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Dean Koontz’s unique talent for writing terrifying thrillers with a heart and soul is nowhere more evident than in this latest suspense masterpiece that pits one man against the ultimate deadline. If there were speed limits for the sheer pulse-racing excitement allowed in one novel, Velocity would break them all. Get ready for the ride of your life.
Velocity
Bill Wile is an easygoing, hardworking guy who leads a quiet, ordinary life. But that is about to change. One evening, after his usual eight-hour bartending shift, he finds a typewritten note under the windshield wiper of his car. If you don’t take this note to the police and get them involved, I will kill a lovely blond schoolteacher. If you do take this note to the police, I will instead kill an elderly woman active in charity work. You have four hours to decide. The choice is yours.
It seems like a sick joke, and Bill’s friend on the police force, Lanny Olson, thinks so too. His advice to Bill is to go home and forget about it. Besides, what could they do even if they took the note seriously? No crime has actually been committed. But less than twenty-four hours later, a young blond schoolteacher is found murdered, and it’s Bill’s fault: he didn’t convince the police to get involved. Now he’s got another note, another deadline, another ultimatum–and two new lives hanging in the balance.
Suddenly Bill’s average, seemingly innocuous life takes on the dimensions and speed of an accelerating nightmare. Because the notes are coming faster, the deadlines growing tighter, and the killer becoming bolder and crueler with everycommunication–until Bill is isolated with the terrifying knowledge that he alone has the power of life and death over a psychopath’s innocent victims. Until the struggle between good and evil is intensely personal. Until the most chilling words of all are: The choice is yours.
Velocity might be read as a flat-out exercise in escapist depravity - in other words, par for the course in popular crime fiction - were it not for the author's nonstop idiosyncrasies. Say this for Mr. Koontz: he is skillful in ways that make Velocity live up to its title, and nobody will ever accuse him of formulaic writing. He starts this book with a death by garden gnome. ("The gnome was made of concrete. Henry wasn't.") He includes a sweet young woman who believes she is a haruspex (a reader of entrails). In a further oblique nod to Scrabble, he makes Billy a woodcarver who likes listening to zydeco.
More Reviews and RecommendationsAmazingly prolific and relentlessly suspenseful, Dean Koontz can be counted on for chilling, sometimes gory stories that occasionally overlap genres. His novels can jump from straightforward crime to sci-fi to horror, but the one thing he's consistent about is delivering nail-biting yarns that have kept fans reading for more than three decades.
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October 13, 2009: MY FIRST BOOK BY KOONTZ AN ENTERTAINING PAGE TURNER BUT NOT A WOW GREAT BOOK
I Also Recommend: A Dangerous Fortune, Gone for Good, Rage of Angels, Lie Down with Lions, The Girls He Adored.
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September 12, 2009: Dean Koontz is an amazing author, and proves all of his critics correct with this novel. It is about a serial killer's mind games, and the civilian he uses them on. This is a page turner from start to finish, Koonts makes you want to find the killer, and make sure he is stopped. Koonts uses the killer as a god like figure controlling life and death, and forcing a mere civilian who is already dealing with his own problems to make an alarming choice. Koonts embodies the idea of suspense and its amazing. Although the ending leaves a little more to be desired it is an overall great read, so if your in your local book store pick up Velocity.
Name:
Dean Koontz
Also Known As:
David Axton, Brian Coffey, K.R. Dwyer, Deanna Dwyer, John Hill, Leigh Nichols, Anthony North, Richard Paige, Owen West, Aaron Wolfe
Current Home:
Newport Beach, California
Date of Birth:
July 09, 1945
Place of Birth:
Everett, Pennsylvania
Education:
B.S. (major in English), Shippensburg University, 1966
He is one of the most recognized, read, and loved suspense writers of the 20th century. His imagination is a veritable factory of nightmares, conjuring twisted tales of psychological complexity. He even has a fan in Stephen King. For decades, Dean Koontz's name has been synonymous with terror, and his novels never fail to quicken the pulse and set hearts pounding.
