From the Publisher

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers contains very practical guidance on how to express the teen's primary love language, how to teach them appropriate responsibility, and how to properly handle both parental and teen anger. It is a tangible resource for stemming the tide of violence, immorality, and despair engulfing many teens today.

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Table of Contents

Read a Sample Chapter

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers

Northfield Publishing

Chapter One

Did you know that sixty years ago teenagers did not exist as a separate generational group? The word teenager first came into popular use around the time of the Second World War. (See appendix 1 for a fascinating history of the term and a description of the first teenagers.) Though many changes have taken place since the first teenagers arrived formally on the social scene, there are plenty of similarities between the teens of the 1940s and those of the first decade of the twenty-first century.

From those early days of emerging teenage culture to its contemporary counterpart, the underlying themes have been the same: independence and self-identity. Throughout the years, teenagers in our American society have been active in searching for their identity while trying to establish their independence from parents. Neither of these themes played loudly in the pre-teenage era.

Before the industrial age, teens worked on their parents' farms until they were married and were given or inherited their own acreage. Identity was not something the teen sought; he was a farmer from the time he was old enough to work in the fields. The adolescent boy or girl was a child until he or she married; then the child became an adult.

Until the early 1940s, independence was unthinkable until the adolescent was married-and at that juncture, real independence was possible only if the parents were benevolent enough to help financially.

With the coming of industrialization, one's identity became more a matter of choice. You could learn a trade and work in the factory, thus becoming a machinist, a weaver, a cobbler, etc. Independence also was more of a reality because securing a job could mean moving to a neighboring village where, with monies earned, one could establish a separate residence from parents. Thus, the larger cultural changes became the backdrop for an emerging teenage culture.

Since the 1940s, teenagers have followed this paradigm of developing independence and identity, but they have done so in a rapidly changing world. One by one electricity, telephones, automobiles, radios, airplanes, televisions, and computers have expanded the possibilities of developing new styles for seeking independence and identity. The contemporary teenager lives in a truly global society. Interestingly, however, his focus continues to be upon himself-his identity and his independence. More about this later.

The places where the teenager expresses independence and identity have changed through the years, but the means continue to be basically the same: music, dance, fashion, fads, language, and relationships. For example, the musical genre has expanded through the years from big band to rhythm and blues, rock and roll, folk, country, bluegrass, heavy metal, rap, and so forth. Thus, the teen has much more variety from which to choose. But you can be certain that the teen's musical taste will be different from that of his parents; it's a matter of independence and identity. The same principle is true in all other areas of teenage culture.

So what characterizes the contemporary teen culture? How is your teenager similar and different from teenagers of other generations?

SIMILARITIES WITH PAST TEENAGE GENERATIONS

Facing Physical and Mental Changes

The basic challenges facing today's teenager are very similar to the challenges you faced when you were a teenager. First, there is the challenge of accepting and adapting to the changes that take place in the teen's body. Arms and legs, hands and feet are all growing sometimes in a disproportionate rate, producing the reality of "teenage clumsiness," which is sometimes extremely embarrassing to the teenager. Secondary sexual characteristics are developing, which may be both exciting and anxiety-producing. And what parent has not felt the pain as they watched their teenager struggle with that devastating enemy, acne?

These physiological changes produce numerous questions in the mind of the teenager. "I'm becoming an adult, but what will I look like? Will I be too tall or too short? Will my ears protrude too far? Will my breasts be too small? What about my nose? Are my feet too big? Am I too fat or too skinny?" On and on the parade of questions marches through the mind of the developing teenager. The manner in which a teenager answers these questions will have a positive or negative effect upon his/her self-identity.

With this physical growth, there is also an accompanying intellectual "growth spurt." The teenager is developing a new way of thinking. As a child, she thought in terms of concrete actions and events. As a teenager, she begins to think in terms of abstract concepts like honesty, loyalty, and justice. With abstract thinking comes the expanded world of unlimited possibilities. The teen now has the ability to think about how things could be different, what a world without war would look like, how understanding parents would treat their children. The world of expanded possibilities opens all kinds of doors for self-identity. The teenager realizes, "I could be a brain surgeon or a pilot or a garbage collector." The possibilities are unlimited and the teen may envision himself in numerous vocational settings.

Entering the Age of Reason

Adolescence is also the age of reason. The teenager is able to think logically and to see the logical consequences of different positions. This logic is applied not only to his own reasoning but also to the reasoning of parents. This is one reason why a teenager is often perceived to be "argumentative" In reality, he is developing his mental skills. If the parents understand this, they can have meaningful and interesting conversations with their teenagers. If they don't understand this, they can develop an adversarial relationship, and the teenager must go elsewhere to flex his intellectual muscles. With this rapid growth in intellectual development and the gleaning of new information, the teenager often believes himself to be smarter than his parents and in some areas, he may be right.

This advanced level of thinking leads the teenager into a whole new arena of challenges in the field of social relationships. The discussion of "ideas" with his peers and listening to their point of view gives rise to new levels of intimacy on the one hand and opens the possibility of an adversarial relationship on the other. Thus, development of cliques (small, close social groupings) among teens has far more to do with agreement over intellectual ideas than it does with dress and hair color. Teens, like adults, tend to feel more comfortable with those who agree with them and thus tend to spend more time socially in their presence.

Confronting Personal Morality and Values

The intellectual ability to analyze ideas and actions in a logical manner and to project outcomes of certain beliefs gives rise to another common teenage challenge; namely, examining the belief systems with which one was raised and determining if those beliefs are worthy of one's commitment. "Were my parents right in their views of God, morality, and values?" These are heavy issues with which every teenager must wrestle. If parents do not understand this struggle, they will often become a negative influence and actually push the teenager away from the beliefs and values which the parent has earlier taught.

