Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine

From the Publisher

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

In the perennial favorite Boundaries, Anne Katherine introduced the concept and importance of personal limits. In Where to Draw the Line, she takes the next step with a practical guide to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in a wide range of situations.

With every encounter, we either demonstrate that we'll protect what we value or that we'll give ourselves away. Healthy boundaries preserve our integrity. Unlike defenses, which isolate us from our true selves and from those we love, boundaries filter out harm.

This book provides the tools and insights needed to create boundaries so that we can allow time and energy for the things that matter — and helps break down limiting defenses that stunt personal growth. Focusing on every facet of daily life — from friendships and sexual relationships to dress and appearance to money, food, and psychotherapy — Katherine presents case studies highlighting the ways in which individuals violate their own boundaries or let other people breach them. Using real-life examples, from self-sacrificing mothers to obsessive neat freaks, she offers specific advice on making choices that balance one's own needs with the needs of others.

Boundaries are the unseen structures that support healthy, productive lives. Where to Draw the Line shows readers how to strengthen them and hold them in place every day.

Library Journal

The premise here is that people all have many demands on their time and that by setting boundaries they may protect their time and energy for the things that matter most. Being in complete agreement with this idea, the first thing this reviewer should say is that she doesn't have the time to read a whole book about setting boundaries. Although important, this topic could have been adequately covered as a couple of chapters in a larger book on life management. Mental health counselor Katherine (Boundaries) discusses setting boundaries with friends, relatives, lovers, and exes. Other reasonable topics include anger, intimacy, sex, and divorce. Among the more frivolous chapters are those covering tidiness, food, Internet, and therapist boundaries. The author does give helpful examples of each type of boundary, with advice on where to draw the line. The topics seem so specialized, though, that audience appeal is limited. Purchase is warranted only for extensive self-help collections.--Kathy Ingels Helmond, Indianapolis-Marion Cty. P.L. Copyright 2000 Cahners Business Information.\

Product Details

• Table of Contents
• Read an Excerpt

Table of Contents

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 1: What Are Boundaries?

Pause a moment. Stand on the earth and sense the spiral of your life. You have not come to this place by chance. All your choices have brought you here.

You created this life by the people you let in and the people you shut out, by giving your time to the quests that matter and by letting hours trickle toward lesser goals, through the pursuits to which you gave your energy, by the pressures to which you gave heed.

Every decision you've ever made, step by step, brought you to this pass. In short, your boundaries — or your defenses — created a corridor through which your life moved.

What is a boundary? A boundary is a limit that promotes integrity. At the most elemental level, your skin marks your physical limits. If it is ripped, the integrity of your body is threatened. Your cells hold their shape because a membrane contains them. Your nerves are sheathed. Your brain is protected by blood and bone.

Thousands of other boundaries might also be yours, protecting every treasured aspect of your life — your relationships, your time, your home, the way you do things, your children, your priorities, your health, and your money. These boundaries are unseen, held in place by your decisions and actions.

A boundary is a limit. By the limits you set, you protect the integrity of your day, your energy and spirit, the health of your relationships, the pursuits of your heart. Each day is shaped by your choices. When you violate your own boundaries or let another violate them, stuffing spills out of your life.

A boundary is like a membrane that keeps an organism intact. It lets positive things through. It keeps harmful thingsout. In this way it operates quite differently from a defense, which indiscriminately keeps things out.

Boundaries provide a clear moral compass. They keep us on track. They protect the important, tender parts of ourselves.

Look at the parts of your life that work, that have integrity. This wholeness comes from the limits you have set to protect them.

Any part of your life that is not working can be improved by boundaries. Whether the organism is you, your body, your health, a friendship, your marriage, your work, or your energy, its integrity can be strengthened by boundaries.

This book is a boundary handbook. It can help you discover the walls that are missing as well as rules or customs that confine you to one place, preventing you from occupying the wider spaces. It will also expose defenses that you may have erected in place of healthy boundaries — defenses that may do a lot of harm to you and your relationships.

