Cracking the Communication Code: The Secret to Speaking Your Mate's Language by Emerson Eggerichs

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An in-depth study of the vital principles of cross-gender communication.

Communication between couples has been dissected in thousands of books and articles, so why does it remain the number one marriage problem? "Because," says Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, "most spouses don't know that they speak two different languages. They are sending each other messages in 'code,' but they won't crack that code until they see that she listens to hear the language of love and he listens to hear the language of respect." Dr. Eggerich's best-selling book, Love and Respect, launched a revolution in how couples relate to each other. Now with Cracking the Communication Code, the message can be studied and applied. The result will be better communication, mutual understanding, and a successful godly marriage.

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Table of Contents

Read a Sample Chapter

Cracking the Communication Code

Thomas Nelson

Chapter One

The Love and Respect approach to marriage is based on the awareness that any couple is always potentially on one of three cycles: the Crazy Cycle, the Energizing Cycle, or the Rewarded Cycle. None of these cycles is a permanent, static situation. A lot of couples, however, seem to spend most of their time on the Crazy Cycle, which is summed up like this:

WITHOUT LOVE, SHE REACTS WITHOUT RESPECT. WITHOUT RESPECT, HE REACTS WITHOUT LOVE.

Clearly, the Crazy Cycle triggers and fuels itself. When a wife feels unloved, she tends to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. When a husband feels disrespected, he tends to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. And around and around they go-on the Crazy

Love and Respect Must Be Unconditional

Scripture offers the answer to the Crazy Cycle in Ephesians 5:33-"Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (NIV). This verse is the summary statement of the greatest treatise on marriage in the New Testament: Ephesians 5:22-33. In verse 33 Paul pens God's commands (not suggestions) that husbands must love their wives and that wives must respect their husbands. What is more, the love and respect are to be unconditional.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control. When a wife chooses to come across respectfully even though she feels unloved, she can stop or slow the Crazy Cycle as well. On the other hand, life gets insane when a husband says to himself, "I'm not going to love that woman until she starts showing me some respect! I'll not talk to her!" Likewise, madness reigns when a wife says to herself, "I'm not going to respect that man until he earns my respect and starts loving me the way he should. I'll teach him!"

The secret to building a happy relationship is to recognize when you are on the Crazy Cycle-when you are not communicating, when you are in some level of conflict, be it mild or severe, or when life together just isn't going well. The Crazy Cycle can be low-key, with both of you trying to keep the lid on, or it can be intense, with angry remarks, biting sarcasm, shouting, and worse. The point is, whatever the intensity level of your Crazy Cycle, one and often both of you are doing crazy, dumb things that drive the other one nuts. Spouses may be doing these crazy things deliberately or unthinkingly, but always they are reacting to a lack of love (for her) or a lack of respect (for him).

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times to one degree or another. In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7:28 Paul flatly states that when two people marry they "will face many troubles in this life" (NIV). Such troubles can come in many ways, but one of the most common is that the best of husbands will say or do things that feel unloving to his wife or the best of wives will say or do things that feel disrespectful to her husband. As any married couple knows, life presents all kinds of opportunities for this to happen.

Sex Tonight? Who Decides?

Earlier in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul addresses a common problem in marriage: sexual relations. He makes it clear that "the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (v. 4).

Paul's words seem to describe a standoff. So who decides tonight whether or not there will be sexual intimacy? If he verbally pushes the issue, will she feel used and unloved? If she verbally declines, will he feel disrespected? Most couples know what this situation is like. All too often it turns into a clash. Feeling unloved, she speaks words of contempt: "It's always all about you. You never think of how I might be feeling." Smarting from what he perceives as disrespect and frigid unconcern for his needs, he speaks harshly and unlovingly: "You always have a headache. You care more about the kids than me. I'm just a meal ticket to you."

Obviously, inflammatory remarks like this get the Crazy Cycle shifting into high gear in a hurry. But does either spouse really intend for this to happen? Rarely. Most spouses are full of goodwill: each means the other no harm, but wants only good things to happen between them. Note that Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 the "one who is married is concerned about ... how he may please his wife ... [or] how she may please her husband." In the normal flow of marriage, neither gets up in the morning thinking, "How can I displease my mate or show I am not concerned about my spouse's needs?" Nonetheless, as the day goes by, things happen. Without realizing it, he may sound harsh and unloving, and she reacts with disrespect. Or she may treat him with disrespect in one of a dozen different little ways, and he reacts by not being loving. Conflict occurs, and that is when spouses can get nasty with each other. Both spouses are goodwilled people, but it sure doesn't seem that way at the moment!

