Table of Contents
Contents
Preface
Part I: Dining Fundamentals
Chapter 1 Words Used in Table Setting
Chapter 2 The Difference Between Formal and Informal Dining
Part II: Dinnerware
Chapter 3 From Pottery to Porcelain
Chapter 4 Decorative Methods and Styles
Chapter 5 The Different Categories of Dinnerware
Chapter 6 Plates: Piece by Piece
Chapter 7 Bowls: Large to Small
Chapter 8 Cups: One and All
Chapter 9 How to Lay Dinnerware
Chapter 10 The Interchange of Dinnerware
Chapter 11 Serveware: At the Table and in the Home
Chapter 12 How to Purchase Dinnerware
Chapter 13 The Care of Dinnerware
PART III: FLATWARE
Chapter 14 From Silver to Sterling
Chapter 15 Decorative Methods and Styles
Chapter 16 The Different Types of Metal Flatware
Chapter 17 The Knife
Chapter 18 The Spoon
Chapter 19 The Fork
Chapter 20 Serving Utensils
Chapter 21 How Flatware Is Laid on the Table
Chapter 22 The Way to Use Flatware
Chapter 23 The Interchange of Flatware and Serving Utensils
Chapter 24 How to Purchase Flatware
Chapter 25 The Care of Flatware
PART IV: STEMWARE
Chapter 26 From Glass to Crystal
Chapter 27 Decorative Methods and Styles
Chapter 28 The Different Categories of Glass
Chapter 29 Stemware: Shape and Purpose
Chapter 30 How to Place Stemware
Chapter 31 The Interchange of Stemware
Chapter 32 How to Purchase Stemware
Chapter 33 The Care of Glassware
PART V: TABLE LINENS
Chapter 34 Tablecloths, Placemats, and Table Runners
Chapter 35 Napkins
PART VI: SERVING TECHNIQUES
Chapter 36 Formal Dinner Service
Chapter 37 Informal DinnerService
Chapter 38 Dinner Service from a Buffet
Chapter 39 Service of Formal and Informal Luncheon
Chapter 40 Service of Afternoon Tea and High Tea
PART VII: DINING FINESSE
Chapter 41 The Protocol of Seating
Chapter 42 Giving Thanks and Making Toasts
PART VIII: MENU PLAN
Chapter 43 From Food to Cuisine
Chapter 44 Menu Primer
Chapter 45 From Vine to Viticulture
Chapter 46 The Rudiments of Wine
Chapter 47 From Tea Leaves to Teacups
Chapter 48 Choosing the Right Tea
Chapter 49 From Coffee Beans to Aromatic Brew
Chapter 50 The Basics of Coffee
PART IX: TABLE MANNERS
Chapter 51 How to Eat Specific Foods
Chapter 52 Table Manners
Chapter 53 Table Manners in a Changing World
Bibliography
Photography Credit
Index
Read an Excerpt
Chapter Fifty-two: Table Manners
There is much in a person's mode of eating.Ovid
Table manners in Europe date back to the eleventh century, to the days of chivalry and knights-errant. The knights, or chevaliers, were armed horsemen, "gallant, courageous and fair" — hence our word cavalry. In the thirteenth century, Frederick II inaugurated courtly manners, which emphasized intellect, wit, and beauty. Our word courtesy is a diminutive of "courtier's customs," while manners comes from the Latin manuarius, meaning "of the hand."
Bite not thy bread and lay it down,This is not curtesy to use in town:
But break as much as you will eat,
The remnant to the poor you shall leave.
The Boke of Curtesye, c. 1460
The fifteenth and sixteenth centuries gave birth to modern table manners. With the invention of movable type around 1440, books on social deportment based on consideration of others began to circulate. William Caxton, the first printer in England, published The Boke of Curtesye, around 1477, a tome that set forth the duties of knighthood and chivalrous conduct.
Renaissance women of the aristocracy played a more passive and decorative role than today, and it was gentlemen with leisure time who contemplated social deportment and wrote etiquette books. In 1528 Baldassare Castiglione, an Italian diplomat, penned Il Libro d'Oro, which was translated into English as The Courtier in 1561.
