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One Bite Stand
By Nina Bangs Dorchester Publishing
Copyright © 2008 Nina Bangs
All right reserved. ISBN: 978-0-8439-5954-3
Chapter One
Memo: to all harpies Subject: dress code The Depraved Fashionistas Department must approve all harpy clothes. Choose a wardrobe that complements your grotesque harpy image and wear it with pride. Refer to the Harpy Handbook, section four, page sixteen, if you are unsure whether your clothing meets company standards. Punishment for noncompliance will include one year of wearing a zombie's castoffs. You will then realize that, yes, it can get worse. Remember, you are the public face of Tartarus. HADES THE BENEVOLENT
"Forget Hades's memo and tell me why I feel this way, Kal." Daria stood at the window folding and unfolding her hands.
Her brother looked up from his laptop. "Explain."
"I'm sweating. I never sweat. My heart's pounding. I'm breathing hard. And I have this pressure in my stomach." She swung to face her twin. "What's happening to me?"
"Either an unexpected birth or you're going to throw up." His lips tilted into a smile. "Relax, sis, this isn't worth a panic attack. It's just a job."
"It's a job I have to keep. Too much depends on it." Kal didn't understand. Harpies didn't get callbacks. It just never happened. Job interviews always ended badly. Usually with the interviewer doing lots of screaming before taking a header out of a tenth-story window.
"What if he takes one look at me and decides I'm too much of a bad thing?" Was that fair treatment? Uh, no. Sure, harpies had a rep for stalking the unsuspecting, who quickly became the unwilling when said harpies dragged their uncooperative butts off to Tartarus. But still, the corporate world needed to develop a little flexibility in its hiring practices.
"He'll love you." Kal wore his humoring-my-sister expression.
Still, knowing how rare this chance was, Daria wasn't about to mess up. "I can't believe this Ganymede guy hired me. It's too perfect. I get to be mean and ugly and someone pays me for it." She frowned at her twin. "What's the catch? Why me?"
Her brother shrugged. "The gargoyles were on strike?"
She pulled on her boots as she thought over the situation. "No, really, what were the chances of this job coming along just when I needed it?"
Kal paced restlessly. "No big deal. Aunt Ocypete stayed here last year. She met this Ganymede. One look and I bet he knew she could whip an army of Viking berserkers into shape. Why do you think Rome fell? Aunt Ocypete was leading the barbarian hordes."
"And?" She walked to the mirror and studied her image. Did her boots and dress work together?
"So when he needed someone tough to manage the Woo Woo Inn, he called her for a recommendation." Kal paused in his pacing. "Who the hell names a guesthouse the Woo Woo Inn? Come to think of it, she never did tell us what happened here last year."
Daria didn't really care what had happened. She had the job. Now she had to make it work. She leaned forward to get a closer view of her face. "Omigod, look at my face. I can't go down to my first night on the job looking like this." She could see her title of Harpy Hopeful turning to Harpy Hopeless real fast.
"You look fine."
"Uh, fine is not fine. My employer specified mean and gruesome."
"He didn't use the word gruesome."
She ignored him. "To pass the harpy test, I have to be a vicious, cruel, violent, and butt-ugly being that is half woman and half giant vulture. I'm required to snatch victims and carry them off to Tartarus. I can take human form while in pursuit of clueless prey. I memorized that from the Harpy Handbook. If I'm not gruesome enough, I'll get marked down. I need a more grotesque, more wickedly depraved, more heartless bitch image. Pull some of those out of your mysterious box of amazing makeovers."
"Calm down, sis."
She sighed and let some of the air out of her frenzy. "I'm sorry. It's just that Mom is looking forward to me joining her. It's the start of a family tradition. I can't blow it."
Her brother threw her a sharp glance. "Why all the insecurity?"
How could she explain it to him, all the years of not being good enough in the eyes of the other harpies? No one had bothered him because he wasn't expected to join Mom. Not his fault, but the truth.
"I was never on the fast track to success. You know, the other kids teased me a lot, especially Eris. Never ugly enough, never nasty enough."
"Why the hell didn't you ever tell me about that? I would've made sure she left you alone."
His anger on her behalf was real and it warmed her. "Harpies have to learn to defend themselves. Besides, I eventually took care of the problem." She smiled at the memory.
Kal wasn't happy with her answer, but he couldn't argue with it, so he headed for the door. "I did what I could with your face, but you don't want to scare the crap out of the guests. You can't afford to get fired." He still looked ticked. "Besides, your bone structure doesn't lend itself to grotesque. Look, I knocked myself out on your total image, so appreciate it and stop whining."
"Maybe braces would-"
"No."
"Um, how about if my ears stuck-"
"No."
"You could have hairs growing out of my nose and-"
Kal exhaled deeply, a sure sign of fast-fading patience. "This Ganymede person who hired you doesn't want a troll welcoming guests. We're here to find someone you can snatch and take back to the underworld. Keep your eye on the goal, and forget about everything else."
