Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One by John Gray

From Barnes & Noble

Breakups punctuate our lives. Learning to get beyond the devastation of a broken heart is the subject of this lucid and realistic book. Gray's descriptions of how men and women respond differently to the loss of a love may not be true of everybody, but these gender generalities will help some readers recognize potential pitfalls. Memorable advice about getting to the next chapter of your life.

From the Publisher

Is it possible to find love again after a breakup, death, or divorce?

At the end of a relationship, it can sometimes feel like the end of the world. Devastation, loneliness, and bitterness are some emotions that exist due to a breakup, divorce, or the loss of a loved one. But with the help of this compassionate guide, Dr. John Gray expresses that you will survive and tells you how to find love again.

While the process of healing is similar with both sexes, there are distinct differences between the ways men and women heal their bruised hearts. In Mars and Venus Starting Over, Dr. Gray offers gender-specific advice on how to:

• Deal with pain
• Find forgiveness
• Discover the strength to let go
• Rebuild confidence
• Rise to the challenge of finding fulfillment again

Filled with gentle guidance, healing practices, and compassionate wisdom, Mars and Venus Starting Over will help men and women explore the meaning of loss, find their way through the healing process, and discover the secret to moving on.

Product Details

• Table of Contents
• Interviews & Essays
• Read an Excerpt
• Read a Sample Chapter

Table of Contents

Interviews & Essays

John Gray: Thank you; it's a pleasure!

John Gray: Thank you. I can't blame them either, being one of those guys. However, I support people with those values. In my book, MARS AND VENUS ON A DATE, I do suggest ways that women can tell a man that they want to wait to have sex in such a way that he doesn't take offense. Here's an example: "I want you to know that I am very attracted to you," or "I find you very attractive and I'm flattered, but I prefer to wait." It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing situation. The various stages of sex -- first base, second base, third base -- can all be enjoyed if you wish to wait. Unfortunately, our society still is in the darkness about the naturalness of masturbation. When men feel more comfortable with releasing their natural sexual urges on their own, or with their partner's assistance, then it's easier to wait.

John Gray: Some men love it. However, if a man doesn't make the first move, you can be less certain that he will pursue the relationship. Ideally, flirting is a way a woman can clearly let a man know that if he's interested in her, she will not reject him or his interest. In regard to my new book, MARS AND VENUS STARTING OVER, I suggest that while a woman is taking time to heal her feelings of loss, that she continue dating without getting too seriously involved. Often, after a relationship ends, women pull back from dating. They become more picky. A man has to pass many more tests before she will go out. Rather than raise her standards, I suggest to temporarily stop looking for a marriage partner or even a partner she would want to have sex with. Instead just go out with nice, interesting men. There are literally thousands of people that I've met whom I could enjoy a date with but I would not want to marry. Please, don't postpone finding a date by waiting for Mr. Right. He generally shows up when you least expect it and more often after a series of positive dating experiences.

John Gray: For a relationship to grow, physical contact can be just as important as connecting in the mind and heart. Women particularly need cuddling, affection, and attention. In a similar way, men particularly need sexual contact. One good suggestion is writing letters or email and then also telephone sex or over the Internet. This can be lots of fun. Both partners must be comfortable touching and pleasuring themselves as they imagine their partner touching them. While these measures help, nothing can replace actual physical presence and touch.

John Gray: It is very common for couples who separate to come back and make a relationship work. But not always. I suggest taking one day to attend a Mars and Venus workshop. Information on getting this assistance and support can be found at www.marsvenus.com or www.marsvenusinstitute.com, or simply call 1-888-MARSVENUS. In my new book, MARS AND VENUS STARTING OVER, I explore in great detail a series of easy exercises to heal unresolved hurt, blame, and resentment. These exercises would be ideal to assist you or your partner in removing the blocks to once again opening your hearts.

