The Book of Good Habits: Creative Ways to Enrich Your Life by Dirk Mathison

Slap up. Learn from the famous Washington socialite who, several years ago, lost her standing in the community after slapping a servant for sloppy work. If you must slap, make it a habit to slap someone who makes more money and is more prominent than yourself. In this way you won't be vilified, and may even earn a small measure of praise.

Be like director Ingmar Bergman, who has the habit of using this specific bit of visualization to help with the creative process: "If you can imagine," he says, "I throw a spear into the dark. That is my intuition, and then I have to send an expedition into the jungle to find the spear and to find a way to the spear. And that is absolutely another process. That is my intellect." This is Bergman's method. Try to find your own habits for giving your creative self a bit of a push.

. . . Eat shrimp when feeling blue for a dose of mood-elevating selenium . . . Take every vacation day . . . Wake up slowly . . . Travel by train . . . Plant trees to commemorate events . . . Use candles even when there's no special occasion . . . Keep your shoes shined because it's hard to feel bad with shiny shoes . . . And favor any drink that contains an umbrella . . . "Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mind was wearing one and got hit by a bus." -Bob Rubin

Have reel good grammar. Use "both" commas, and, quotations, sparingly. Don't be a guy who, like, uses no double negatives and random colloquialisms. Remember that clichés are a dime a dozen, and that big words are often unnecessary and superfluous. Don't mix your metaphors like some turgid green thumb. Don't be repetitive, or repeat yourself. And it goes without saying that it goes without saying. And remember to avoid exclamation points at all costs! They are appropriate for junior high love notes and novels with bare-chested men on the cover, but little else. So shun them! And have a nice day!

Make sure you're not being poisoned. The age-old habit of clinking glasses together in celebration may have started a method of insuring that one wasn't getting a bit of hemlock with his rum. Participants would spill a bit of their drink into the other's glass, and vice versa, to insure that they would either be safe or all die together. So keep up the tradition of paranoia by clinking glasses.

"Hair and teeth-a man got those two things, he's got it all." -James Brown

Go out in the noonday sun. If you are troubled by your youthful appearance and wish, for the sake of your standing in the community, to look old as soon as possible, get out there and bake. Forget sunscreen. Try, instead, to use baby oil for that deep-down burn. You should, by your mid-thirties, have the distinguished look of a person in their mid-fifties.