Daria ratcheted down her glower a few notches. "I guess so." She chanced another glance in the mirror. Pale face, colorless lips, and black eyeliner that made her look like a frightened raccoon. Coarse red, blue, and purple hair that fell almost to her butt. A few interesting piercings, and some dynamite tattoos. It would have to do for now. And Kal was right. She needed to keep her job as night manager at the Woo Woo Inn until she passed her test.
She trailed him out the door and walked down the stairs with him. "You know, if you'd tell me how you make your magic, it'd save us tons of time. While I was turning myself into Lady Loathsome, you could be scoping out our victim." They'd had this argument before. She always lost.
"Not going to happen, sis. I'm the only one who can do what I do. A little gift Mom gave me to make me feel okay about never getting a shot at being a card-carrying harpy. Guys don't qualify. Sexism. Gotta love it." His smile was a bitter twist of his lips.
Daria immediately felt guilty. Not a positive harpy character trait. She'd have to nurture her inner bitch. But not with Kal.
She caught a glimpse of them both as they passed a hallway mirror. Fine, so mirrors were an obsession. Daria never met a mirror she didn't embrace. A weakness. She felt compelled to check out every one. Maybe this time she'd be ugly enough, horrific enough to live up to her mother's standard. But it never happened. Probably never would. One peek at Mom and humans had nightmares for weeks. Now, that was greatness.
She pushed the mirror from her mind and concentrated on cheering Kal up. "Your talent is totally unique, Kal. Have I told you lately what a genius you are?"
He was six-feet-plus of toned muscle. Kal didn't try to hide that. He'd saved his magic for his face. It was scarred, blotchy, puffy, and made her want to look away. And it was all fake. Kal's real face was gorgeous enough to make women do astonishingly stupid things.
He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. Amazing eyes, really, if people could get past his repulsive face. Violet like Dad's eyes. Kal hated them.
"No crooked teeth tonight?" She felt bad for Kal. At least she was the right sex. Too bad neither of them had the genes to conform to the official harpy look. Without Kal's magic, she couldn't begin to compete with the harpy candidates who were naturally hideous.
"I won't be smiling so I don't much care what my teeth look like." He guided her toward the registration desk. "As of right now, you're the official night manager of the Woo Woo Inn."
She couldn't help the queasy feeling. This job would decide her place, if any, in the harpy hierarchy. Smoothing her dress, Daria stopped at the desk. Taking a deep breath, she smiled at the woman staring at her with wide-eyed horror. Good. First impressions were important.
"Hi, I'm Daria Abarr, and this is my brother, Kal. I spoke with a Mr. Ganymede on the phone. He hired me as his new night manager. I'm supposed to start tonight."
The woman continued to stare.
Uneasy, Daria slid her gaze to the chubby gray cat crouched on top of the desk and the brown dog sitting on the floor beside it. The dog offered her a happy tongue-lolling grin. Well, at least someone was glad to see her.
The woman finally blinked, and then she glared at the cat. "Explain."
Daria glanced at Kal. He shrugged. There was something off about the woman and two animals. She could ID most nonhumans, but this little group confused her.
The cat stood, stretched, and yawned. "I couldn't take a whole summer of you bitching and moaning about having no one to practice on. You needed a challenge, babe, so here she is." He speared the woman with a hard gaze. "And no, I won't do the talking-in-people's-minds shit. It's demeaning."
Daria frowned. A shifter, maybe? But she wasn't getting shifter vibes from the cat. What about the dog? Was he ... Whoa. She was a challenge? What did that mean?
Before Daria could ask, the dog stood and whined at the woman. "Can I go outside? Can I, can I? I bet all the bunnies are out. Can I chase them? Can I, can I?" His tail wagged his whole furry behind.
"Now look what you did, Mede. Trouble thinks he can talk out loud too. Fine role model you are." The woman narrowed her eyes to amber slits of fury. She spared a glance for Daria. "Would you excuse us for a minute?"
Daria and Kal nodded. They moved far enough away to be out of normal earshot. But harpies had excellent hearing. Was that Daria's fault? Of course not. She listened.
"You hired a harpy? I don't believe you, Mede. I was supposed to do the hiring. What will Cindy and Thrain say when they get back? My God, she looks like an American Idol reject."
Kal winked at Daria. "See, someone complimented you already."
Mede offered the woman a cat shrug. "You'll find out in a few weeks. Hope they have great sex in Paris. It'll put them in a good mood. Besides, we have more important things to worry about than our new night manager. Declan checked in tonight."
The woman didn't lose her mad, but at least she seemed diverted for the moment. "Can anything else go wrong?" Her expression said no.
The dog was now bouncing up and down, ears and tongue flapping in the breeze. "I smell bunnies out there. Bunnies, bunnies, big fat bunnies!"
The cat padded toward the screen door. "I'll take the kid outside for a run."
The woman looked so angry, Daria expected her red hair to go up in flames. "Don't you dare try to escape. You hired her. I wanted a nice normal human for the job."
The dog nosed the screen open and charged into the night. His barks faded into the distance.
The cat paused at the door. "You scared the last 'nice normal human' away. That's why I hired the harpy. Deal with her." And then he was gone.