John Gray: Thank you for pointing out this common problem. Good communication around sex and extra support by the woman to awaken and sustain a man's sexual interest is very important. Up to 40, a man's sexual arousal is a given. For most married men over 40, they mistakenly believe that they've lost interest or at least lost much of their interest in having sex. This is actually not true. A man's physiology naturally changes. A shift takes place where he is no longer automatically in the mood whenever opportunity presents itself. He misinterprets this change as lack of interest. What he doesn't know is that with a little foreplay, a little oral sex, suddenly he is in the mood. An important training for men before and over 40 is to practice masturbating in the shower occasionally each week. This has a twofold purpose. Even if he's getting regular sex, it frees him from being completely dependent on his partner's mood for him to enjoy sexual release. Many men have lost sexual interest over the years because they don't freely masturbate and release their sexual tension at times when their partner doesn't seem interested or in the mood. It is particularly important over 40, because it helps a man to discover and experience that he could be feeling very uninterested in sex and then with a little hand motion and stimulation he can easily arouse himself, give pleasure to himself, and experience once again the delight of having an orgasm. This repeated experience gives him confidence that even though he doesn't feel in the mood for sex, part of him is willing, ready, and eager after just a little stimulation. This old saying, "Use it or lose it," applies directly to our sexual feelings. There are many examples and suggestions in my book, MARS AND VENUS IN THE BEDROOM, for men who want to awaken and sustain their partner's sexual fulfillment as well as techniques and approaches for women to initiate and awaken their partner's sexual feelings. One such technique, if she is wanting more sex than he does, is for her to regularly masturbate so that she doesn't feel sexually frustrated or become sexually demanding. She can tell her husband something like this: "I'm really in the mood, but if you're not, that's okay, I'll just take care of my needs. I just want you to know that while I'm pleasuring myself, if at any time you want to join in, you're welcome. If not, that's fine, too." This nondemanding invitation has helped many, many couples rekindle their sexual connection. Another reason it works is because as women approach orgasm, their body produces arousing pheromones which have a dramatic effect in awakening and arousing a man's sexual desire.

John Gray: As adults we tend to seek out opportunities to heal unresolved issues of our past. Quite often, women have unresolved issues with their fathers and, as a result, are automatically attracted to and drawn to men with similar attributes, characteristics, or even problems. When an adult relationship doesn't work out and we are in that process of starting over, this is an ideal time to heal the heart of any unresolved issues from the past. If we take time to honestly honor and look at our feelings of loss, quite automatically the unresolved hurt or losses in our past come up to be healed as well. Through this process of healing our hearts and starting over, we are free from the tendency to repeat our past, we are free to experience a soul attraction to a special person who balances and compliments who we are, to support us in our journey in this world. This kind of soul mate partner is different from being attracted to or compulsively drawn to someone who will assist us in reliving or reexperiencing some of our past unresolved issues. Certainly, a soul mate may have qualities similar to our parents. But not always.

John Gray: Thank you! It's been a real pleasure!

John Gray: I will. I love AOL!

John Gray: Goodnight everyone!

Read an Excerpt

When single again, men and women face different challenges. Just as we think,feel, and communicate differently, we also respond differently to the loss of love. During a crisis of the heart, a woman's instinctive and automaticreactions are not the same as a man's. Her issues are different as well as her mistakes. What is good for her is not necessarily good for him. Ina variety of ways, their needs are worlds apart. It is as if men were from Mars and women were from Venus.

Although we cope differently, both men and women can experience equallyagonizing feelings. Starting over after a divorce, a painful breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the most challenging experience of a lifetime.For most people devastated by the loss of love, it is beyond anything wecould have expected, predicted, or imagined.

Starting over after a divorce, a painful breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the most challenging experience of a lifetime.

Our hearts ache as they cry out in loneliness and confusion. We are stunned by our helplessness. We fight inside with our inability to change what has happened. We become distraught as we sink into the depths of despair and hopelessness. We feel lost and abandoned in a sea of emptiness and darkness.Time slows down and the passing of each moment seems like eternity.

After a loss, we fight inside ourselves with our inability to change whathas happened.

It is a struggle simply to fill each empty moment and get through the day.At times the bittersweet pain of loss is replaced by a dull numbness, but then something reminds us of our loss, and once again we long to feel and love again. Never before have weexperienced our need for love and connection so agonizingly. As we are forced to face and feel the raw pain in our hearts,we realize our lives will never again be the same.

