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The Notebooks of Lazarus Long

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By Robert A. Heinlein

Baen Books

Copyright © 2004 Robert A. Heinlein
All right reserved.
ISBN: 0-7434-8844-X

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Chapter One

Always store beer in a dark place. by the data to date, there is only one animal in the Galaxy dangerous to man-man himself. So he must supply his own indispensable competition. He has no enemy to help him. Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking. Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it. Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect. If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science, it is opinion. It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another-but which one? Differences are crucial. Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet you can't win. A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved. Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button sorters. If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people. Your enemy is never a villain in his own eye. Keep this in mind, it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate-and quickly. A motion to adjourn is always in order. No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and in the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: "Come back with your shield, or on it." Later on, this custom declined. So did Rome. Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing-with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place. There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will know-so why fret about it? Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. It is better to copulate than never. All societies are based on rules to protect pregnant women and young children. All else is surplusage, excrescence, adornment, luxury, or folly which can-and must-be dumped in emergency to preserve this prime function. As racial survival is the only universal morality, no other basic is possible. Attempts to formulate a "perfect society" on any foundation other than "Women and children first!" is no only witless, it is automatically genocidal. Nevertheless, starry-eyed idealists (all of them male) have tried endlessly-and no doubt will keep on trying. All men are created unequal. Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate. Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys, it's more sanitary. Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child. Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry. N.B.: Circumstances can force your hand. So think ahead! (Continues...)

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Excerpted from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long by Robert A. Heinlein Copyright © 2004 by Robert A. Heinlein. Excerpted by permission.
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