Introduction 1
1 Do You Want or Need a Divorce? 5
Reasons for Divorce 6
How to Decide 7
Marriage and Family Therapy 9
Individual Therapy 12
Domestic Violence 12
Telling Your Spouse 13
Trial Separation 14
Understanding What Divorce Really Means 15
The Effects of Divorce 17
The Costs of Divorce 20
Divorce and Common-Law Marriage 23
If You Do Not Want a Divorce 25
2 Legal Separation 26
Legal versus Non-Legal Separation 26
How to Get a Legal Separation 28
Reasons for a Legal Separation 30
The Separation Agreement 30
What a Legal Separation Means 31
How to Live under a Separation Agreement 32
Separation as a Prelude to a No-Fault Divorce 34
Undoing a Separation 35
3 Family Court 37
Family Court Basics 37
How Family Court Can Help You 37
Family Court versus Divorce Court 38
How to Access Family Court 39
Preparing Family Court Documents 39
Family Court Hearings 40
What Family Court Cannot Do for You 40
4 First Steps in a Divorce 41
Protect Yourself and Your Children 41
Talk to Your Children 43
Tell the Important People in Your Life 44
Protect Your Assets 46
Control Your Spending 49
The Marital Residence 54
How to Find an Attorney 55
How to Evaluate an Attorney 55
How to Afford an Attorney 57
How to Handle a Divorce Yourself 58
Deciding What Type of Divorce You Want 59
How to Begin the Divorce Process 61
5 The Divorce Court Process 64
Understanding How Courts Work 64
Understanding the Roles of All the Players 65
How to Approach Your Divorce Case 66
Grounds 66
Covenant Marriage 67
Service of Process 69
How to Respond 70
Forms and Fees 71
Procedures 72
How to Streamline the Process 73
Howto Behave in Court and at Trial 74
Trial Procedures 75
Name Changes 76
Removal of Barriers to Remarriage 76
6 Divorce Mediation 77
How Mediation Works 78
How to Decide If Mediation Can Work for You 79
Benefits of Mediation 80
Drawbacks of Mediation 82
Costs 84
Mediator Qualifications 85
How to Find a Mediator 86
Why You Need an Attorney, as Well 87
Other Professionals and Mediation 87
Court-Ordered Mediation 88
Preparing for Mediation 89
Moving Mediation Along 90
The End Result of Mediation 95
What to Do If Mediation Is Not Successful 96
7 Other Alternatives to Divorce Trials 97
Arbitration 97
Collaborative Law 98
Co-Mediation 100
Shuttle Mediation 100
Attorney-Assisted Mediation 101
Long-Distance Mediation 102
Negotiating on Your Own 102
8 Children and Divorce 104
Helping Your Children through the Initial Separation 104
Types of Custody 105
How Custody Is Determined 106
Siblings 107
Supervised Visitation 107
Parenting Classes 108
Co-Parenting 108
Deciding Where Your Children Will Live 109
How to Create a Parenting Plan 110
UCCJEA 113
Grandparent Rights 114
Relocation 114
How to Deal with the Other Parent 115
Uncooperative Parents 117
Helping Your Children Cope with Parental Conflict 118
What to Do When You Can't Agree about the Parenting Plan 119
How to Prepare for a Custody Trial 120
Working with the Law Guardian, or Guardian ad litem 122
Helping Kids Cope after a Divorce 123
Cooperating and Coordinating with the Other Parent 123
Functioning as a Single Parent 124
Embryos 126
9 Dividing Your Assets and Debts 127
How to Think about Property Division 127
Marital versus Separate Assets 129
Your State Laws about Dividing Property 130
Prenuptial Agreements 132
Finding Property 132
Valuing Property 133
Special Considerations 134
How to Divide Household and Personal Goods 134
Real Estate 136
Businesses 138
Social Security and Pensions 139
Investments 140
Pets 141
Debt 141
Non-Concrete Assets 142
Tax Consequences 144
Dividing Your Property Yourselves 145
The Sneaky Spouse 145
Preparing for a Trial about Property 146
10 Child Support 148
How Child Support Is Calculated 148
Duration of Support 152
Other Expenses That Can Be Court-Ordered 153
How Child Support Is Paid 154
The Purpose of Child Support 155
Negotiating Child Support 158
Tax and Bankruptcy Implications 160
Preparing for a Child-Support Hearing 161
Modifying Child Support 162
The High Costs of Not Paying Child Support 162
11 Spousal Support 164
How Alimony Is Calculated 165
Duration of Support 167
How Spousal Support Is Paid 167
Modifying Alimony 168
Life Insurance 169
Health Insurance 169
Tax and Bankruptcy Implications 170
12 Emotional and Practical Implications of Divorce 173
Dealing with Friends 173
Dealing with Family 174
Asking for What You Need 176
Living Alone 177
Managing on One Income 180
Waiting through the Long Divorce Process 183
Self-Esteem 184
Depression 184
Anger 185
Grief 185
Being Responsible for Yourself and Your Children 186
Working after Divorce 186
13 After the Divorce 188
Finalization of the Divorce 188
Your Right to Appeal 189
How to Deal with Your Emotions 189
Helping Your Children Adjust 190
Putting Yourself Back Together Financially 191
Completing Paperwork to Comply with Court Orders 191
Paperwork Changes to Protect Yourself 192
Gathering Documents 193
Name Change, Revisited 194
Taxes 196
Rewriting Important Documents 196
Obtaining a Religious Annulment 197
Enforcing Child Support 197
Enforcing Alimony and Property Division 198
Enforcing Other Orders 199
Making Changes to the Parenting Plan 199
Moving Past Your Divorce 200
Planning for Your Future 201
Appendix A Resources 202
Books and Magazines 202
Web Sites and Organizations 203
State Bar Associations 206
State Collaborative Law Associations 209
State and Local Mediation Associations 210
Appendix B Sample Forms 216
Sample Separation Agreement 217
Sample Summons 231
Sample Affidavit of Service 232
Sample Response or Answer 233
Sample Request for Trial 235
Sample Simplified Divorce Settlement 236
Sample Judgment of Divorce 244
Sample Agreement to Mediate 253
Appendix C Frequently Asked Questions 257
Alimony 257
Annulment 258
Appeals 259
Assets 260
Attorneys 262
Child Support 264
Children 267
Counseling 270
Debts 271
Grounds 271
Household Expenses 272
Jurisdiction 272
Other 273
Procedure 273
Separation 275
Service 276
Index 278
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