Children of the aristocracy learned table manners through menial service in noble households and from etiquette manuals. In the sixteenthcentury, Desiderius Erasmus, the Dutch humanist, writer, and professor of divinity at Cambridge, who believed in the education of youth, set forth the following guidelines for social deportment.
At table or at meat, let mirth be with thee, let ribaldrie be excised; sit not down until thou have washed, but let thy nails be prepared before, and no filth stick in them, lest thou be called sloven and a great nigard. Remember the common saying, and before make water, and if need require, ease thy belly, and if thou be gird too tight, to unloose thy girdle is wisdom, which to do at table is shame. When thou wipest thy hands put forth of thy mind all grief, for at the table it become mete not to be sad, not to make others sad.
And in the sixteenth century, rules of dining were formalized.
For rudnes it is thy pottage to sup,Or speake to any, his head in the cup.
They knife se be sharpe to cut fayre thy meate;
Thy mouth not to full when thou dost eate;
Not smackynge thy lyppes, As commonly do hogges,
Nor gnawynge the bones As it were dogges;
Suche rudenes abhorre, Suche beastlylnes flie,
At the table behave thy selfe manerly...
Pyke not thy teethe at the table syttnge;
Nor use at they meate Over muche spytynge;
This rudnes of youth Is to abhorde;
Thy selfe manerly Behave at the borde.
Francis Seager, Schoole of Vertue and Booke of Goode Nourture for Chyldren, 1557
Court etiquette was so elaborate in the seventeenth century that it bordered on the ridiculous. Aristocrats were given tickets of admission to court ceremonies with a code of conduct printed on the reverse side. Gradually, etiquette came to mean a mode of behavior, not only for the French court but in social situations everywhere.
Although etiquette in Europe and England was dictated by gentlemen of leisure, in the United States men were too busy laying the foundation of a new country and providing a living for their families. It fell to the women to teach social deportment and etiquette. The exception was a young George Washington, who at age 16 wrote Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation, a school exercise that included 110 rules based on a seventeenth-century book written by Francis Hawkins, Youths Behavior, or Decency in Conversation Amongst Men, itself based on a set of rules set forth by French Jesuits in the sixteenth century. The number one maxim that runs throughout Washington's book is consideration for others. This is the basis of modern table manners.
Nothing is as revealing about one's environment and social adjustment as table manners. A person with poor table manners usually has poor manners in other areas of life. Suffice it to say that manners must relate to one's lifestyle; otherwise they are mere affectations. Although every decade brings sweeping changes, the customs of the table prevail because they make sense and, once obtained, are never lost or taken from us. Let's start at the beginning of a meal, and work our way through to the end.
How Long to Hold Dinner for a Late Guest
Rather than delay dinner for everyone to accommodate the arrival of a late guest, dinner is held no longer than 15 to 20 minutes.
At a formal occasion, when a guest arrives late to a dinner or luncheon, a butler or maid answers the door (so as not to interrupt the table conversation), and the hostess remains seated. The latecomer goes to the hostess immediately, offers a brief explanation, and is served the course in progress. If the latecomer arrives during dessert, as a courtesy the hostess sees that a dinner plate is made up for him or her.
At an informal meal, the host answers the door and greets the latecomer, who makes a brief explanation to the hostess. When the latecomer is a gentleman, the other men at the table remain seated. But, if the latecomer is a lady, as a courtesy, all the gentlemen rise and the man on her left helps her into her seat.
Where to Put the Cocktail Glass When Dinner Is Announced
A cocktail glass is not brought to the dinner table because water and several wines are served with the multicourse meal. The extra glass crowds the place setting and disturbs the symmetry of the table. Moreover, the taste of grain-based spirits nullifies the flavor of wine served with the meal. Simply leave the cocktail glass in the room where cocktails are taken.
Entering the Dining Room
At a formal dinner generally the host escorts the lady of honor into the dining room first. The remaining guests enter the dining room in whatever order they choose. The hostess enters the dining room last, accompanied by the man of honor. There are a few exceptions to this custom.
- If the guest of honor is a high-ranking male dignitary, such as the president of a country, he enters the dining room first with the hostess. The host enters the dining room second with the dignitary's wife.
- When the guest of honor is a high-ranking female dignitary, such as the prime minister of a country, she enters the dining room first with the host. The dignitary's husband follows with the hostess.
