The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex by Sari Locker

From Barnes & Noble

The Barnes & Noble Review
Finally, a fun, comprehensive, refreshingly readable sex guide that offers something for both men and women. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex is not for idiots at all; on the contrary, it's for the smart folks out there who recognize the importance of a healthy sex life! Our Family and Relationships editor had the chance to speak with the author, sex expert and TV commentator Sari Locker, about her latest book.

barnesandnoble.com: What do you say to people who wonder why anyone would need a book to teach them about sex, when sex is a natural thing?
Sari Locker: What makes amazing sex is when people are totally in the moment and it is just natural. But the reason why many people need more sex education in order to get to that point is that there are a lot of issues that come up when people have sex. One is body image; a lot of people can't get past the inhibitions they have about their body in order to feel natural and free during sex, and I teach them ways that they can do that in this book. Another big issue is the fear of pregnancy and STDs. If people don't have education, then they can't have sex in a free way, because they will find that sex becomes problematic. Similarly, if they have any kind of sexual dysfunction, it doesn't just resolve itself naturally; in many cases, they need education or treatment to get over it. But when it comes to things like sexual positions or variety of locations or alternative sexual lifestyles, for some people those things do come naturally, and some people do have that natural sexual creativity, but other peoplemightreally be seeking new ideas.
bn: How does this book differ from your first book, Mindblowing Sex in the Real World?
SL: My first book was aimed at people whose sexual activity is fairly new to them, while this book is very comprehensive, covering all aspects of sexuality, from body image to sex and aging to the fun stuff like positions and location.
bn: You were only 18 when you started working as a sex educator. How did you begin your career so early?
SL: I started college when I was 16, at Cornell. By the time I was 17, I was taking a lot of psychology courses, and I got interested in the psychology of adolescence, and through studying teenagers, I realized that I was interested in helping teenagers sort through their issues about sex and relationships. [At that point] two years into college, my major was educational psychology. I started giving lectures in schools, and by the time I graduated, I had already been published for some scientific research I had done. I went to Penn grad school and got my master's degree in sex education. I was 22. I came to New York, having known all along that I wanted to go on TV to talk about sex and write books for the general public. My feeling was that I was trained as an educator, and as an educator I wanted to educate as many people as possible. The best way to do that is through the mass media.
bn: What does the title of this book mean? Is this book for people who have no idea what they're doing?
SL: People should understand that the title of this book is just that — a catchy title. There is no such thing as being an idiot because you want to know more about sex.
bn: What part of this book was the most fun to write?
SL: I loved writing the sexual fantasy chapter. I liked explaining the top ten sexual fantasies, and talking about the steps people can take when they want to share their fantasies with their partner, and whether or not they should act their fantasies out. I liked the activity I came up with in which you think of ten fantasies, your partner thinks of ten, and then you sit down together and choose ten out of those 20 to be acted out. I think that's a solid way for couples to try new things and really communicate about sex. I also like explaining how to have sex online.
bn: What do you think of cybersex?
SL: I think that cybersex falls into a few different categories, and I like to address them differently. I think that writing a sexy email to someone who you're in a relationship with or who you're just starting to date is a lot of fun and is an alternative to phone sex. But when you write very sexually explicit emails, it gets a little dangerous, because emails can so easily be forwarded — for years. You always have to remember that your relationship might not last forever, but that your email on your ex's hard drive might! When it comes to anonymous sex chats, when you go into a chat room and instant-message with a stranger, to me those are like phone sex, but you have to work more because you have to type. But some people like to type the words rather than say them, so for those people the chats work very well.
bn: Is there a downside to this?
SL: For some people, they'll stay in on a Saturday night and go to a chat room instead of going out to meet somebody face-to-face. And I don't mean going out for casual sex; I mean going out just to talk to somebody. What we always have to remember is that human relationships are about connecting, and while the Internet is a terrific way to connect, it doesn't give you the intimacy that face-to-face contact does.
bn: What do you think is the connection between sex and love?
SL: Sex is the most special and intimate way that you can be with another person, and I think that when two people are in love, it strengthens the meaning of sex and it strengthens the meaning of their love. I think if people can enjoy having sex without being in love, then that's perfectly fine for them. But I think that everyone needs to be sure that he or she really doesn't need love and just wants to have casual sex. No matter how good the [sex] is, if afterward you feel guilty, or feel like you shouldn't have done it, or shouldn't have done it with that person, then I think it wasn't good sex. I think good sex has to feel good before, during, and after.
bn: What sexual myths will this book help dispel?
SL: I think that on the most basic level, there are still some people who think that sex is wrong, or dirty, or bad, perhaps because they grew up with some negative values about sex either from their parents or, perhaps, from religion. So certainly the section in this book that discusses sexual myths will help them understand that sex is a beautiful, natural, wonderful part of life. Also, I try to break a lot of the gender myths, such as that men always want to have sex and women always have to be convinced. Or the myth that men can't be monogamous — any man can be monogamous if he wants to be. Also [the myth] that sexual pleasure does not last throughout your life. [Sex] can be great until the day you die.
bn: Is there such a thing as a "normal" amount of sex in a relationship?