Eventually, when the healing process is complete, we fully let go. In ourminds and hearts, we surrender and accept that we can't change what has happened. Being single again, we start to rebuild our lives. Once more,we begin to reach out to give and receive love. Although we could not have imagined it, our lives come back to a sense of normalcy. After the darkness of despair, the warm, comforting, and soothing sunshine of love reveals itself once again. Although this happy ending is possible, it is not guaranteed.

Understanding the Healing Process

To heal a broken heart, we must be able to complete the healing process.This requires new insight and understanding, but most people are not awareof what is necessary. We are not taught how to heal a broken heart in school,nor is it something with which we have a lot of practice. Being in the dark and vulnerable, we either blindly follow the advice of friends and family,or we simply follow our own instincts. We make decisions and choices that may sound reasonable but quite often are counterproductive. Though we findtemporary relief, in the long run we do not nurture or complete the healing process.

We are not taught how to heal a broken heart in school.

After the loss of love, some people do thrive again. Many are not so successful.After spiraling down to the depths of despair, they never make it out tothe other side. To various degrees and in different ways, they continueto suffer their loss. Aware of the pain of losing love, they hold back fromfully opening their hearts again.

Others, who appear to have let go, sometimes really haven't. They believe they have successfully moved on, but have done so at the cost of closingthe door to their hearts. To avoid feeling their pain, they have moved on too quickly. As a result they have numbed their ability to fully feel. Without realizing it or recognizing how they did it, they have closed up. They carry on in their lives unable to feel the love in their hearts. Their ability to grow in love and happiness is stunted.

Becoming single again is definitely a crisis. Like any crisis, it is a timeof danger and a time of opportunity. The opportunity is the possibility of healing and strengthening your heart and mind so that you will move onhealthy and whole. The danger is that you do not complete the healing process. Time alone does not heal all wounds. How we cope with the loss of love determines the rest of our lives.

How the Heart Heals

To ensure that we complete the healing process, it is important that we understand the basics of how the heart heals. This process is most easily understood and visualized by considering how a broken bone heals. An emotionalwound is abstract, but a broken bone is very tangible and concrete. Recognizing the various steps in healing a broken bone can assist us in acknowledgingand respecting the needs of our broken heart.

When a bone breaks, our body already contains the natural healing powerto correct the problem. It hurts, but eventually the pain goes away. As long as we don't interfere, the body heals itself automatically, in a predictable time period. When this automatic healing process is allowed and nurtured,the bone will actually grow back stronger than before. In a similar way,if you are able to nurture the healing of a broken heart, it also will grow back stronger. The pain and despair will pass, and you will find love andjoy again.

When a broken heart heals it actually grows back stronger.

When a bone is broken, it must be reset and then be protected in a castto allow the body's automatic and natural healing processes to occur. Ifthe bone is not reset straight, then it will grow back crooked. If it isnot given enough time to rest, protected in a cast, it will remain weak.Likewise, if the protective cast is never taken off, the bone will neverfully become strong again. Similar warnings apply to the process of healinga broken heart.

Mars and Venus Starting Over. Copyright © by John Gray. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Read a Sample Chapter

When single again, men and women face different challenges. Just as we think, feel, and communicate differently, we also respond differently to the loss of love. During a crisis of the heart, a woman's instinctive and automatic reactions are not the same as a man's. Her issues are different as well as her mistakes. What is good for her is not necessarily good for him. In a variety of ways, their needs are worlds apart. It is as if men were from Mars and women were from Venus.

Although we cope differently, both men and women can experience equally agonizing feelings. Starting over after a divorce, a painful breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the most challenging experience of a lifetime. For most people devastated by the loss of love, it is beyond anything we could have expected, predicted, or imagined.

Starting over after a divorce, a painful breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the most challenging experience of a lifetime. Our hearts ache as they cry out in loneliness and confusion. We are stunned by our helplessness. We fight inside with our inability to change what has happened. We become distraught as we sink into the depths of despair and hopelessness. We feel lost and abandoned in a sea of emptiness and darkness. Time slows down and the passing of each moment seems like eternity.