Koontz has a lifelong love of writing that led him to spend much of his free time as an adult furiously cultivating his style and voice. However, it was only after his wife Gerda made him an offer he couldn't refuse while he was teaching English at a high school outside of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, that he had a real opportunity to make a living with his avocation. Gerda agreed to support Dean for five years, during which time he could try to get his writing career off the ground. Little did she know that by the end of that five years she would be leaving her own job to handle the financial end of her husband's massively successful writing career.
Koontz first burst into the literary world with 1970's Beastchild, a science fiction novel that appealed to genre fans with its descriptions of aliens and otherworldly wars but also mined deeper themes of friendship and the breakdown of communication. Although it is not usually ranked among his classics, Beastchild provided the first inkling of Koontz's talent for populating even the most fantastical tale with fully human characters. Even at his goriest or most terrifying, he always allows room for redemption.
This complexity is what makes Koontz's work so popular with readers. He has a true gift for tempering horror with humanity, grotesqueries with lyricism. He also has a knack for genre-hopping, inventing Hitchcockian romantic mysteries, crime dramas, supernatural thrillers, science fiction, and psychological suspense with equal deftness and imagination. Perhaps The Times (London) puts it best: "Dean Koontz is not just a master of our darkest dreams, but also a literary juggler."
Shortly after graduating from college, Koontz took a job with the Appalachian Poverty Program where he would tutor and counsel underprivileged kids. However, after finding out that the last person who held his job had been beaten up and hospitalized by some of these kids, Koontz was more motivated than ever to get his writing career going.
When Koontz was a senior in college, he won the Atlantic Monthly fiction competition.
Koontz and Kevin Anderson's novel Frankenstein: The Prodigal Son was slotted to become a television series produced by Martin Scorsese. However, when the pilot failed to sell, the USA Network aired it as a TV movie in 2004. By that time Koontz had removed his name from the project.
Some fun and fascinating outtakes from our interview with Koontz:
"My wife, Gerda, and I took seven years of private ballroom dancing lessons, twice a week, ninety minutes each time. After we had gotten good at everything from swing to the foxtrot, we not only stopped taking lessons, but also stopped going dancing. Learning had been great fun; but for both of us, going out for an evening of dancing proved far less exhilarating than the learning. We both have a low boredom threshold. Now we dance at a wedding or other celebration perhaps once a year, and we're creaky."
"On my desk is a photograph given to me by my mother after Gerda and I were engaged to be married. It shows 23 children at a birthday party. It is neither my party nor Gerda's. I am three years old, going on four. Gerda is three. In that crowd of kids, we are sitting directly across a table from each other. I'm grinning, as if I already know she's my destiny, and Gerda has a serious expression, as if she's worried that I might be her destiny. We never met again until I was a senior in high school and she was a junior. We've been trying to make up for that lost time ever since.
"Gerda and I worked so much for the first two decades of our marriage that we never took a real vacation until our twentieth wedding anniversary. Then we went on a cruise, booking a first-class suite, sparing no expense. For more than half the cruise, the ship was caught in a hurricane. The open decks were closed because waves would have washed passengers overboard. About 90% of the passengers spent day after day in their cabins, projectile vomiting. We discovered that neither of us gets seasick. We had the showrooms, the casino, and the buffets virtually to ourselves. Because the crew had no one to serve, our service was exemplary. The ship dared not try to put into the scheduled ports; it was safer on the open sea. The big windows of the main bar presented a spectacular view of massive waves and lightning strikes that stabbed the sea by the score. Very romantic. We had a grand time.
What was the book that most influenced your career as a writer?
The high-school grammar textbook with which my teacher, Winona Garbrick, repeatedly rapped my head.
