecrimes in another way?

7. By the end of the novel, both detectives — Cavuto and Rivera — begin to believe in the supernatural and that vampires could exist. To what extent do you believe in the supernatural, either vampires, ghosts, or even just that some people may or may not have psychic ability?

8. Tommy uses Anne Rice's The Vampire Lestat, which of course is fiction, as his "Owner's Manual" for learning about Jody and her new powers. Discuss the author's use of fiction within fiction in order to tell a story. Have any members of your group read The Vampire Lestat? How do the two books compare?

9. Once Jody becomes a vampire, she finds that she has many new and different abilities, including superstrength, heightened senses, and superspeed. Which do you think is her most needed new superability?

10. Though Jody finds herself immortal, she also retains many of her normal human characteristics and failings, including vanity, fear, anger, and disgust. Discuss how even though she has become immortal, and can protect herself from many of the regular dangers of everyday life, she is still unable to disassociate herself from normal human emotion.

11. At the end of the book, the reader is left with the impression that Jody is about to turn Tommy into a vampire. If she does change him into a vampire, how do you imagine their story continues? How would it continue if she does not?

Enhancing Your Bookclub

1. Would you be willing to give up your normal life — being able to go out in the daylight, not being immortal — in order to become a vampire? You'd be able to live forever, have superstrength and -speed, among many other different gifts. Would it be worth it? Why? Why not?

2. To read more about vampires, take a look at the following titles: The Society of S by Susan Hubbard, Vamped by David Sosnowski, The Book of Renfield: A Gospel of Dracula by Tim Lucas, and Happy Hour at Casa Dracula by Marta Costa.

3. Learn more about vampires: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampires.

Christopher Moore is the bestselling author of You Suck, A Dirty Job, The Stupidest Angel, Fluke, Lamb, The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove, Island of the Sequined Love Nun, Bloodsucking Fiends, and Practical Demonkeeping. Visit the

official Christopher Moore website at www.chrismoore.com.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1
Death

Sundown painted purple across the great Pyramid while the Emperor enjoyed a steaming whiz against a dumpster in the alley be low. A low fog worked its way up from the bay, snaked around columns and over concrete lions to wash against the towers where the West's money was moved. The financial district: an hour ago it ran with rivers of men in gray wool and women in heels; now the streets, built on sunken ships and gold-rush garbage, were deserted quiet except for a foghorn that lowed across the bay like a lonesome cow.

The Emperor shook his scepter to clear the last few drops, shivered, then zipped up and turned to the royal hounds who waited at his heels. The foghorn sounds especially sad this evening, don't you think?"

The smaller of the dogs, a Boston terrier, dipped his head and licked his chops.

Bummer, you are so simple. My city is decaying before your eyes. The air is thick with poison, the children are shooting each other in the street, and now this plague, this horrible plague is killing my people by the thousands, and all you think about is food."

The Emperor nodded to the larger dog, a golden retriever.

"Lazarus knows the weight of our responsibility. Does one have to die to find dignity? I wonder."

Lazarus lowered his ears and growled.

Have I offended you, my friend?"

Bummer began growling and backing away from the dumpster. The Emperor turned to see the lid of the dumpster being slowly lifted by a pale hand. Bummer barked a warning. A figure stood up in the dumpster, his hair dark and wild and speckled with trash, skin white as bone. He vaulted out of the dumpster and hissed at the little dog, showing long white fangs. Bummer yelpedand cowered behind the Emperor's leg.

"That will be quite enough of that," the Emperor commanded, puffing himself up and tucking his thumbs under the lapels of his worn overcoat.

The vampire brushed a bit of rotted lettuce from his black shirt and grinned. I'II let you live," he said, his voice like a file on ancient rusted metal. That's your punishment."

The Emperor's eyes went wide with terror, but he held his ground. The vampire laughed, then turned and walked away.

The Emperor felt a chill run up his neck as the vampire disappeared into the fog. He hung his head and thought, Not this. My city is dying of poison and plague and now this--this creature-- stalks the streets. The responsibility is suffocating. Emperor or not, I am only a man. I am weak as water: an entire empire to save and right now I would sell my soul for a bucket of the Colonel's crispy-fried chicken. Ah, but I must be strong for the troops. It could be worse, I suppose. I could be the Emperor of Oakland.

Chins up, boys," the Emperor said to his hounds. "If we are to battle this monster, we will need our strength. There is a bakery in North Beach that will presently be dumping the day-old. Let's be off." He shuffled away thinking, Nero fiddled while his empire went to ashes; I shall eat leathery pastries.

Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story by Christopher Moore

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Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story by Christopher Moore

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Product Details

Synopsis

Annotation

Publishers Weekly

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Customer Reviews

Funniest Vampire Book Ever!!!by Xedra77

Funny Goodby dalnewt

Fact File

Biography

Good to Know

Feature Interview

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