After a loss, we fight inside ourselves with our inability to change what has happened. It is a struggle simply to fill each empty moment and get through the day. At times the bittersweet pain of loss is replaced by a dull numbness, but then something reminds us of our loss, and once again we long to feel and love again. Never before have we experienced our need for love and connection so agonizingly. As we are forced to face and feel the raw pain in our hearts, we realize our lives will never again be the same.

Eventually, when the healing process is complete, we fully let go. In our minds and hearts, we surrender and accept that we can't change what has happened. Being single again, we start to rebuild our lives. Once more, we begin to reach out to give and receive love. Although we could not have imagined it, our lives come back to a sense of normalcy. After the darkness of despair, the warm, comforting, and soothing sunshine of love reveals itself once again. Although this happy ending is possible, it is not guaranteed.

Understanding the Healing Process

To heal a broken heart, we must be able to complete the healing process. This requires new insight and understanding, but most people are not aware of what is necessary. We are not taught how to heal a broken heart in school, nor is it something with which we have a lot of practice. Being in the dark and vulnerable, we either blindly follow the advice of friends and family, or we simply follow our own instincts. We make decisions and choices that may sound reasonable but quite often are counterproductive. Though we find temporary relief, in the long run we do not nurture or complete the healing process.

We are not taught how to heal a broken heart in school. After the loss of love, some people do thrive again. Many are not so successful. After spiraling down to the depths of despair, they never make it out to the other side. To various degrees and in different ways, they continue to suffer their loss. Aware of the pain of losing love, they hold back from fully opening their hearts again.

Others, who appear to have let go, sometimes really haven't. They believe they have successfully moved on, but have done so at the cost of closing the door to their hearts. To avoid feeling their pain, they have moved on too quickly. As a result they have numbed their ability to fully feel. Without realizing it or recognizing how they did it, they have closed up. They carry on in their lives unable to feel the love in their hearts. Their ability to grow in love and happiness is stunted.

Becoming single again is definitely a crisis. Like any crisis, it is a time of danger and a time of opportunity. The opportunity is the possibility of healing and strengthening your heart and mind so that you will move on healthy and whole. The danger is that you do not complete the healing process. Time alone does not heal all wounds. How we cope with the loss of love determines the rest of our lives.

How the Heart Heals

To ensure that we complete the healing process, it is important that we understand the basics of how the heart heals. This process is most easily understood and visualized by considering how a broken bone heals. An emotional wound is abstract, but a broken bone is very tangible and concrete. Recognizing the various steps in healing a broken bone can assist us in acknowledging and respecting the needs of our broken heart.

When a bone breaks, our body already contains the natural healing power to correct the problem. It hurts, but eventually the pain goes away. As long as we don't interfere, the body heals itself automatically, in a predictable time period. When this automatic healing process is allowed and nurtured, the bone will actually grow back stronger than before. In a similar way, if you are able to nurture the healing of a broken heart, it also will grow back stronger. The pain and despair will pass, and you will find love and joy again.

When a broken heart heals it actually grows back stronger. When a bone is broken, it must be reset and then be protected in a cast to allow the body's automatic and natural healing processes to occur. If the bone is not reset straight, then it will grow back crooked. If it is not given enough time to rest, protected in a cast, it will remain weak. Likewise, if the protective cast is never taken off, the bone will never fully become strong again. Similar warnings apply to the process of healing a broken heart.

When our hearts are broken, it is not enough simply to assume that we will get over it. Although the healing is automatic, without an understanding of the complete process it is quite possible and even common to interfere and obstruct the healing unknowingly. Using the analogy of healing a broken bone, we can begin to recognize and appreciate the three essential steps to healing a broken heart.

The three steps for healing a broken bone are: getting help, resetting the bone, and then giving it time to heal by protecting the bone in a cast. In a similar way, the three steps for healing the heart are:

• Step One:    Getting help

• Step Two:    Grieving the loss

• Step Three:  Becoming whole before getting involved again

Let's explore this analogy in greater depth.