Otherwise, hundreds of books have had an effect on me. Perhaps the book with the most impact on my career, after the aforementioned textbook, was A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, which I did not read until I was in my thirties. The final scene reduced me to tears. More important, I began to think about how modern publishing had compartmentalized fiction into so many narrow genres. A Tale of Two Cities, as a new piece of fiction, would be hard to place on a contemporary publisher's list. It's too much of an adventure story and too much of a love story to win the favor of most editors of "literary" fiction. It is a serious novel of politics and revolution but is also darkly comic in places. Dickens does not shrink from the depiction of evil, and some scenes are horrific, but he also tells a story of redemption and self-sacrifice and hope that some (never me!) would consider almost sentimental.
The more I thought about A Tale of Two Cities, the more determined I became to write novels that bridged genres. This began to bear fruit with Strangers, and to a much greater degree with Watchers. My publisher at the time resisted both the variety I was delivering, book to book, but also the mix of genres within each book. Pressure was exerted to stay within the limits of one label. We had some wonderful rows! In time, readers responded with enthusiasm to my attempts to tell stories with the flavors and the techniques of multiple genres. I doubt I would have had a career half as successful if I had followed another path.
What are your favorite books, and what makes them special to you?
For three decades, I read no fewer than 200 books a year, and I still read a book a week. Out of that volume, choosing eight or ten as my favorites is no easy task, and a final list inevitably has an arbitrary quality dependent on my mood at the moment. In no meaningful order:
The four books I named are radically different from one another, yet you hear the wonderfully assured and ironic Goldman voice unmistakably on the first page of each. The Color of Light is one of the most dead-on portraits of a writer's struggle ever written, hugely entertaining; but if you learn nothing from it other than the mortal danger of taking the write-what-you-know dictum too seriously, it's worth a hundred times its price.
I could go on for pages. So many writers have made my life so much richer than it otherwise would have been.
What are some of your favorite films, and what makes them unforgettable to you?
Films do not move me in the same way that novels do because they lack the ability to explore the interior of a character in any depth. Consequently, I tend to find films of high intellectual intent to be empty shells, and the films that burn themselves into my memory are those that deliver sparkling wit or genuine emotion, or logically crafted suspense. I can watch The Philadelphia Story, Bringing Up Baby, and other screwball comedies every three or four years, and they are fresh to me because the writing crackles. Contemporary comedies seem incapable of the spot-on hilarious dialogue of so many films in the 1930s and '40s.
Two of the most involving and logically tight suspense films I've ever seen are James Cameron's The Terminator and Aliens. And I'm a Hitchcock fan because of the way so many of his movies blended suspense, humor, and love stories. For their ability to convey intense emotion (and a wide variety of emotions) in the service of important themes, I like Schindler's List, A Simple Plan, and The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.
What types of music do you like? Is there any particular kind you listen to when you're writing?
I listen to everything from classical to pop, but I particularly favor Big Band, Texas swing, and Zydeco. I've written hundreds of thousands of words listening to Chris Isaac, Paul Simon, and especially Israel Kamakawiwo'ole; Iz, the dynamite Hawaiian singer who died several years ago, had a beautiful voice and the ability to convey longing, joy, and other emotions with an effortlessness that enraptured the listener.
What are your favorite kinds of books to give -- and get -- as gifts?
I give books based on the interests and tastes of the recipients, so I give all kinds of things. What I most like to receive are illustrated books on any period of art or any kind of decorative objects -- by which I mean everything from a book on an artist like Childe Hassam to a full-color book on Art Deco radios or on beautiful engraved rifles.
Do you have any special writing rituals? For example, what do you have on your desk when you're writing?
I have to wear a five-point hat with five small bells, each of a different metal from the others, and leather gloves with knuckle spikes. Nothing unique about that. All writers have the five-point hat and the spiked gloves. I like the lighting low, music low, stacks of research surrounding me for easy reference, a bottle of flavored water -- usually cherry -- close at hand, which I'll drink either cold or at room temperature. For at least part of the day, though she might be bored, I like the company of my dog; she is a furry muse.
Many writers are hardly "overnight success" stories. How long did it take for you to get where you are today? Any rejection-slip horror stories or inspirational anecdotes?