- When there are more ladies than gentlemen at a formal dinner (a rare occurrence), the hostess enters the dining room alone.
At an informal dinner, the guests enter the dining room in whatever order is convenient. When seating arrangements are not designated by place cards, usually the hostess enters the dining room first to tell everyone where to sit.
Where to Sit Down
Place cards identify the places people are to sit; they are used to eliminate confusion when more than six people dine together. At formal affairs, which usually involve a large group, individual places are always designated by place cards. But an informal dinner is a less structured occasion; when place cards are not provided, the hostess tells the guests where to sit or asks them to find their own places (although this is not always a good practice because mixups can occur as guests try to seat themselves in alternate male-female positions).
When to Sit Down
At a formal meal the hostess is the last to enter the dining room, and the ladies sit down without waiting for her. At an informal meal, the ladies sit before or after the hostess is seated, whichever is convenient.
History accords the place of honor to the right side because most people are right-handed. A gentleman draws out the chair for the lady seated on his right, pushes her chair into place, and seats himself. The host seats the lady on his right. The hostess is helped by the gentleman seated on her left. To avoid congestion, it is easier if ladies approach their chairs from the right.
When all the women are seated, the men sit down.
Where to Lay One's Purse
Because a purse on the table crowds and disturbs the symmetry of the table setting, in a private residence it is left wherever the hostess suggests, such as in a bedroom or on a chair. In a restaurant or public place, to avoid having a purse stolen, it is held on the lap or placed close at hand on a banquette. For the brave at heart, it is laid on the floor by one's chair or hung from the back of the chair (if this does not inhibit service or tempt theft).
The Etiquette of the Napkin
At a seated meal, before unfolding the napkin, wait for the hostess to remove her napkin from the table and unfold it in her lap. The exception is at a meal served buffet-style: the napkin is unfolded when one starts to eat.
The napkin is unfolded in a smooth movement, not with a jerk, a snap, or a shake.
The size of the napkin is commensurate with the number of courses served, a dimension that affects how far it is unfolded in the lap. At a formal dinner, a large square napkin from approximately 22 to 26 inches is provided; this size covers the lap entirely, so the napkin is unfolded halfway. The weight of the fold prevents the napkin from slipping off the lap.
At a simple meal, fewer courses are served and a smaller napkin is used, approximately 18 inches square. The smaller napkin is unfolded entirely to fully cover the lap.
When messy finger food is served, such as shellfish or spareribs, before tucking the napkin under the chin or tying it around the neck, look to the host to see if he does the same.
Use the napkin to blot the lips, not to wipe the mouth.
When a napkin ring is provided, it placed at the top left of the cover, usually above the forks. At the end of the meal, the napkin is grasped in the center, pulled through the ring, and laid on the table so the point faces the center of the table.
A lady should refrain from replenishing lipstick before coming to the table in order to prevent an imprint of lipstick on the rim of a glass or a napkin.
To avoid leaving a soiled crumply napkin on the table for others to see, when you leave the table temporarily, place the napkin on the seat of the chair. If the chair seat is upholstered, to avoid staining the fabric, the napkin is laid soiled side up.
At the end of the meal the napkin is loosely folded. A refolded napkin suggests reuse and a crumpled napkin is unsightly. When a plate, such as a dessert plate, lies in the center of the place setting, on leaving the table lay the napkin to the left or right of the plate. But if the center of the cover is empty, the napkin is laid in the middle of the place setting. If after-dinner coffee is served at the table, the napkin remains in the lap.
When to Commence Eating
- At a small dinner party of eight people or less, wait for the hostess to begin.
- At a large party, where a course might cool before everyone is served, commence to eat after three or four guests are served. If the party is divided into smaller tables, as is common these days, wait until everyone at the table is served. The exception is a cold course: as a courtesy to others, commence to eat after everyone is served.
- At a banquet, where throngs of people are served, in the interest of enjoying the hot courses at the right temperature, eating commences as soon as those on either side are served.
- At a meal served buffet style, eating commences when one is ready.
The Etiquette of EatingEating should be done in silence,
lest the windpipe act before the gullet,
and life be endangered.
The Talmud, c. 200 a.d.
The essence of good table manners is unobtrusiveness, a courtesy that includes eating quietly. Noise impedes conversation. Scraping a plate or loudly chewing ice is unpleasant to listen to and considered impolite.