The Three Steps for Healing the Heart

Step One: Getting Help

After breaking a bone, the first step is to get help. When you are wounded, you require the support of others. Even if you were an expert in setting bones, you would still find another expert to assist you. Likewise, when your heart is broken, the first and most important step is to get help. This is not the time to be stoic and push away your feelings of hurt and loss. Men can speed up their healing process by hearing from others who are in pain, while women particularly benefit from being heard. Sharing your feelings and spending time with people who know what you are going through is not only comforting but is essential to the healing process.

Men can speed up their healing process by hearing from others who are in pain, while women particularly benefit from being heard. Although reading this book is definitely a good beginning, it still does not replace your need for support from people who are experiencing a similar loss or have already been through it. If you were ever to take a workshop, join a support group, or seek help from a counselor, this would be the best time. The support of others who have healed emotional wounds and the assistance of a trained expert can ensure that you have the opportunity to heal completely. During a healing crisis, you are actually most receptive to what a counselor, support group, or workshop can offer you.

Throughout Mars and Venus Starting Over, we will explore the various ways men and women unknowingly push away the very love and support that is required to complete the healing process. In addition, we will focus on practical strategies for getting the support you need. Although there is no immediate way to take away the pain, you can get the necessary support to make it bearable. With the right help and at the right time, you will release your pain and experience the joy and peace of an open heart once again.

Step Two: Grieving the Loss

In the second step, after seeking help, the bone must be put back the way it was before the break. By resetting the bone, it then has the opportunity to grow back straight. Likewise, when your heart is broken, it must be put back the way it was before. In this second stage, we must take time to grieve the loss by remembering the person and what happened in the relationship.After the loss of a loved one, remembering your past together brings up painful feelings, but it also evokes the love you shared. Reexperiencing this love helps you to heal. This love soothes and heals the pain of loss. By feeling gratitude for the good times and forgiveness for the mistakes, the heart is filled with the love it needs to heal itself.

If you are healing from a painful breakup or a divorce and you feel rejected and betrayed, then it may, at first, be hard to grieve the loss or feel the love. You may be too angry. In this case, the challenge of "resetting the heart" is to find forgiveness. Then you will be able to grieve fully. Even when you are glad and relieved to end a relationship that was abusive, your challenge is to go back to remember your initial hopes and dreams, and then to grieve that disappointment. After parting ways, in order to reset your heart, you must seek to appreciate what was good and to forgive the mistakes. This process sets you free to move on with an open heart to find true and lasting love. It is impossible for your heart to open fully to another when it is completely closed to someone in your past.

As a result of resetting our hearts by fully grieving, we are once again able to feel the tender, innocent, and delicate desire in our hearts to care for another and to trust another's love. Without this healing, we may become too jaded to care or to trust once more. Until the healing process is complete, men tend to stop caring as much, while women have problems with trusting again. As a result, men may get involved right away, but they have trouble committing. On the other hand, women will tend to avoid getting hurt again by not getting involved. Until the healing process is complete, men have trouble making a commitment and women have problems with trusting again. In subsequent chapters, we will explore in great detail how to grieve a loss successfully and to feel our emptiness fully, so that we can fill up with love. Just as light follows the darkness of the night, the fullness of love rushes in to fill us up when we fully experience our inner emptiness.

Step Three: Becoming Whole

In the third step of healing a broken bone, after resetting the bone, we must then protect it in a cast and give it time to heal. Once it is strong again, it is time to take off the cast. In a similar way, in the process of healing the heart, we must take time to become whole before getting involved intimately. Before we can successfully share with another, we must heal our neediness and have a strong sense of self. The best time to get involved again is when you feel as if you don't have to. Ideally, we must be generally fulfilled and complete before entering into another intimate relationship. The best time to get involved again is when you feel as if you don't have to. Men commonly get involved too soon, while women will unknowingly push away love. Unless we take the necessary time before getting involved again, men will be restricted in their ability to give of themselves, while women are restricted in their ability to receive love. In later chapters, we will explore in great detail how men and women unknowingly sabotage this third stage and will examine practical suggestions for making sure you get involved again at the right time.
Starting Over
Being single again, our lives are suddenly transformed. It is as though we are suddenly faced with the rest of our lives and have no idea what to do. We are stripped of what is most familiar to us and often have no idea what to do. By taking this time to read Mars and Venus Starting Over, you will find that insight and direction.