I sold the first short story I ever wrote. Then I collected 75 rejections before I sold anything else. I was a part-time writer for two years and a full-time writer for eleven years before I had a paperback bestseller. I wrote for another five years before one of my books appeared on the hardcover bestseller lists. By the time I'd had two hardcover bestsellers, a major national magazine made a snarky remark to the effect that I was an overnight success who had "jumped on the bloody bandwagon of the vampire-novel craze." Because more than 18 years of work seems to stretch the definition of "overnight" a tad too far, and because I'd never written a vampire novel, I figured everything else that I was reading in the magazine must be equally empty of fact, and I canceled my subscription.
What tips or advice do you have for writers still looking to be discovered?
Most of the criticism you receive will be directed at your unique style. You will be pressured to modify your voice, to adopt the attitudes and prejudices of one herd or another. Thriller writers, science fiction writers, mystery writers, writers in every genre are expected to write like the successful models who have gone before them, with just enough exotic spice to intrigue without seeming dauntingly original. Even if you write experimental literary fiction, you will find that people who write and review experimental literary fiction have dogma that they want to enforce, and even out there on the imagined cutting edge, you will be shown the line that you must walk to be considered a serious writer.
Resist. If you conform, you might be granted admittance to the club, you might be "discovered" and acclaimed, but you will not then be the writer you could have been. If you repress your true voice -- and therefore your passion -- long enough, you will burn out. Walker Percy gave the best advice about writing advice that I know: "The best thing to do with advice, even good advice, is to listen as hard as you can, take it to heart, then forget it."
It sounded like some sick kid's idea of a joke. Under the windshield wiper of his car, Bill Wile had found the typewritten message: "If you don't take this note to the police and get them involved, I will kill a lovely blonde schoolteacher. If you do take this note to the police, I will instead kill an elderly woman active in charity work. You have four hours to decide." And then the beautiful blonde teacher is murdered…and a new ultimatum and a new deadline appear….
Dean Koontz’s unique talent for writing terrifying thrillers with a heart and soul is nowhere more evident than in this latest suspense masterpiece that pits one man against the ultimate deadline. If there were speed limits for the sheer pulse-racing excitement allowed in one novel, Velocity would break them all. Get ready for the ride of your life.
Velocity
Bill Wile is an easygoing, hardworking guy who leads a quiet, ordinary life. But that is about to change. One evening, after his usual eight-hour bartending shift, he finds a typewritten note under the windshield wiper of his car. If you don’t take this note to the police and get them involved, I will kill a lovely blond schoolteacher. If you do take this note to the police, I will instead kill an elderly woman active in charity work. You have four hours to decide. The choice is yours.
It seems like a sick joke, and Bill’s friend on the police force, Lanny Olson, thinks so too. His advice to Bill is to go home and forget about it. Besides, what could they do even if they took the note seriously? No crime has actually been committed. But less than twenty-four hours later, a young blond schoolteacher is found murdered, and it’s Bill’s fault: he didn’t convince the police to get involved. Now he’s got another note, another deadline, another ultimatum–and two new lives hanging in the balance.
Suddenly Bill’s average, seemingly innocuous life takes on the dimensions and speed of an accelerating nightmare. Because the notes are coming faster, the deadlines growing tighter, and the killer becoming bolder and crueler with everycommunication–until Bill is isolated with the terrifying knowledge that he alone has the power of life and death over a psychopath’s innocent victims. Until the struggle between good and evil is intensely personal. Until the most chilling words of all are: The choice is yours.
Velocity might be read as a flat-out exercise in escapist depravity - in other words, par for the course in popular crime fiction - were it not for the author's nonstop idiosyncrasies. Say this for Mr. Koontz: he is skillful in ways that make Velocity live up to its title, and nobody will ever accuse him of formulaic writing. He starts this book with a death by garden gnome. ("The gnome was made of concrete. Henry wasn't.") He includes a sweet young woman who believes she is a haruspex (a reader of entrails). In a further oblique nod to Scrabble, he makes Billy a woodcarver who likes listening to zydeco.
