Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent/Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex by Dr. Richard A. Warshak, Dr Richard Warshak

From the Publisher

Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to your children, perhaps even trying to turn them against you. If you handle the situation ineffectively, you could lose your children's respect, their affection—even, in extreme cases, contact with them.

Backed by twenty-five years of experience in helping families, Dr. Richard Warshak presents powerful strategies for dealing with everything from tainted parent-child relationships in which children are disrespectful or reluctant to show their affection to disturbances in which children virtually disown an entire side of the family.

Divorce Poison offers advice on how to:

• Recognize early warning signs of trouble
• React if your children refuse to see you
• Respond to rude and hateful behavior
• Avoid the seven most common errors made by rejected parents

This groundbreaking work gives parents powerful strategies to preserve and rebuild loving relationships with their children and provides legal and mental-health professionals with practical advice to help their clients and ensure the welfare of children.

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Chapter One

The Delicate Balance

Let us raise a standard to which the wise and honest can repair.
--George Washington

Fred slammed down the phone after his ex threatened to take him to court if he did not pay his child support on time. He turned to five-year-old Marty and said, "We can't go fishing this weekend. I have to work because your selfish mom is spending too much money."

Fred regretted his words almost as soon as they left his lips. The divorce was hard enough on the boy; hearing such criticisms of his mother only added to his stress. The hurt look on Marty's face confirmed that Fred had, in that moment, failed his son. The father resolved to do better in the future. The divorce was not Fred's idea and he was still bitter about it. Every now and then he would burden his son with some barb directed at the boy's mother, often blaming her for "leaving us." Each time he did this he was sorry afterward. But he never spoke with Marty about the harsh words. Marty's mom, who knew Fred spoke ill of her, never said anything to Marty about it. The little boy was left on his own to deal with the bad-mouthing. Meryl hated Doug, the father of her twin eight-year-old boys, and took every opportunity to let them know it. Doug refused to marry her after she became pregnant. Ever since then she wished he would just disappear from her life. But he didn't. He was actively involved with his boys and he paid his child support regularly.

Meryl's anger did not dissipate over time. She constantly maligned Doug in front of his sons. When Doug was afew minutes late to pick up the children, Meryl told them he was irresponsible. She belittled the gifts he bought. She told the boys their dad was a loser because he was a high school band teacher and could not afford to take them on expensive vacations. When Doug had to lead the band at Friday-night football games, he asked his sister to pick up the boys and bring them to the stadium. Even though the boys enjoyed the games and liked watching their father at work, Meryl complained. She told them that it was too bad they didn't have a father who could pay more attention to them. She even went back to court to ask the judge to eliminate the Friday-night contacts if Doug would not personally pick up his children. (She was unsuccessful.) When the boys told their mother that their dad was proud about winning the all-state band competition, she told them that he bragged too much. When Doug did nice things for the children that she could not think of how to criticize, she dismissed these by saying, "He's just trying to make himself look good."

When Meryl became engaged to be married, Doug hoped that this would help her get past her anger and stop bashing him. Instead, she became worse. She started pressuring her sons to call her fiancé Dad. At the same time she began referring to Doug by first name when talking to the boys. "Doug's on the phone," she would say. "Do you want to speak to him or should I tell him you're too busy?" "Doug's probably going to be late again." "Don't tell Doug where Dad and I are going on our honeymoon." Meryl returned to court, this time hoping to reduce the boys' time with Doug so that they could spend more time with "their own family," by which Meryl meant herself, her fiancé, and his son from a previous marriage. Despite the twins' strong attachment to their father, she did not want them to regard him as part of their family. Hoping to please their mother, the boys began telling her that they really didn't have such a good time with Doug. She exploited this by telling them about the fun things that she and her fiancé and his son would be doing while the boys were with Doug.

Doug worried when the boys began calling him Doug instead of Dad and asking to return home earlier than scheduled. He was not sure how to respond. His attorney advised him not to say anything that could be construed as criticizing Meryl because it might make him look bad in court. So Doug said nothing. The boys were given no help in coping with their mother's bashing of their father.

Richie and his new wife, Janice, were determined to move out of state with Richie's twelve-year-old daughter, Meadow, but first they had to win custody away from Giselle. Richie had always denigrated Giselle in front of their daughter, but now he intensified his campaign of hatred. He hoped that Meadow would share his hatred of her mother and ask to live with him.

One day Richie asked Meadow if she remembered the time her mother beat her with a belt. Meadow didn't remember. This was no surprise because the event never occurred. Richie brought up the event-that-never-was several times during the next few weeks. It was beginning to seem real to Meadow, although she wasn't sure if she actually remembered it or if she just remembered her father's account of it. Richie began casually referring to Giselle's violent temper. Although Meadow had never before thought of her mom in those terms, the more her dad and Janice talked about it, the more it seemed it must be true.

When Meadow complained that her mom wouldn't let her watch television until she completed her homework, Richie sympathized with her and told her that Giselle treated her too much like a kid. He continued to undermine Meadow's respect for her mother by referring to Giselle either as "the boss" . . .