Table of Contents
Contents Acknowledgmentsxv Introductionxvii
1. Letting Go, but Still Showing That You Care1 Laying the Groundwork for a New Kind of Relationship with Your Child Becoming a Mentor: Adding a New Dimension to Your Parenting Role 2 Essential Skills for Mentors 3 Communicating Effectively 3 Listening 3 Closed and Open Questions 5 Why Questions-Communication Stoppers 8
"I"Statements-Beyond Blaming 9 Acting as a Mentor 9 Missing Home 10 Missing Home:The Replay 12 Choosing a Major 15 Changing Majors 17 Changing Majors:The Replay 19 Fall Trip 23 Academic Probation 24 Academic Probation:The Replay 26 Want to Know More? 30
2. Getting Them Off to College 32 Preparing Yourself and Your Child for the Transition Before You Leave Home 32 Getting Organized 33 Helping Your Child Decide What to Bring 36 Electronic Equipment/Appliances/Furniture 36 Decorating the Room 36 Computers 37 Cars on Campus 37 Bicycles 37 Money 38 Initial Costs 38 Spending Money 38 Credit Cards/Checking Accounts 39 Health Insurance 40 Extras 40 Dealing with Special Needs 40 Planning to Stay in Touch 41 Phone Calls/Letters/E-mail, and Care Packages 41 Visiting Your Child 42 Orientation/Send-off Parties 43 The Dreaded Drop-off43 Saying Good-bye 43 Returning Home 45 Going It Alone 47 Want to Know More? 50
3. Roommates, Fraternity Parties, All-nighters, Changing Majors, and Hanging Out51 Adjustment During the First Year Adjustment Issues52 Staying in Touch 52 Academic Adjustment 56 Academic Adjustment:The Replay 58 Roommates and Residence Hall Living 60 Stress and Pressure 63 Making the Transition from High School and Home 65 Finding a Social Niche 67 TheFreshman 10-Weight Issues 68 Greek Life 69 Time Management and Working on Campus 72 Sports/Athletics 74 Top Parent Concerns77 Staying Informed 77 Safety 78 Health 79 The Big Three:Drinking, Drugs, and Sex 82 Drinking 83 Drugs 85 Sexuality-Your Son 87 Sexuality-Your Daughter 89 Your Adjustment Issues91 Want to Know More?92
4. Is Your Child Confident, Confused, or Coasting?93 The Search for Identity and Autonomy Identity94 Appearance 94 Friends 96 Opposites Attract 98 Intimate Relationships 99 Career Choices and Majors 101 Confident, Confused, or Coasting 102 An Identity Formation Model 103 Values/Lifestyle 105 Values/Religion 106 Values/Politics 109 Values/Character Issues 112 Special Identity Issues for College Women113 Confused and Unsure 113 AChilly Climate for Women 115 Having It All 116 Identity Issues for Ethnic and Racial Minority Students119 Exploring Racial Identity 119 Finding Comfort in a Shared Background 122 Interracial Dating 123 Identity Issues for Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Students126 Coming Out/Your Son 126 Coming Out/Your Son:The Replay 127 Coming Out/Your Daughter 130 Autonomy132 Parents' Weekend 133 Big Trouble 135 How Parenting Styles Relate to the Search for Identity and Autonomy138 Want to Know More?141
5. Just When You Get Used to the Empty Nest, They're Back!143 Coping with Continuing Changes in the Family Your Family System143 The Empty Nest 144 The Lone Sibling 146 The Boomerang Effect 148 Single Parent 151 First Generation to Go to College 152 Other Family Changes154 A Family Move 154 Divorce 157 Death of a Grandparent 159 Religious Changes 161 Lifestyle Changes 163 Families That Resist Change165 The Inflexible Family 165 Want to Know More?169
6. What to Expect from the College/University170 Faculty Advising and Other Services for Students The Academic Experience171 Faculty Advising 171 Professors vs. Teaching Assistants 173 Academic Difficulty 175 Grade Reporting and Transcripts 177 Life Outside of the Classroom180 Social Adjustment 180 Psychological Services 183 Residence Hall Staff 185 Legal Trouble 186 Additional Programs and Services on Campus188 Dean's Office 188 Dean of Students' Office 189 Bursar's Office 189 Financial Aid 190 Campus Security and Police 190 Student Employment Office 191 Learning Skills Centers and Writing Workshops 191 Career Services 191 Campus Crisis Services 192 Equal Opportunity Office 192 Computer Support Services 192 Campus Religious Organizations 193 Minority Students' Programs 193 International Students' Office 193 Study Abroad Programs 193 Off-Campus Housing Office 194 Athletics 194 Student Activities 194 Parents' Programs 195 How You Can Get Involved195 Parents' Programs 195 Alumni Clubs 195 Educational and Campus Vacations 196 Athletic Events 196 Career Services 196 Want to Know More?197