A diabolic killer plays a harrowing game of cat and mouse with a reclusive bartender in Koontz's latest gripping suspense thriller. Billy Wiles, a 30-something bartender and former writer, is content with his solitary Napa County existence listening to "beer-based psychoanalysis" from tavern regulars; visiting his hospitalized, comatose fianc e, Barbara; and carving wood sculptures. But the simple life gets mighty complicated when he finds a note with a deadly, time-sensitive ultimatum: he must choose between the death of a young schoolteacher or an elderly humanitarian in six hours. Reluctant local sheriff Lanny Olsen dismisses it as a joke until a comely teacher is found strangled and another threatening note appears-offering even less time for Billy to decide the fate of two more people. Who would have guessed that one of those people would be Olsen? After his friend's murder, Billy finds that the cunning killer has gained access to every aspect of his life as the ultimatums grow increasingly more personal. Suppressing horrific childhood memories, Billy scrambles to bury grisly incriminating evidence the murderer has deviously planted. More gruesome deaths and shaky suspicions trap Billy right in the demented killer's lair for just the beginning of Koontz's serpentine showdown. Graphic, fast-paced action, well-developed characters and relentless, nail-biting scenes show Koontz at the top of his game. (May 24) Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information.
Koontz is a master storyteller, and his novels are usually startlingly original. In Velocity, Billy Wiles, a bartender leading a quiet life, is drawn against his will into a serial killer's monstrous game. This anonymous "freak" makes Billy responsible, through his action or inaction, for the identity of his victims and also keeps Billy frantically struggling to keep himself and his loved ones safe. Billy is an intelligent and highly sympathetic hero in this unrelenting story. Michael Hayden is an effective narrator, reading with clarity and understated drama. Highly recommended for all fiction collections.-Kristen L. Smith, Loras Coll. Lib., Dubuque, IA Copyright 2006 Reed Business Information.
Adult/High School-Bartender Billy Wiles's life spirals out of control after he finds a note on his windshield telling him that he has a choice: involve the police, and a "lovely blonde schoolteacher" dies. Do nothing, and an "elderly woman active in charity work" dies. His options only become harder once the killer targets people whom Billy knows and plants circumstantial evidence tying him to the crimes. His greatest fear is for his comatose fiancee, and he works frantically to find the murderer before Barbara is hurt. Koontz keeps the plot moving at an accelerating pace, and there are enough twists and turns to keep the story from being predictable. Billy isn't a hero in the traditional sense, but he is a sympathetic protagonist, an average man pushed to his limits by an implacable foe. Although there is a great deal of violence and an impressive body count, the worst of it occurs "off-screen." The themes aren't subtle, but they are worth considering--the importance of connection and community, the enduring power of love, and the validity of modern art. Velocity is a fast, entertaining read.-Susan Salpini, TASIS-The American School in England Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information.
Companion to 1996's Intensity: a spiritedly deft set of plates kept twirling in the air as Koontz takes on himself all the weight of his speed-driven suspense. Quiet Billy Wiles, a lapsed novelist with writer's block who at 14 killed both his parents, tends bar and has visited his fiancee, Barbara, daily since she fell into a botulism coma nearly four years before. Here and there, Barbara says something, but she never awakes. Then there's a note on Billy's windshield: If you don't take this note to the police and get them involved, I will kill a lovely blond schoolteacher somewhere in Napa County. If you do take this note to the police, I will instead kill an elderly woman active in charity work. You have six hours to decide. Since Billy doesn't officially go the police but rather to his cop buddy Lanny Olsen, the freak batters to death a lovely blond schoolteacher. Other notes appear, offering ambiguous moral choices based on Billy's inaction. Then the grisly notes ask for an action from him, with the freak demanding that Billy choose between a fast or slow death for the victim. Waste the bitch or torture her at length? Does all this have something to do with Dardre, Barbara's addicted fraternal twin sister who lusts for the $3 million now gathering interest in Barbara's trust fund from a legal suit for damages? Latest threat: Barbara's death at Whispering Pines Convalescent Home, followed by Billy's suicide. The velocity mounts and builds chapter by chapter to dazzling-devil thunderbolts. Though T.S. Eliot meets Charles Dickens in these pages (yes!), will Koontz, like Graham Greene risen from Brighton Rock to The Human Factor, at last apply his genius not just to tasty seasonal sproutsof suspense, but to something sustaining and memorable?