And the problem concerning "sex tonight-yes or no" still remains. How can two goodwilled people deal with this issue so that they both feel loved and respected? Eugene Peterson's paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 offers some excellent clues: "The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality-the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to 'stand up for your rights'" (MSG).

Peterson's phrase "place of mutuality" points to the idea of creating a win-win situation. When the Crazy Cycle is going strong, both spouses are in a win-lose frame of mind. Spouses who seek a Love and Respect kind of marriage have many tools and techniques at their disposal to slow and stop the Crazy Cycle and create a win-win. Couples practicing Love and Respect learn that, because she sees and hears in pink and he sees and hears in blue, they are markedly different. In order to understand these differences, they need to realize that they send each other messages in code and they must learn how to decode each other.

The "Issue" Is Seldom the Real Issue

Just about every couple knows what it is like to get into a conflict that escalates into a full-blown argument and they are not sure why it happened. Spouses tend to write off these kind of arguments, saying, "If only she weren't so sensitive" or "If only he weren't so touchy." But those aren't the real issues at all. For example, when he hasn't called and gets home late for dinner and she erupts in criticism and tears, saying he is an unloving human being, the real issue isn't his lateness or her bitter criticism of his integrity. The real issue is that she feels unloved, and when she angrily attacks his character, he feels disrespected. After all, she knows that he often has to work late. It's part of his job.

The Crazy Cycle happens when spouses focus on their own needs and overlook the needs of the other. That's when the issues arise. The wife needs love; she is not trying to be disrespectful. The husband needs respect; he is not trying to be unloving. And once the Love and Respect couple grasps a basic principle-that the apparent issue is not the real issue at all-they are on their way to cracking the communication code.

Stay Off Each Other's Air Hose

Another key to slowing and stopping the Crazy Cycle is to realize that the wife needs love just as she needs air to breathe. Picture, if you will, that the wife has an air hose leading to a "love tank." When her husband steps on her air hose or pinches it in some way with unloving behavior, he will see her deflate before his eyes. He is stepping on her air hose, and she is crying out, "I feel unloved by you right now. Why are you doing this to me?"

On the wife's side of the Love and Respect equation, she should picture her husband with his own air hose leading to his "respect tank." As long as her respect is flowing through his air hose, he is fine, but if she starts to pinch or cut his air hose with sharp, critical remarks, his supply of respect will leak or be cut off, and he will react negatively because his deepest need is not being met. When either spouse's air hose is cut off in some way, the other will respond in kind. Both air hoses shut down, and the battle-the Crazy Cycle-is on!

Being aware that men see and hear in blue and women see and hear in pink (very differently) is extremely important. Working at decoding each other's messages is essential. Being careful not to step on each other's air hose (hers leads to her love tank; his leads to his respect tank) is vital. But all this information will do a marriage little good unless both spouses commit themselves to the tasks of unconditional love (by the husband toward the wife) and unconditional respect (by the wife toward the husband).

Unconditional Really Means "Unconditional"

Wives have little trouble grasping the meaning of unconditional love. God has wired them to love, but while they tell me they truly do love their husbands, they can't respect their men because of their unloving behavior. They continue to demand that their husbands earn their respect. Love is all that matters. If their husbands would simply love them as they should, all would be well.

For many wives, the concept of unconditional respect seems to be an oxymoron (a term created by putting together two words that appear to be incongruous or contradictory). But when a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation. If he must unconditionally love his wife as she demands and he must earn her respect as well, he is likely to just give up, shut down, and say, "I can never be good enough for you."

A major reason why wives have such a hard time with unconditional respect for their husbands is that they see and hear in pink while their husbands see and hear in blue. One wife described the problem perfectly: "We think so differently. I don't even relate to what he considers respect-or the lack of it." I struggled to help marriages for many years before I saw the answer to this problem in Ephesians 5:33. God is saying in so many words, "Yes, the two of you are very different, and I am telling you to love and respect unconditionally anyway."