Do not bolt your food, for, as Sir Walter Raleigh observed,
Only men in ragsAnd gluttons old in sin
Mistake themselves for carpet bags
And tumble victuals in.
Savor the meal and eat slowly; it encourages conversation and conviviality.
Never speak with a full mouth. Not only is a full mouth offensive to see, it makes conversation difficult to hear. Before asking a question, wait until the guest is finished chewing, or almost finished. And don't smack your food in the mouth, the sound is offensive to hear.
How Much Food to Take on a Utensil
Because people dine with their eyes as well as their palate, to avoid the sight of bulging cheeks, never pile food high on a utensil. Take only enough food to chew and swallow in one easy bite. Moreover, it makes conversation easier.
How to Sip Beverages
To avoid leaving food on the rim of the vessel, make sure the mouth is free of food and blot the lips with a napkin before taking a sip of beverage.
Testing Hot Foods and LiquidsNever blow your soup if it is too hot, but wait until it cools.
C. B. Hartley, The Gentleman's Book of Etiquette, 1873
To test the temperature of a hot beverage, take a single sip from the side of the spoon. When the sip proves too hot, give the beverage time to cool before lifting the cup to the mouth. When an extremely hot beverage is sipped, take a quick sip of water to decrease the effect of the burn.
Do not blow on hot foods or beverages — you risk offending those seated across the table. At a family meal or a casual outdoor affair, a hot beverage is often cooled with an ice cube transferred from a water goblet, if available.
How to Remove Food from the Mouth
Food is removed from the mouth in the manner in which it is put into the mouth. Food put into the mouth with a utensil is removed with a utensil. When fingers are used to eat food, for example, plums or chicken wings, the pit or bone is removed with fingers. The exception is fish eaten with a fork: because tiny bones fall between fork tines, they are removed with fingers.
To remove spoiled food, cover the mouth with one hand, remove the morsel with the other hand, place it on the plate, and cover it with another portion of food (if possible). In a private residence, rather than embarrass the hostess by telling her that a particular dish contains foreign matter or is tainted, eat from the unspoiled portion. But if this is not possible, move the portion around on the plate so it looks as if you are eating, and leave the tainted part alone. In a restaurant, tell the server so he or she may make a replacement.
A toothpick is an offensive sight in operation. When food is caught between the teeth that is annoying or uncomfortable, wait to remove it privately.
Sneezing, Coughing, Burping, Yawning
When sneezing or coughing at the table is unavoidable, cover your nose or mouth with a napkin and proceed as quietly as possible. Except in an emergency, don't use a napkin to blow your nose. Use a handkerchief instead, and turn your head to the side.
When a burp is coming on, cover the mouth with a napkin, quietly burp, and softly say, "Excuse me." For an attack of hiccups, excuse yourself from the table until they have passed. Rather than draw attention to the condition on return (and interrupt conversation) do not apologize in a public way. Instead, say "Sorry" quietly to the hostess and let it go at that.
In some cultures the breath is associated with man's spirit. To prevent the soul from escaping or an evil spirit from entering the body, the mouth is covered when a yawn cannot be suppressed. This custom prevails in our society today.
How to Eat Finger Food
When finger food is taken from a tray, place it on the plate (to do otherwise defeats the purpose of the plate). Don't lick your fingers; use a napkin (that's what it's for).
When in doubt about whether to use fingers or a utensil to eat a particular food, watch those about you and proceed accordingly. If you're still in doubt, follow common sense and use a utensil, usually a fork, which is the most versatile implement.
Dunked food leaves crumbs on the rim of a cup or glass, and is frowned on at a private party or in a public place.
The Etiquette of Utensils
Food served on a plate is eaten with a fork, and food served in a bowl is taken with a spoon. When two eating utensils or two serving utensils are presented together, such as a fork and spoon, the fork is used to steady the portion, and the spoon to cut and convey the bite to the mouth.
At one time or another everyone uses the wrong utensil, and it is not a cause of concern. Rather, remedy the situation, quietly, without apology or calling attention to the error, and forget it!
To prevent an unpleasant sight for others, refrain from half-eating or half-sipping food, such as a bite of ice cream or soup. Once a bite is placed on an eating utensil, consume the bite entirely, or not at all.