When the teenager questions the parents about basic beliefs, wise parents welcome the questions, seek to give honest answers in a nonauthoritarian manner, and encourage the teenager to continue to explore these ideas. In other words, they welcome the opportunity to dialogue with the teenager about the beliefs that they have espoused through the years. If, on the other hand the parents condemn the teenager for asking questions, perhaps heaping guilt upon him for even thinking that the parents' beliefs may be incorrect, the teenager is forced to go elsewhere to share his questions.

Thinking About Sexuality and Marriage

Another important challenge for the teenager is understanding his own sexuality and learning masculine or feminine social roles. What is appropriate and not appropriate in relating to members of the opposite sex? What is appropriate and inappropriate in dealing with my own sexual thoughts and feelings? These questions, often ignored by parents, cannot be ignored by the teenager.

The teen's emerging sexuality is a part of who he is, and relating to members of the opposite sex is an ever-present reality. Most teens dream of someday being married and having a family. In a recent survey where teens were asked to rank a number of the important issues in their future, "eighty-six percent said that having a stable family will be the most important item on the blueprint of their future lives." Making the journey from early adolescence to that stable marriage and family which the teen desires occupies many hours of teenage thought.

Parents who want to help will use the normal flow of family conversation to address issues related to sexuality, dating, and marriage. They will also make available printed materials which speak on the teenage level and provide practical and sound information. For those teenagers who are involved in church, caring adults and youth ministers often provide sessions relating to sex, dating, and marriage. These classes provide a social context in which teens can learn and discuss this important aspect of teen development in an open and caring way.

Questioning the Future

There is one other common challenge faced by teenagers of the past and present. It is grappling with the question "What will I do with my life?" It involves choosing a vocation, but it is far deeper than that. It is ultimately a spiritual question: "What is worth the investment of my life? Where will I find the greatest happiness? And where can I make the greatest contribution?" As philosophical as these questions may appear, they are very real to our teenagers. More immediately, teenagers must answer the questions, "Will I go to college, and if so, where? Shall I join the military, and if so, which branch? Or shall I get a job, and if so, which job?" Of course, teenagers understand that these choices all lead somewhere. There is something beyond the next step and somehow, the next step will influence where teenagers end up. It is an awesome challenge for young minds.

Parents who wish to be helpful will share something of their own struggle, their own joys, their own disappointments. As a parent, you cannot and should not offer easy answers, but you can encourage the teenager's search and perhaps introduce your son or daughter to people of various vocations who can share their journey. You can encourage your adolescent to take advantage of vocational counselors both at high school and later at the university. But ultimately, you should encourage your teenager to follow the example of Samuel. The ancient Hebrew prophet as a teenager heard God's call and said, "Speak, for your servant is listening." The men and women who have made the greatest impact upon human history have been men and women who had a sense of divine call and who lived out that call in their vocation.

All of the above challenges are similar to the challenges that teenagers in all generations have faced. But the contemporary teenager lives in a very different world from the teenager of the past and certainly a different world from that in which his parents lived when they were teenagers.

FIVE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES

With all these similarities, let's not forget that a mighty gulf exists between the contemporary teenager and teenagers of the past; that gulf is the modern cultural setting in which teens face the challenges noted above. What are some of these cultural differences?

1. Technology

One of the most observable differences is that contemporary teenagers have grown up in a world of highly advanced technology. Their parents grew up with the telephone, radio, and network television, but for the contemporary teenager, cable and satellite television have created a much more global world than their parents experienced. A plethora of radio and TV channels provides access to every conceivable type of entertainment within our own culture. But the teenager is not limited to these programmed outlets. Every movie ever produced is available for rental at the local video store and every song ever sung can be purchased on a CD and heard on the teenager's ever-present boom box.

The contemporary teen has also grown up with the computer; they have both come of age together. Millions of teenagers have had their own personal computer as long as they can remember. The Internet superhighway has become a vast thoroughfare with both positive and negative influences upon the contemporary teenager. Besides giving our teens access to previews of upcoming movies, to broadcasts of radio stations across the country, and the ability to download the latest music, it allows them to communicate with friends as if they had instant messengers. In fact, with chat rooms and "instant messaging," the Internet is fast replacing the telephone as the teen's method of communicating with friends and discussing ideas. A recent survey indicated that teenagers use the Internet an average of 8.5 hours a week for chatting and E-mailing, compared with 1.8 hours spent using it for school work. These technological realities put your teenager in touch with the world and the world in touch with your teenager. Thus, the contemporary teenager is exposed to far more cultural stimuli than his parents ever dreamed.

2. Knowledge of and Exposure to Violence

A second cultural difference is that your teenager is growing up with far more knowledge of violent human behavior. Part of this is because of the technological advances, that is, more violence is reported through the media, but a part of it simply reflects our culture's thirst-almost obsession-for violence. Our movies, songs, and novels often rush toward violent scenes. A recent Gallup youth survey found that 36 percent of teenagers had seen a movie or television show containing a lot of violence in the past month.

Interestingly, in 1999 nearly eight in ten teens, 78 percent, told the Gallup organization that they "do not have a problem watching violent movies or television programs." However, 53 percent of the same teenagers agreed that "violence on television and in movies sends the wrong messages to young people." The same survey indicated that 65 percent of the teens surveyed believe that "movies and television have a great deal of influence on the outlook of young people today."

Continues...

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Excerpted from The Five Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman Copyright © 2000 by Gary Chapman
Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

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