We all make constant decisions about how to use this minute and that minute, whether to say yes or no to that request, whether to respond to a friend's need or rest a bit. It's the little decisions that can use up our lives, that can either support or sabotage our larger mission.

This book is about how to handle the daily demands of life in a way that protects your time and energy for the things that matter. It can help you to be clearer about what to include and what to leave out, so that you can fill the spaces of your life with the people, activities, and pursuits that are truly yours.

You are the only one who can change your life.

Copyright © 2000 by Anne Katherine, M.A.

From Chapter 13: How to Create Successful Holidays

Before the Holiday

• Talk about the holiday in advance. Each person take a turn describing how they'd like the holiday to be. Talk about activities, food, timing, costs, whom to include, the order of events, preparation, and how to divide responsibilities.
• Make sure each of you has a clear picture of what the other people want.
• If past holidays have had glitches, set your boundary for what is acceptable to you and what isn't. For example, "I need to start serving dinner on time. If you're not here by seven, we'll start without you, and you can join us as soon as you can."
• Look for ways to include the most important elements for each person.
• Be clear about what you are committing to and what you are not. Be sure you have a similar clear commitment from the other person.

After the Holiday

• If your boundaries were disregarded, calmly and honestly discuss how and why this happened.
• If the other person made a genuine mistake, set your boundary again clearly and directly. If you made a mistake, own up to it, apologize, and make appropriate amends, if necessary.
• If the other person is unwilling or unable to adapt, or seems to be playing games with you, decide how you will do the next holiday with greater protection for your boundaries. You may have to celebrate separately in order to preserve the spirit of the holiday for yourself.
• Allow the relationship to have a learning curve. Cut some slack if the holiday wasn't perfect, but the other person made an effort. Express your appreciation for their flexibility and willingness to adapt.
• Learn from any misunderstandings.
• Repeat the negotiation process several weeks before the next holiday.

Weddings

The most important people at a wedding ceremony are the two people about to plight their troth. Regardless of family tradition, social standing, or social obligations to distant people, it's the couple's inauguration to their own marriage.

Of course, choices may be limited by financial restrictions — and it is important not to put yourself into financial difficulty for the sake of your own or someone else's wedding — but once financial limits are respected, remember that it's the substance, not the form, that matters most.

If your daughter wants to be married in a cowboy outfit, why not? You had your chance. It's her turn now. If the nuptial couple doesn't want to serve alcohol at the reception, don't bring alcohol to the event. If they don't want any gifts made from animal products, check labels before buying.

Control issues around weddings may be arising from the difficulty of taking in that this younger generation is embarking on adult life. Let go. Be graceful. Cry on your spouse's shoulder. The bride and groom are picking up their own reins. Let them.

Birthdays

The birthday person gets to set the boundaries for his own celebration. Pay attention to hints about gifts. Some families make a little hint basket for each member, in which they can drop pictures or ads or want lists throughout the year.

Respect preferences. Even though you'd be thrilled if every friend since kindergarten showed up for your fortieth birthday bash, your spouse might just grin and bear such a shindig. Surprises can be fun and a sign of your love, but keep them within the comfort limits of the person being surprised.

Know your person. Jim would love a roast. Tim would be embarrassed. Slim would feel exposed. Ken would be insulted. If in doubt, ask.

Valentine's Day

Although this holiday is for both lovers for the most part, women especially set a lot of store by Valentine's Day. This is not the time to get gruff and stand on your principles if your woman wants to be treated like a princess for one evening.

Think of it this way. You will get a lot of points for putting yourself out for this one holiday. For the twenty minutes it takes to make a reservation, order flowers, pick out a card, and tell her you have a surprise and she'll need to dress up a little, you will get credits for days. If you draw a blank about how to treat her like a princess, ask any woman.

A satisfactory Valentine's Day strengthens the integrity of an intimate relationship, while an unwillingness to consider a spouse's need to receive special treatment now and then can be a violation that stretches the fabric of the relationship.