Never gesticulate with an eating utensil in the hand. You risk stabbing a dinner partner or knocking over a goblet.
In formal dining the knife is used to push food against the fork. At informal meals, a knife or a piece of bread is used as a pusher, for example, to push salad onto a fork.
In a private residence, when a place setting is laid without a necessary utensil, such as a knife, tell the hostess so she may correct it. When a serving utensil is missing, rather than use one's eating utensil, inform the hostess so she may remedy the situation for the benefit of all the guests.
In a private residence, the table setting is a reflection of the hosts' ability; rather than embarrass the hostess by wiping a soiled utensil clean, suffer in silence. But a restaurant table setting is an impersonal expression that does not reflect on the host; if a soiled utensil is laid on the table, ask the waiter for a clean one.
At a formal affair when a utensil is dropped on the floor, leave it for the butler to retrieve — it is part of his job. He will make a replacement for you. At an informal meal, quietly retrieve a dropped utensil yourself, and if it may have caused stains or damage of any kind, offer to make a replacement or a repair.
Miscellaneous Manners
Do one thing at a time at the table. If you want to sip your wine, temporarily rest your fork or knife on the plate.
What to do if the table is improperly set. Don't rearrange an improperly arranged place setting and offend the hostess. In a restaurant, where an improperly set table does not reflect on the skills of the host, quietly rearrange the ware for comfort.
Where to place the hands when eating. To avoid creating an obstruction to your dinner partner, when holding a utensil, rest your other hand in your lap. When not holding any utensils, both hands remain in the lap.
Urges to resist. To create a relaxed ambience, resist the urge to fidget, rearrange the silverware, twist the linens, drum on the table, and play with salt and pepper shakers. For cleanliness, keep the hands away from the face and hair.
Posture. Good posture at the table means sitting straight with the back rested slightly against the back of the chair. To avoid spills, lean over the plate each time you take a bite. Never tip a chair backward; the position is hard on the back chair legs and disturbs the symmetry of the table setting. Avoid wrapping your feet around the legs of the chair. Refrain from leaning back and extending your legs under the table, putting your arm on the back of a dinner partner's chair, or looping your arm around the back of the chair. To do otherwise blocks service and obstructs others from the conversation.
Elbows and forearms off the table. To avoid crowding one's dinner partner, during a meal the elbows remain close to the body and off the table. To prevent a barrier to conversation, the forearm and hand are not wrapped around the plate. But between courses, in the interest of hearing conversation at a crowded or noisy table, the elbows are rested on the table so one may lean forward, or the wrist and forearm are placed on the edge of the table.
Reaching at the table. To keep from creating an obstruction for others, at the table reach only for ware close enough to grasp in one fluid motion. Otherwise, ask a guest to pass it to you.
Dealing with disagreeable food. When food that you don't like or can't eat is served, rather than make an issue and offend the hostess, take a small portion. Place the portion on the plate, dabble with it, and eat a small amount (or none at all). To compensate, take larger portions of other foods. For a severe allergy, say, "No, thank you" and after the meal, quietly explain to the hostess. At a buffet, take only the foods you like.
Spilled food. When a guest spills food at a formal affair, a butler takes the appropriate action. But at an informal meal, the diner quietly and quickly lifts the food with a utensil and places it on the side of his plate. However, if food is spilled on another guest, the diner apologizes and offers to pay for cleaning (but lets the other person wipe up the debris).
Removing different foods from a platter at one time. When a platter contains a combination of foods, such as meat, potatoes, vegetable, and garnish, take a moderate serving of each, including the garnish. However, if the removal of garnish will overly disturb the appearance of the platter, leave it. If a course is presented that contains another food underneath, such as toast or lettuce, take the entire portion.
How large a portion to take from a platter. When a platter of presliced food is presented, and each slice is an ample size, take one serving. But if the slices are small, and it looks as if there are enough servings for each guest to have two, take two for yourself. As a courtesy to the last guest, make sure to leave enough food on the platter so he or she has a choice from several portions.
Which portion to take from a platter. Rather than rummage through a platter and disturb the look of the presentation, take the portion nearest to you.
To refuse a beverage. Do not wave the hands about to refuse a beverage or cover up a glass or turn a cup upside down; simply say, "No thank you." To do otherwise disturbs the look of the table. When a guest refuses a glass of wine, see that he or she is given a glass of water.