The cat had hired her? Mede must be short for Ganymede. Wait. Scared a human away? What was that about? Uh-oh, complications on her personal horizon. When Aunt Ocypete had picked this place for her test, all she'd said was it might present a few difficulties. She'd never elaborated.
Daria hadn't expected to meet three nonhumans. And they knew what she was. She'd have to lull them with her friendliness and bubbly personality before trying to fly off with one of the guests. This was tough stuff. She needed a primer. Reminder to self, order Bubbly for Dummies from Amazon.
The woman walked, no, swayed over to Kal and her. If Daria had wanted to project sexy-which she didn't-she would've asked this lady to lay a few lessons on her. It wasn't just the woman's walk, it was her total package. Oozing sexual invitation from every pore, she was a predator dressed for the hunt. A really short black skirt, clingy barely there top, and killer stilettos made for a more potent package than a pheromone cloud.
Of course, Daria didn't care, because she'd never met a male who could tempt her away from her primary goal of making it to the top.
The woman stopped in front of them and smiled. Sure, the smile was insincere, but even an insincere smile from her would bring most men to their knees. Daria glanced at Kal. Her brother was scowling at the woman. Yay, Kal.
The woman invaded Kal's personal space and gazed up at him from those strange amber eyes. "Hi, I'm Sparkle Stardust. You've got a body women would love to touch." She demonstrated by smoothing her fingers over his bare arm. "Too bad about your face." She tilted her head to stare at him from a different angle. "Is it real, or are you playing with smoke and mirrors?" Sliding her fingers along his jaw, she offered him a smile that didn't even pretend to be innocent. "So, what is Kal short for?"
The only hint that Sparkle might be getting to her brother was a tic in his left eye. Amazing she'd had even that much effect. Kal was the king of calm, icy self-control.
"Kallias. And my face is what you see. Accept it, because it won't be changing any time soon." He kept his gaze trained on Sparkle's eyes, refusing to let it drop to her scooped top.
Good thing. Sparkle's scoop was definitely a double dip. That path would lead to madness for any man dumb enough to look down. Daria jumped in to distract Sparkle from her brother. "So, what do I do first?" She tried on a perky grin. Was she doing it right? Harpies weren't known for their perky anything.
"What you do first is explain why a harpy wants to be the night manager of an inn that caters to guests interested in the paranormal." Sparkle rolled her eyes in mock thought. "Wait. Could it be you hope to carry off one of our guests in your sharp little talons? I understand you get brownie points if you snag someone powerful. Think your chances are good here?"
Sparkle paused to change conversational directions. "By the way, the whole concept of half woman, half vulture is really gross." She leaned closer. "You have good bone structure, though. I can work with that."
Uh-oh. Daria didn't want anyone but Kal messing with her face. She felt the first stirrings of panic. Sparkle's eyes gleamed with the fervor of the total zealot. Daria needed to guide her back to the main topic. "Nope, wouldn't even think about carrying off any guests. Kal and I just wanted a break from the same old, same old." She gulped back a nervous laugh. "I was kind of surprised you recognized us. What are you guys?"
Sparkle studied her long, bloodred, perfect nails. "Mede, Trouble, and I are cosmic troublemakers. We're ancient beings with unspeakable powers. We wreak havoc on the universe whenever we have a spare moment. And if you try to grab one of our guests, I'll rip your wings off." She never lifted her gaze from her nails.
Forget friendly and bubbly. Harpies had the wicked-temper thing nailed down. Daria didn't take threats from anyone. She speared Sparkle with a stare that had a lot of Mom in it. "If you catch me in harpy form, we'll see who tears what off."
The corners of Kal's lips turned up in silent approval.
Sparkle finally looked up from her nails. For a moment, Daria wondered if she'd blown her job before she'd even started. Then Sparkle smiled, and Daria heard Kal suck in his breath. Sparkle would never be a harpy contender.
"I like you, Daria. You've got attitude. In fact, I'm going to make you into someone the Woo Woo Inn can be proud of."
Daria growled low in her throat. "You will not mess with my face."
"That'll come later." Sparkle's gaze grew thoughtful. "The Goth gear has to go. No representative of the inn can run around in a black, pixie-hem dress with rabbit fur trim and six-inch split-heel platform boots accented with rubber spikes and silver studs." She closed her eyes. "Give me a minute for the nausea to pass."
"Rabbit fur?" The male voice was deep and definitely menacing.
Sparkle's eyes popped open at the same time Daria and Kal turned to the man who'd walked up behind them.
Good grief, he was a walking, talking mountain. He had to be at least six feet five inches of bulging muscle and in-your-face aggression. Light reflected off his shiny bald head and the diamond stud in his ear.
Daria glanced down at the hem of her dress. Rabbit fur? Who knew? "Um, I guess so."
From his angry huff, that wasn't the right answer. Luckily, Sparkle stepped in to head off violence. "Hey, Mel. Good to see you back again this year. Don't sweat the rabbit fur. We'll get rid of that right now."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from One Bite Stand by Nina Bangs Copyright © 2008 by Nina Bangs. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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