Why Don't We Listen Better?: Communicating and Connecting Relationships by James C. Petersen James C.

Dedication     v
Options in Communicating     1
Communication Became Important to Me     3
I learned some of this early     5
Listening deeper     6
What's ahead in the book?     7
To get the most out of the book     8
The Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions     10
Stomach functions     11
Heart functions     12
Head functions     12
Directing our emotions     12
Does thinking affect our feelings?     13
Rationalizing stirs our disconnections     14
How it's all supposed to work     15
Where do stomach, heart, and head talk fit?     16
Communication - Connecting & Disconnecting     18
Two levels of communication     18
When we don't hear each other     20
When you want a listener and get a pool-grabber     21
Being heard     22
The Flat-Brain Syndrome     23
Stomachs overload     23
Hearts turn bricklike     25
And brains go flat     25
Hearing is skewed     27
Seeing is distorted     28
And the mouth works overtime     29
True and not true     30
Four goals to counter the flat-brain syndrome     30
Reduce emotional disturbance     31
Clarify thinking     31
Increase self-confidence     31
Build a supportive friendship     31
The Flat-Brain Tango     33
A courtroom culture     35
Courtroom or collaboration?     36
Opting Out of the Flat-Brain Syndrome     38
Victors or friends?     38
The need to win     39
Handling a "thud"     40
Do I deserve a shot?     41
Changing communication habits     41
The Double-Reverse-Twist     42
Reflecting head, stomach, and heart talk     44
Let's dance to a new song     44
The Talker-Listener Process     47
Going Beyond the Tango     49
Taking Turns Seems Simple     50
One fish story at a time     52
Good listeners improve our stories     53
Teeth marks in the tongue     54
End arguing as we know it     54
The Talker-Listener Card     55
The TLC as intervention     56
We all forget     57
Getting ready to use the TLC     57
Observing pays dividends     58
Telephone practice     60
A coffee house experiment     60
Try the TLC with a "safe" friend     62
Can you use the TLC with yourself?     63
Some people can't listen     63
TLC - Who Talks First?     65
Talker - I'm most bothered     65
If neither of you can listen...what then?     66
Listener - I'm calm enough to hear     67
Thud means listen     68
Don't let a question mask what someone needs to say     68
Does the TLC help when only one person uses it?     69
TLC - Who Owns the Problem?     70
Talker - I own the problem     70
Bouncing pronouns     70
The issue is deeper than pronouns     72
There are exceptions     73
The four-alarm issue in problem ownership     73
Listener - I don't own the problem     75
TLC - What Does the Talker Do?     76
First Talker Goal - To share my feelings     77
Stomach talk     77
Watch out for the dreaded "I feel that..."     78
Sharing feelings is risky, but worth it     79
Second Talker Goal - To share my thoughts     80
Head talk     80
Compliments     81
Sharing thinking is risky too     82
Third Talker Goal - My     82
Ownership     83
Openness     83
Heart talk     84
The EHJs of balanced communication     85
TLC - Talk Without     89
Talker - Without accusing, attacking, labeling, or judging     89
Using the finger method     90
The finger method with heat     90
TLC - What Does the Listener Do?     92
Two heads better than one?     92
First Listener Goal - To provide safety     93
Serious safety in a world of alligators     94
Second Listener Goal - To understand     95
Non-judgmental listening     96
Listening: dangerous to our opinions     97
Third Listener Goal - To clarify     98
Will listening change anyone?     99
Sometimes listening doesn't work     100
Listening into people's lives     101
TLC - Listen Without     102
Listen - Without agreeing     102
Useful agreement     103
Agreement, a substitute for friendship?      104
Listen - Without disagreeing     104
Listen - Without advising     105
Do quick answers pay off?     106
When asked a question, ask a question     106
When you do give advice     107
Listen - Without defending     107
Defending equals attacking     108
When to Turn the Card     109
In simple conversations: A loop     109
If the conversation is complex: Longer     110
With people who talk all the time     111
The Listening Techniques     113
A Few Communicating Traps     115
Ritual listening     115
Perry Masons     116
"Why?"     118
"Not?"     119
"I understand"     120
"Yes, but..."     121
When "Yes, but..." helps     122
What if a talker or listener uses a trap on us?     122
When Trying New Skills     124
Basic Listening Techniques     126
Note the odd punctuation mark (...?)     127
Acknowledge     127
Repeat Accurately     128
When at a listening loss     130
Use Para-Feeling     130
Whose feelings are they?     131
Use Para-Thinking     132
To clarify thinking is a process     133
Alternate Feelings and Thoughts     133
Use Both Hands     135
Number Feelings     136
Special case: Guys and their feelings     136
Low-level feelings     137
Play Detective     138
Life-planning     139
Use questioning carefully     139
Guess     140
Interrupt     141
Own Your Own Feelings     142
"How's school?" "Fine."     143
Decode     144
No one knows what anyone really said?     146
Meet Intensity     147
Admit Ignorance     148
Hem and Haw     149
Hemming and hawing after school     149
Match Pace     150
Allow Space     151
Ring the Pebble     152
Lead the Witness     153
Parental responsibility     154
Explore the Future     156
Special Circumstances Listening Techniques     157
Old Folks and "Boring" Stories     157
Problems or Predicaments?     159
Fear Barriers      160
Tears     162
After a Death     164
The six-and-a-half-week rule     165
If people don't really want to talk about it     165
Religious issues at death     165
Rigidity     167
Expectations and Anger     169
Persistent Anger and Bullfighters     171
Asking for Help     172
What About the Heaviest Listening Situations?     175
Suicide Hints     176
First a disclaimer     176
Using the TLC in Groups     181
The Listening Game (At Mealtimes)     183
The rules of engagement     184
One family's example     185
The TLC with game rules can help a family crisis     187
Guiding Difficult Group Discussions     190
Moderating Two-Party Conversations     195
Making Decisions Together     203
Sharing     203
Negotiating     205
Closing     205
Concluding Philosophy     207
Beyond Skill     209
What does it take?     209
Empathy     210
Genuineness     211
Warmth     211
Therapeutic or thera-noxious?     212
Acknowledgements     215
About Jim Petersen     219
Appendix     221
The Flat-Brain Slump     221
Additional book order information     223
Talker-Listener Cards and order information     225