7. One Thousand Dollars a Week for a College Education198 Dealing with Money Issues and Understanding the Value of a College Education Money Issues Beyond Tuition199 Renting an Apartment 200 Spring Break on a Credit Card 201 Fraternities, Sororities, and Social Clubs 203 Working Away from Home for the Summer 204 The Unpaid Summer Internship 206 Study Abroad 208 ACar onCampus-Luxury or Necessity? 210 Change in FamilyIncome 212 The Value of a College Education214 Living a Life and Earning a Living 214 Majoring in Underemployment 215 Want to Know More?218
8. So, YOUAlways Wanted to Be a Doctor219 Career Expectations, Academic Choices, and the Value of Practical Experience Your Expectations and Your Child's Choices219 How Majors Relate to Careers220 Changing from Engineering to Liberal Arts 221 The Importance of Practical Experience 225 Evolving Career Goals227 Choosing Teaching Instead of Premed 228 You Want Your Child to Be a Doctor or Lawyer 232 The Value of Internships233 Internships Can Help Focus Career Goals 233 Job Security236 The Aspiring Actress-Parent to Parent 236 What Is Job Security Today?-Parent to Parent 239 Want to Know More?241
9. When to Worry, When to Act242 Dealing with Problems and Crises and Knowing the Difference How Can You Know What's Going On?242 Normal Developmental Struggles243 Breaking Up 243 Stress 245 Serious Problems247 Depression 248 Manic Depression 252 Sexual Harassment 254 Eating Disorders 258 Illness 261 Loss and Grief 262 Other Problem Areas 264 Dealing with Crises264 Suicide 264 Rape 267 Alcohol Abuse 270 Drug Abuse 272 Violence/Crime 274 Pregnancy 276 How to Obtain Help from the College if There's a Problem or Crisis278 Want to Know More?280
10. If They Leave College, Will They Ever Get Back on Track?282 The Challenges and Benefits of Taking Time Off Being Asked to Leave283 Flunking Out 283 ALeave with a Silver Lining 286 Choosing to Leave288 Dropping Out 288 College Seems Meaningless 290 Transferring to Another College 292 Taking Time Off 293 Dropping Out for Good 295 Want to Know More?297
11. Understanding Your Child's Postgraduate Choices298 Graduate School or Job?
Graduate School-Now or Later?299 Fear of Job Hunting 300 Delaying the Decision 302 What Graduate Program Would Be Best? 304 Graduate Business School 306 Ph.D. in Science 308 Applying to Law School 310 Medical School 314 The First Job-and the Floundering Period-After College316 Clueless and Confused 316 Following Your Heart 319 Career Confident 321 Working Abroad 323 Your Son, the Banker 324 Making Sense of Getting That First Job-Parent to Parent 326 Life in the Big City After a Trip to Europe 329 The Uncertain Future-Parent to Parent 332 Want to Know More? 334 About the Authors 335
Read an Excerpt
Introduction
Congratulations! You have made it through eighteen years of parenting and your child is ready to embark on that great personal journey called the college years. You are not alone if you feel a mixture of excitement and dread as you send your child off to college. Few parents really know what to expect from the college years. At best, you may have a slim brochure from the school's admissions office telling you about the academic and social aspects of college life for your child. And you will certainly have heard from the office that collects tuition. But what about your adjustment to the changes about to take place?