Loading...Part 1
THE CHOICE IS YOURS
Chapter 1
With draft beer and a smile, Ned Pearsall raised a toast to his deceased neighbor, Henry Friddle, whose death greatly pleased him.
Henry had been killed by a garden gnome. He had fallen off the roof of his two-story house, onto that cheerful-looking figure. The gnome was made of concrete. Henry wasn't.
A broken neck, a cracked skull: Henry perished on impact.
This death-by-gnome had occurred four years previously. Ned Pearsall still toasted Henry's passing at least once a week.
Now, from a stool near the curve of the polished mahogany bar, an out-of-towner, the only other customer, expressed curiosity at the enduring nature of Ned's animosity.
"How bad a neighbor could the poor guy have been that you're still so juiced about him?"
Ordinarily, Ned might have ignored the question. He had even less use for tourists than he did for pretzels.
The tavern offered free bowls of pretzels because they were cheap. Ned preferred to sustain his thirst with well-salted peanuts.
To keep Ned tipping, Billy Wiles, tending bar, occasionally gave him a bag of Planters.
Most of the time Ned had to pay for his nuts. This rankled him either because he could not grasp the economic realities of tavern operation or because he enjoyed being rankled, probably the latter.
Although he had a head reminiscent of a squash ball and the heavy rounded shoulders of a sumo wrestler, Ned was an athletic man only if you thought barroom jabber and grudge-holding qualified as sports. In those events, he was an Olympian.
Regarding the late Henry Friddle, Ned could be as talkative with outsiders as with lifelong residents of Vineyard Hills. When, as
now, the only other customer was a stranger, Ned found silence even less congenial than conversation with a "foreign devil."
Billy himself had never been much of a talker, never one of those barkeeps who considered the bar a stage. He was a listener.
To the out-of-towner, Ned declared, "Henry Friddle was a pig."
The stranger had hair as black as coal dust with traces of ash at the temples, gray eyes bright with dry amusement, and a softly resonant voice. "That's a strong word--pig."
"You know what the pervert was doing on his roof? He was trying to piss on my dining-room windows."
Wiping the bar, Billy Wiles didn't even glance at the tourist. He'd heard this story so often that he knew all the reactions to it.
"Friddle, the pig, figured the altitude would give his stream more distance," Ned explained.
The stranger said, "What was he--an aeronautical engineer?"
"He was a college professor. He taught contemporary literature."
"Maybe reading that stuff drove him to suicide," the tourist said, which made him more interesting than Billy had first thought.
"No, no," Ned said impatiently. "The fall was accidental."
"Was he drunk?"
"Why would you think he was drunk?" Ned wondered.
The stranger shrugged. "He climbed on a roof to urinate on your windows."
"He was a sick man," Ned explained, plinking one finger against his empty glass to indicate the desire for another round.
Drawing Budweiser from the tap, Billy said, "Henry Friddle was consumed by vengeance."
After silent communion with his brew, the tourist asked Ned Pearsall, "Vengeance? So you urinated on Friddle's windows first?"
"It wasn't the same thing at all," Ned warned in a rough tone that advised the outsider to avoid being judgmental.
"Ned didn't do it from his roof," Billy said.
"That's right. I walked up to his house, like a man, stood on his lawn, and aimed at his dining-room windows."
"Henry and his wife were having dinner at the time," Billy said.
Before the tourist might express revulsion at the timing of this assault, Ned said, "They were eating quail, for God's sake."
"You showered their windows because they were eating quail?"
Ned sputtered with exasperation. "No, of course not. Do I look insane to you?" He rolled his eyes at Billy.
Billy raised his eyebrows as though to say What do you expect of a tourist?