SL: No. There are lots of statistics — and I go through them in the book — about how often some people have sex in their relationships, but what's normal for your relationship is what feels right for you and your partner. If you want to have sex once a year, and that's okay with your partner, then that's perfect for your relationship. If you want to have sex three times a day and so does your partner, then that's perfect for your relationship. The only problems that do come up are when one person wants to have sex once a day and the other wants to have sex twice a week. It's very common that people have differing desires, and at the beginning of the relationship it might be the same, then change later on. Then they need to find a compromise or see a sex therapist to see if there is a way to compromise.
bn: Who do you think have sex more often, married people or singles? How does marriage affect the sex lives of people who have been together and unmarried for a long period of time?
SL: Married people have sex more often than singles, simply because married people have greater accessibility to a sex partner — their spouse. Singles who have casual sex might not know from one day to the next when their next sexual encounter will be. When a couple is living together but not married, they have sex with the same frequency as a married couple. When that couple marries, their sex life is usually not affected by their rings and their marriage license. Keep in mind, this is all based on sex research, and individual experiences may vary.
bn: How can people tell if they are in love versus just being attracted to someone?
SL: The difference between love and lust is that love is a peaceful, grounded feeling. When you're in love, you feel safe, and you feel happy — content. When you're in lust, you feel scattered, lightheaded, often jealous and possessive. Lust brings out more insecurities; love brings out more feelings of security.
bn: If people want to wait until marriage to have sex, is there any way they can know if their mate is going to be a good sex partner for them?
SL: You can't tell if someone is an amazing lover just by the way that person dances or eats food, or what somebody says — people will tell you how wonderful they are in bed, and they're not! You really need to be intimate to know how someone is sexually. But if you do want to wait to have sex until you're married, you can get some sense of whether the person could be a [good] lover for you. First of all, if the person generally doesn't have a lot of inhibitions, and generally feels comfortable with his or her body. That doesn't meant that you have to be naked together; you can tell from how a person carries him- or herself. If you have the opportunity to go to the beach together, you can get a sense of that person's body image. Another indicator is how that person generally talks about sex. If that person refers to sex as something that's bad or dirty or something that people shouldn't be doing...talking about people having sex in a really derogatory way, then that person probably has some issues and might not be able to be sexually expressive. You also might want to see if the person you're involved with has a sense of fun and adventure — is this somebody who loves to laugh with you? Also, you want someone who knows or who will learn how to use condoms and birth control properly. I think that's really important.
bn: Is there any statistical correlation between when couples introduce sex into their relationship and if the couple ultimately marry?
SL: I mention a study by Dr. Edward Laumann on page 35 in one of the "sextistic" sidebars. Dr. Laumann found in the course of his research that the longer you wait to have sex, the more likely you are to get married to your partner. He found that only 10 percent of couples who have sex during their first month of dating end up marrying. Forty-seven percent of those who wait a year or more end up getting married. This was not my research, but I included it because although I try not to push my values when I teach about sex, there are times when I want to remind people of certain things. One of these things is that they call it a one-night stand because it lasts for one night.
bn: So having sex too soon can undermine the development of a relationship?
SL: When people have sex on the first date, it can change the dynamic so much that it's awkward afterwards. I think the issue of having sex too soon is that when you get to know somebody physically before you know them intellectually and emotionally, things become out of balance.
bn: You mention that if someone is uncomfortable with his or her own body, it can have a negative effect on that person's sex life. What steps can people take to make themselves more comfortable with their bodies?
SL: For some people, learning to love their body takes time and effort. In this book, I devote a whole chapter to improving your body image. One of the activities that I describe step-by-step is a method of looking at your nude body in a full-length mirror to find the things that you like about your body. The exercise is meant to help people understand that it's very possible that they can love some aspects of their body. Finally, in order to improve body image, remind yourself of all the things you are besides a body. Tell yourself that you're loving, fun to be with, and worthwhile. Neither thinner thighs nor ripped abs are the answer to all of life's problems. Happiness in life comes from more than your body.
bn: Another topic you address is making one's home more romantic. What are some easy tips?
SL: The first thing to make your home more romantic is to clean it up. It's never romantic to have a pile of dirty laundry in the bedroom or to have dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. Even though you might have some fantasy about doing it on the dirty dishes like they did in Fatal Attraction, I think when it comes down to it, it's much more sensual to have a clean home. Little touches can really make a difference, like candles at the table during dinner, or a candle in the bedroom. Everyone looks great in candlelight. Also, big soft pillows, plush fabrics. Some people like satin sheets, but sometimes I think they can be slippery instead of sexy. Fresh flowers are great to have in your home to brighten things up. Look for the most fragrant flowers, like lilies, freesia, or sweetheart roses, because they make the whole room smell good. I also think to make your bedroom more sensual — get the TV out!
bn: What are the most important things you hope your readers will take away from this book?
SL: For readers who have any inhibitions about their bodies or about having fun with sex, I hope they can feel more comfortable with their sexuality than they did before they read this book. For readers who already aren't inhibited, I hope this book can help them be even more creative with their sex lives. I'm sure this book has information about new positions, locations, and specific techniques. There is so much about all of the creative aspects of sex that even the person who thinks they've done everything can find something new here.