Second helpings. At a formal affair a multicourse menu is served that precludes the need to offer second helpings. However, at an informal meal, the menu is simpler and second helpings are encouraged. If the hostess does not offer second helpings, do not ask for them. Instead, take a modest serving the first time and wait for the hostess to suggest more.
How many pieces of food to cut at one time. To avoid a messy plate, cut one bite at a time, and not more than two pieces.
Assisting with service at the table. At a formal affair domestic help is provided and guests do not assist with service, except to move the shoulders slightly to make service easier. At an informal meal, help generally is not provided and the guests assist with service by passing the dishes nearest to them. To avoid congestion, serveware is passed to the right and the guests do not delay service by helping themselves along the way (unless it is suggested that they do so).
Thanks for service. Each time service is provided at a multicourse meal, verbal acceptance is not necessary because it distracts from the conversation. Acceptance of the course is in itself thanks. But to refuse service, a verbal rejection of "No, thank you," is given. At a simple meal when a serving bowl is passed upon request, it is courteous for the receiver to say, "Thank you." It is not necessary for those who receive a dish in passage to say thank you.
Greeting a butler or a maid at the table. When a guest knows a maid or a butler, rather than draw attention to the fact and interrupt conversation, give a brief greeting, such as "Nice to see you."
Complimenting the hostess on the food. In the early twentieth century, even modest homes had help. Meals were prepared by a cook and it was impolite to compliment the hostess on the cuisine because it was inappropriate. Today, few people have help, hostesses delight in food preparation, and a compliment on the cuisine is appreciated. However, there are those who still hold that the conversation is more important than the food and a compliment on the menu or a particular course distracts from the discourse and is inappropriate at a party. The decision, therefore, is individual.
Turning the table. Years ago at a formal affair, it was customary for the hostess to begin conversation at the table with the guest seated on her right. The guests followed suit, and in this way, no one was omitted from conversation. Halfway through the meal, the hostess directed her conversation to the guest seated on her left, and the guests did the same, a custom known as turning the table. Today, the dinner table is no longer deliberately "turned," and a courteous guest makes sure he or she talks with the partners on both right and left sides.
How many people does one converse with at the table? A formal table is laid with several candelabra and multiple tall centerpieces that block cross-table visibility and make conversation with those seated on the opposite side difficult. For ease of conversation at a formal affair, guests converse with their dinner partners and chat only briefly with those seated several places away (so the person in the middle does not have to lean backward). But at an informal meal, because fewer courses are served and the table setting is simpler, cross-table visibility is not blocked and group conversation is encouraged.
Smoking at the table. A lighted cigarette is never taken to the table. Smoking is offensive to nonsmokers and dulls the palate. A table laid without ashtrays indicates that the hostess does not wish her guests to smoke. But if ashtrays are provided, before proceeding to smoke and as a courtesy to others, ask the hostess for permission. Because some people are allergic to smoke, wait until the table is cleared for dessert or hold off until dessert is finished. Never use a dessert plate or a saucer as an ashtray.
Who clears the plates? At a formal affair, plates are removed by a professional staff. But as most informal meals are served without help, the hostess clears the plates, often with the help of a guest or two. At a family meal, members clear their own plates.
Leaving the dining room. To signal dinner is concluded, the hostess catches the eye of the host, lays her napkin on the table, and suggests that everyone go into another room for coffee and after-dinner drinks. The hostess rises from her chair. The gentlemen help the ladies to their right and the guests leave the dining room in whatever order they wish. The host leaves last.
When to depart a dinner party. "With the bread eaten, up breaks the company," says Cervantes in Don Quixote. But such a speedy departure would not be polite. At a formal affair, guests do not depart until the honoree has left (unless they have told the hostess in advance that they must do so). Because entertainment and socializing follow a formal dinner, it is courteous to remain for at least an hour.
At an informal party, out of consideration for the hosts who have worked hard to make the occasion possible, it is polite to remain for approximately an hour. However, guests may depart within the hour and in whatever order they choose.
Saying good-bye. When it's time to leave, rather than detain one's host with a lengthy good-bye, make the departure brief but cordial.
Copyright © 2000 by Suzanne von Drachenfels
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