"I'm just trying to convey how pretentious they were," Ned clarified, "always eating quail or snails, or Swiss chard."
"Phony bastards," the tourist said with such a light seasoning of mockery that Ned Pearsall didn't detect it, although Billy did.
"Exactly," Ned confirmed. "Henry Friddle drove a Jaguar,
and his wife drove a car--you won't believe this--a car made in Sweden."
"Detroit was too common for them," said the tourist.
"Exactly. How much of a snob do you have to be to bring a car all the way from Sweden?"
The tourist said, "I'll wager they were wine connoisseurs."
"Big time! Did you know them or something?"
"I just know the type. They had a lot of books."
"You've got 'em nailed," Ned declared. "They'd sit on the front porch, sniffing their wine, reading books."
"Right out in public. Imagine that. But if you didn't pee on their dining-room windows because they were snobs, why did you?"
"A thousand reasons," Ned assured him. "The incident of the skunk. The incident of the lawn fertilizer. The dead petunias."
"And the garden gnome," Billy added as he rinsed glasses in the bar sink.
"The garden gnome was the last straw," Ned agreed.
"I can understand being driven to aggressive urination by pink plastic flamingos," said the tourist, "but, frankly, not by a gnome."
Ned scowled, remembering the affront. "Ariadne gave it my face."
"Ariadne who?"
"Henry Friddle's wife. You ever heard a more pretentious name?"
"Well, the Friddle part brings it down to earth."
"She was an art professor at the same college. She sculpted the gnome, created the mold, poured the concrete, painted it herself."
"Having a sculpture modeled after you can be an honor."
The beer foam on Ned's upper lip gave him a rabid appearance as he protested: "It was a gnome, pal. A drunken gnome. The nose was as red as an apple. It was carrying a beer bottle in each hand."
"And its fly was unzipped," Billy added.
"Thanks so much for reminding me," Ned grumbled. "Worse, hanging out of its pants was the head and neck of a dead goose."
"How creative," said the tourist.
"At first I didn't know what the hell that meant--"
"Symbolism. Metaphor."
"Yeah, yeah. I figured it out. Everybody who walked past their place saw it, and got a laugh at my expense."
"Wouldn't need to see the gnome for that," said the tourist.
Misunderstanding, Ned agreed: "Right. Just hearing about it, people were laughing. So I busted up the gnome with a sledgehammer."
"And they sued you."
"Worse. They set out another gnome. Figuring I'd bust up the first, Ariadne had cast and painted a second."
"I thought life was mellow here in the wine country."
"Then they tell me," Ned continued, "if I bust up the second one, they'll put a third on the lawn, plus they'll manufacture a bunch and sell 'em at cost to anyone who wants a Ned Pearsall gnome."
"Sounds like an empty threat," said the tourist. "Would there really be people who'd want such a thing?"
"Dozens," Billy assured him.
"This town's become a mean place since the pate-and-brie crowd started moving in from San Francisco," Ned said sullenly.
"So when you didn't dare take a sledgehammer to the second gnome, you were left with no choice but to pee on their windows."
"Exactly. But I didn't just go off half-cocked. I thought about the situation for a week. Then I hosed them."
"After which, Henry Friddle climbed on his roof with a full bladder, looking for justice."
"Yeah. But he waited till I had a birthday dinner for my mom."
"Unforgivable," Billy judged.
"Does the Mafia attack innocent members of a man's family?" Ned asked indignantly.
Although the question had been rhetorical, Billy played for his tip: "No. The Mafia's got class."
"Which is a word these professor types can't even spell," Ned said. "Mom was seventy-six. She could have had a heart attack."
"So," the tourist said, "while trying to urinate on your dining-room windows, Friddle fell off his roof and broke his neck on the Ned Pearsall gnome. Pretty ironic."
"I don't know ironic," Ned replied. "But it sure was sweet."
"Tell him what your mom said," Billy urged.
Following a sip of beer, Ned obliged: "My mom told me, 'Honey, praise the Lord, this proves there's a God.'"