From the Publisher

You're no idiot, of course! You know there's more to sex that the missionary position, that oral sex doesn't mean talking about sex, and that safe sex doesn't mean doing it in a bank vault. But when it comes to having a truly amazing sexual encounter, you feel like there's just no sizzle in your sex life.

You can make things hot! The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex has fresh advice on how to make smart sexual choices, cast aside you inhibitions, and keep your sex life exciting well into your golden years. In this Complete Idiot's Guide , Sari Locker gives you:

• Straight talk on lust, love , casual sex, and hot monogamy.
• Frank discussion of how to keep your sexual health in tip-top shape.
• Titillating tips to pleasure through touching, sexual positions, and variations.
• Illustrations and photos of amazing things that you can do with your body.

Product Details

• Read an Excerpt

Read an Excerpt

Sexuality Today

In This Chapter

• Get the facts from sex education
• Learn how a sexual revolution became a sexual evolution
• See how your sex life compares with the masses
• Find out reasons why people have sex

The more you know, the better a lover you will become. Sex is not like riding a bike. Sure the same old balancing act that you learned as a kid still works just fine years later when all you have to do is pedal to the store and back. But when it comes to sex, it's a whole new balancing act every time you hop on for a ride. It's possible to experience new things every time you do it. So it sure makes sense to learn what all those new things are, doesn't it, darling? On the metaphorical bike ride of your sex life, it's a good idea to push hard on the uphill side, glide freely on the downhill side, pop a few wheelies, and safely enjoy the ride.

Are You Sex Savvy?

Sex can be surreal, special, and sizzle—or it can be fumbling, phony and fizzle. You can experience all that sex has to offer. But before you starting trying a lot of adventurous sex tricks, there are some basics that you should master.

Some people think that they know all the ABCs of sex, and that all they need to improve their sex life is instruction about some new exotic sexual positions. But how much do you really know about sex? Find out how sex savvy you are by taking the following sex quiz.

Q: As people get older does their desire for sex decrease?

A: No. Sex research has found that 57 percent of men between the ages of 61 and 75 said that their desire for sex either remained steady or actually increased with age. And for older women, one study found that 52 percent of women age 70 to 79 report that they feel sexual desire as often as they did 20 years ago (Chapter 24).

Q: If someone has several drinks, will that person perform better sexually?

A: No. More than 4 ounces of alcohol will inhibit sexual performance. That means that after a couple of drinks, a man may be more apt to lose his erection and a woman may find it difficult to orgasm. In addition, alcohol often causes people to incorrectly use condoms and birth control, thus creating an increased potential for unintended pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases (Chapter 28).

Q: How long can sperm survive once a man ejaculates into a woman's vagina?

A: Once it is ejaculated into the vagina, sperm may live for up to 72 hours. That is why it is often difficult to determine when a woman can get pregnant. She may not be ovulating at the time of sex, but she may be the next day, or the day after that, and she still could become pregnant days after having sex if sperm is still alive inside her (Chapter 8).

Q: If someone masturbates three times a day is that person masturbating too much?

A: No. People can masturbate as often as they like, as long as they don't be-come obsessed to the point that it interferes with the rest of their life, their work, or their relationships with friends and loved ones (Chapter 10).

Q: What is the average size of an erect penis, and does size matter?

A: The length of the average erect penis is about 6 inches. Size only matters when it comes to issues of compatibility: If a woman's vagina is very tight and the man's penis is very big (or vice versa) then they might have some problems with size (Chapter 7).

Q: Does the G-spot really exist?