As your child grew up, you had plenty of advice about child rearing from books, family members, and friends. You probably noticed that these resources dwindled as your child approached the teen years. Somehow talking about teens and their developmental issues is harder than talking about toilet training and the adjustment to nursery school. Why? Because the issues get scarier and your teenager's need to pull away from the family and create a separate identity can be both troubling and rewarding. You may be confused and even embarrassed by your child's behavior as he experiments with being an adult. This happens most dramatically during the college years.
Parents of our generation have been, and continue to be, more involved in our children's education and development than any generation in American history. We are the parents who took childbirth classes, debated the merits of nursery schools, arranged play dates, carpooled to soccer games, organized violin lessons, and took the grand college tour. We have consumed parenting "how to" books inrecord numbers. But, until now, there has not been a practical guide that offers concrete advice on how to manage the challenges and changes that accompany our children's college years.
What parent hasn't waited anxiously for a phone call from college and then not received one? What parent hasn't asked, "What is my role now that my child is away from home?" "Why does my child seem so independent one minute but confused and indecisive the next?" "How will I know if my child is in trouble and what should I do about it?" "Who is this person with a new tattoo and an attitude sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table?" "Why does she seem to reject all of the values we taught her?" "Will my child get a good job after college and have her own health insurance?" "What in the world will he do with a degree in art history?" And what parent hasn't questioned the cost of college and wondered if it was worth it?
Drawing on adolescent development theory and our years of experience with undergraduates and parents, we provide practical advice to parents on these and other questions. Through the use of dialogues and scenarios, this book demonstrates how parents can adjust their expectations to anticipate the inevitable transformation in the parent-child relationship. We encourage parents to adopt a mentor/advisor role, showing, through actual examples, how important it is to relinquish control and instead provide guidance and support. We also offer communication and problem-solving strategies that support the development of a healthy adult-to-adult relationship that will serve you well in the years to come.
Each of us has had more than two decades of experience working with college students and their parents at small liberal arts colleges, state schools, and some of America's most prestigious universities. Our insights result from focus group research with both parents and undergraduates, as well as from years of counseling and program development, including parent-orientation programs, parents weekends, and new student orientations.
Focus groups conducted in seven cities across the country with parents of college students revealed how eager they are for practical information and advice. Parents from Long Island to San Francisco had similar worries about their children's college experience-safety and health, adjustment issues, money concerns, sex and drugs, academic success, and career prospects. Most of all, they were confused about their new role in their children's lives. Our research highlighted the unique challenges that parents encounter as their children become legal adults, but far from independent. We also conducted focus groups with college juniors and found that parents continue to play a significant role in students' decision making, especially when those students were examining their values and beliefs, or facing critical life choices.
Students in Chrissie's course in adolescent development at Cornell University are required to write and analyze an autobiography of their adolescence. Reading more than one hundred autobiographies each year has given her an intimate view of the lives of today's college students. These autobiographies typically include candid descriptions of relationships, sex, drugs, families, emotional problems, and other personal matters.
As director of the Parents' Program at Cornell University, Helen surveyed more than twelve thousand parents from all parts of the country to determine their primary concerns and to find out what information they expected from the university. Helen also corresponded with more than six thousand parents in response to specific problems, and counseled more than two thousand parents by telephone and in person on a variety of issues.
This book will help you cope with the major issues that face parents of college students today. It will show you how to achieve a new relationship with your emerging adult child by understanding the developmental changes that will occur during the college years and by examining and managing the expectations you have for your child.
You have a fascinating job ahead as your child goes off to college. While you will always be your child's parent, the college years signal a change in that relationship-a change this book will help you to understand and even celebrate. You've done the hard work of raising a child capable of going to college and you deserve recognition, consideration, and support. We trust this book will encourage and sustain you during this change.
loading...