After taking a moment to absorb those words, the tourist said, "She sounds like quite a religious woman."
"She wasn't always. But at seventy-two, she caught pneumonia."
"It's sure convenient to have God at a time like that."
"She figured if God existed, maybe He'd save her. If He didn't exist, she wouldn't be out nothing but some time wasted on prayer."
"Time," the tourist advised, "is our most precious possession."
"True," Ned agreed. "But Mom wouldn't have wasted much because mostly she could pray while she watched TV."
"What an inspiring story," said the tourist, and ordered a beer.
Billy opened a pretentious bottle of Heineken, provided a fresh chilled glass, and whispered, "This one's on the house."
"That's nice of you. Thanks. I'd been thinking you're quiet and soft-spoken for a bartender, but now maybe I understand why."
From his lonely outpost farther along the bar, Ned Pearsall raised his glass in a toast. "To Ariadne. May she rest in peace."
Although it might have been against his will, the tourist was engaged again. Of Ned, he asked, "Not another gnome tragedy?"
"Cancer. Two years after Henry fell off the roof. I sure wish it hadn't happened."
Pouring the fresh Heineken down the side of his tilted glass, the stranger said, "Death has a way of putting our petty squabbles in perspective."
"I miss her," Ned said. "She had the most spectacular rack, and she didn't always wear a bra."
The tourist twitched.
"She'd be working in the yard," Ned remembered almost dreamily, "or walking the dog, and that fine pair would be bouncing and swaying so sweet you couldn't catch your breath."
The tourist checked his face in the back-bar mirror, perhaps to see if he looked as appalled as he felt.
"Billy," Ned asked, "didn't she have the finest set of mamas you could hope to see?"
"She did," Billy agreed.
Ned slid off his stool, shambled toward the men's room, paused at the tourist. "Even when cancer withered her, those mamas didn't shrink. The leaner she got, the bigger they were in proportion. Almost to the end, she looked hot. What a waste, huh, Billy?"
"What a waste," Billy echoed as Ned continued to the men's room.
After a shared silence, the tourist said, "You're an interesting guy, Billy Barkeep."
"Me? I've never hosed anyone's windows."
"You're like a sponge, I think. You take everything in."
Billy picked up a dishcloth and polished some pilsner glasses that had previously been washed and dried.
"But then you're a stone too," the tourist said, "because if you're squeezed, you give nothing back."
Billy continued polishing the glasses.
The gray eyes, bright with amusement, brightened further. "You're a man with a philosophy, which is unusual these days, when most people don't know who they are or what they believe, or why."
This, too, was a style of barroom jabber with which Billy was familiar, though he didn't hear it often. Compared to Ned Pearsall's rants, such boozy observations could seem erudite; but it was all just beer-based psychoanalysis.
He was disappointed. Briefly, the tourist had seemed different from the usual two-cheeked heaters who warmed the barstool vinyl.
Smiling, shaking his head, Billy said, "Philosophy. You give me too much credit."
The tourist sipped his Heineken.
Although Billy had not intended to say more, he heard himself continue: "Stay low, stay quiet, keep it simple, don't expect much,
enjoy what you have."
The stranger smiled. "Be self-sufficient, don't get involved, let the world go to Hell if it wants."
"Maybe," Billy conceded.
"Admittedly, it's not Plato," said the tourist, "but it is a philosophy."
"You have one of your own?" Billy asked.
"Right now, I believe that my life will be better and more meaningful if I can just avoid any further conversation with Ned."
"That's not a philosophy," Billy told him. "That's a fact."
At ten minutes past four, Ivy Elgin came to work. She was a waitress as good as any and an object of desire without equal.
Billy liked her but didn't long for her. His lack of lust made him unique among the men who worked or drank in the tavern.
Ivy had mahogany hair, limpid eyes the color of brandy, and the body for which Hugh Hefner had spent his life searching.
Although twenty-four, she seemed genuinely unaware that she was the essential male fantasy in the flesh. She was never seductive.
Continues...
Excerpted from Velocity by Dean Koontz
Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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