A: Yes, but…the G-spot is simply the name for an anatomical area on the upper inner wall of the vagina. It was named for Ernst Grafenberg, the German sexologist who extensively researched this area. The debate is not about if it exists, but rather, if it does anything. Some women report an increase in sensa-tion when the area is stimulated; others report that there is no increase in sensation there (Chapter 8).

Q: If someone has a fantasy that he or she wants to rape someone, does that mean that this person is dangerous and has a serious sexual problem?

A: Probably not. Rape fantasies are quite common. Rape fantasies are only dangerous if someone seriously considers acting them out. If it is just a fantasy, then it is normal (Chapter 17).

Q: If a man has the desire to wear a dress, does that mean that he is gay?

A: No. In fact, the majority of crossdressers are heterosexuals who are married with children. Only about 10 percent of crossdressers are gay, which is the same percentage of people in the general population who are gay (Chapter 20).

Q: If a couple practices Tantric sex, does that mean that the man can last for hours and not even ejaculate when he has an orgasm?

A: Not exactly. Tantra, based in Eastern philosophies, does make sex last longer, because it is intended to keep the couple focused on the pleasure, rather than a "goal," of sex. However, the majority of men who practice Tantra ejaculate during sex, just the same as they would when they have traditional intercourse (Chapter 21).

Q: Are the only people who practice S/M those who wear leather clothes and display their multiple piercings?

A: No. In fact, many people you'd never suspect practice S/M, which is the exchange of power or pain that can lead to sexual pleasure. It's not just about whips, handcuffs, and leather. For some people it can be simply an exciting way to spice up their sex lives (Chapter 20).

Q: Is it true that using condoms prevents the spread of all sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)?

A: No. There are some STDs, such as genital warts and herpes, that may be spread through skin-to-skin contact, by parts of the body that are not covered by a condom. For example, if a woman has a herpes sore on her outer labia, even if the man is wearing a condom, her sore could still come in contact with his scrotum, and it could be spread that way (Chapter 26).

To determine how you did on the quiz, rate yourself according to the following point system:

0–2 correct = You might need training wheels until you learn more. But don't worry, learning about sex will surely be a fun ride.

2–5 correct = You're a little rusty. Get out some lube, rotate that chain, and read the chapters to answer more about the questions you missed.

6–9 correct = You're already up the hill. With just a bit more sex education, you can sit back and enjoy the landscape.

10–11 correct = You're a master of sex education. You're ready to learn some of those fancy tricks.

How'd you do on the quiz? Even if you scored 100 percent correct, I bet there are some questions you have about sex that you'd love for me to answer. So read on— I probably answer them somewhere in this book. It is easy to improve your sexuality, if you get good sex education. The more you know about sex, the better equipped you will be to responsibly experience all the variety that sexuality has to offer. The goal of your sex life can be to have fulfilling experiences that you never regret. In order to do that, you have a lot to learn.

Lovers'Lingo

Sex education continues throughout your life.You may learn about sex informally from gossip from friends, talks with parents,and from televi- sion,movies,music,magazines, advertisements and books.You also learn about sex from having sex. Some people have formal sex education in school or in a religious setting.Sex education may contain information about biology,psychol- ogy,sociology,cultural issues,moral issues,and ethical issues.

Sari Says

You are not a "complete idiot " because you want to get more sex education!!In order to have amazing sex,you have to obtain as much good sex education as you can get.That 's why you are reading this book,and I think that 's simply amazing.

From Sexual Revolution to Sexual Evolution

Sari Says

During the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s,premarital sex became accepted for both men and women.While today people are generally more sexually conservative than they were during the sexual revolution,premarital sex is still just as common as it was then. Therefore,the sexual revolution made permanent changes in the way people behave sexually.

However, in the 1980s, the AIDS epidemic put a damper on sexual freedom. People were told that sex could kill. All of the freedom that was felt in the 1960s and 1970s turned into restraint in the 1980s. In the 1990s we entered a time when we could talk more openly about sex than ever before. There has been no time before now that so many sexual issues have been out in the open. Because of the sexually explicit nature of television, movies, magazines, books, many Internet sites, and even stories in the news, we talk about everything from adultery to anal sex to masturbation—topics that were formally taboo.

As we head into the 2000s, I notice that many people are frustrated, because they really want more out of their sex lives. There had been a sexual evolution: from repression to sexual freedom, back to repression again. Now, the pendulum has swung once again to a positive place of sexual desire. We are at a terrific time in the sexual evolution of our country—a time in which people are allowed to express their interest in sex, to seek and find amazing sex. We know that AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases, and unintended pregnancies are the difficult, negative consequences of sex. But we also know about the precautions that can help us continue to enjoy sex in a healthy way. Sex can bring great pleasure and happiness to everyone's lives...