But It's Thanksgiving!

No occasion or holiday is reason enough for you to subject yourself to abuse. I can't count the times I've heard a client say, "Well, of course, I have to go spend the week with:

• my sexually inappropriate father
• critical mother
• drunken stepfather
• disregarding sister

After all, it's:

• Christmas
• Thanksgiving
• Mother's Day
• Leap Year
• The Anniversary of Manned Flight

Why should you spend your holiday being treated badly? For the sake of the someone else's holiday, is it okay for you to be disregarded, criticized, humiliated, sexually harassed, or exposed to the boring inanities of a drunk?

No! If you aren't able to set boundaries with these people yet, or if they aren't capable of respecting boundaries you set, you just plain don't have to go.

You get to have a wonderful holiday. You are not required to sacrifice it for someone who treats you badly just because you are related to them. Wrap up this book, stick a bow on it, send it to them as a present, and say, "When you understand Chapter_________, give me a call."

Other options are:

• "Dad, are you still drinking? You are? Okay, well, have a nice Christmas. I've got other plans this year."
• "Mom, you just criticized me three times in the first minute of our conversation. I don't want to spend a whole day with more of the same. I won't be there for Super Bowl Sunday."
• "Sis, I'll come to Thanksgiving dinner if you'll agree not to make any comments about my body, weight, or clothing. If you can do that, I'll come. But at the first comment, I'm out of there. What do you hear me saying?"

Gifts

The fine art of gift giving can strengthen the boundaries of a relationship. A gift that fits its recipient enhances a relationship. A good gift communicates, "I care about you." A great gift communicates, "I know who you are." By taking a moment to think about your friend or loved one, you can pick a gift that says, "I know you. I know what you like and care about."

The closer you are to someone, the more important it is to give a gift that truly delights and pleases them, that they will use or enjoy. If you aren't able to imagine what that could be, ask them.

A message hits with more impact when it is wrapped in gift paper, because a gift sets up an expectation. We know to back up and put up some protection when someone is screaming at us, but when someone offers a pretty package, we lower our protection.

A gift opens us. We relax. In this opened state, the painful message behind a poorly chosen or inappropriate gift goes deeper.

Nevertheless, it's good to make allowances for people who love you dearly but just don't have much imagination. Since Dad's perpetual concern is for your protection, when you graduate from law school, he gives you a car jack. He truly means well and it comes from love, so you needn't be stung by it.

If someone close to you simply has not mastered the art of gift giving, give them a list of things you'd like to have, including sizes and preferred colors. In doing this you are saying, "Gifts outside this limit will strain a festive occasion and cast a shadow at a time when we could be strengthening our connection. Gifts within this limit will delight me and improve our relationship."

Cost is not as important as thoughtfulness. If your wife likes having her feet rubbed, ten cute handmade coupons for foot rubs might be appreciated more than expensive earrings.

Know what gifts would be a bomb. Most women would not like getting a vacuum cleaner for their birthday. I wonder if men get tired of getting socks and ties.

Giving a manipulative gift can harm a relationship. For example, Hortense always gave Lizbeth, her adult daughter, gifts that fit Hortense's expectations of Lizbeth. She wanted Lizbeth to join the Junior League and enter society, so she gave Lizbeth expensive clothes and jewelry that fit Hortense's lifestyle. But Lizbeth, who loved her job as a nurse at an inner-city clinic, wore jeans and T-shirts when she wasn't in uniform, and led a casual life. She had no use or room for her mother's presents, and the inherent pressure of such gifts drove a wedge between them.

Mitchell always gave his daughter clothes in the wrong size and style. He picked lovely things, but two sizes too small. Nancy took this as a message that he was critical of her weight. Plus, the clothes seemed more than a bit on the sexy side. It seemed just past the edge of appropriate, as if he wanted to see her dressed in a way that emphasized her sexuality.

Copyright © 2000 by Anne Katherine