Since that discovery of what was there all the time in plain sight, I have tried to convince wives that the best way to motivate their husbands to love them is to show them respect whether they deserve it or not. Women need to learn how to understand and use the word respect because, in truth, respect is what a man most values. By the same token, his wife's contempt is what a man most fears. And no husband will feel love and affection toward his wife if she seems to despise who he is as a human being.

Does unconditional respect mean a wife must respect evil behavior? Let me qualify what I mean by unconditional respect. Just as a husband is to come across lovingly even though his wife is not lovable, so a wife is to come across respectfully even though her husband is not respectable. This does not mean a wife must say, "I respect the way you get angry and refuse to talk to me." Such a statement is as silly as a husband saying, "I love the way you nag and criticize me." This is not about loving or respecting sinful behavior. This is about lovingly or respectfully confronting inappropriate behavior.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions). A husband may not deserve respect because he has not earned respect, but a wife's disrespect for him is ineffective long-term-and not biblical. No husband responds to disrespectful attitudes any more than a wife responds to unloving attitudes. Yes, if a wife is lovable, it makes it easy for her husband to love her, but the command of God to love one's wife has nothing to do with her being lovable. And if a husband is respectable, it makes it easy for a wife to respect him, but the command of God to respect one's husband has nothing to do with him being respectable. The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife's respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband's love by being more respectful. Always, Love or Respect is given unconditionally, according to God's commands.

On the wife's side, her greatest value is love. One of her greatest fears is that, if she shows her husband respect, he will treat her like a doormat, abuse her, or worse. Feminist voices have trumpeted this idea for years, but I don't buy it. The man with basic goodwill wants to serve his wife, and he would even die for her. When his wife shows him unconditional respect, in most cases he will feel like a prince and be motivated to show her the kind of unconditional love she desires. She is not a doormat or a slave. She is a princess who is loved and, by the way, respected also. Another key passage full of Love and Respect truth is 1 Peter 3:1-7. Peter teaches wives to show "respectful behavior" (v. 2) even when their husbands are being "disobedient to the word" (v. 1), and he goes on to say that husbands are to "show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life" (v. 7). To honor a wife is to respect her and treat her as an equal.

To carry further the word picture of the prince and princess, I believe the biblical order sees the husband (the prince) as first among equals. This is a responsibility, not a right. The husband and wife are equal in God's sight, but he is called upon to be the first to provide, to protect, to even die for his wife if necessary. The husband instinctively knows this and wants to fulfill his responsibility. On the other hand, the wife (the princess) instinctively thirsts to be valued as first in importance. Nothing energizes her more. This is not self-centeredness; it is her God-given nature.

When the wife respects the husband as first among equals and he honors her as first in importance, their marriage is balanced, and the Crazy Cycle will not spin. Granted, achieving this balance is not easy, especially if the Crazy Cycle has been spinning for a long time. A wife can slip back into wanting him to earn her respect; a husband can slip back into getting discouraged, thinking, "What's the use?" Typically, he may go into the familiar male funk known as "stonewalling" (refusing to talk, which drives the typical woman crazy). She may try unconditional respect and then begin to feel like a hypocrite because she really doesn't feel respectful, or she may remember all those hurts her husband caused with his lack of love and wonder, "Can I ever forgive him?" Naturally enough, the husband will be tempted to pull away. Since she really can't sustain this respect thing, what's the use? All he hears is how he's blown it again. "How could anyone love that woman!" Such a reaction is all too common. And let it be noted that, in describing these interactions, I am not justifying either's behavior but wishing for each to discover the power of staying the course with their Love and Respect responses.

Love & Respect is full of stories of husbands and wives who struggled to tame the Crazy Cycle yet succeeded. Wives have learned how to respect even when they don't feel like it, even when feeling rejected by their husbands' refusal to talk. Husbands have learned to love even in the face of a wife's criticism and contempt. They have learned to "take" the faultfinding from their wives and rebound in order to prove their unconditional love.

In short, couples can learn that marriage is a two-become-one proposition. Hundreds-and it's going on thousands-of letters prove this to be true. The Love and Respect Connection is stopping the Crazy Cycle in marriages all over the country. If husband and wife can commit to meeting each other's primary needs-unconditional love for her and unconditional respect for him-they will take a giant step toward keeping the Crazy Cycle under control.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Cracking the Communication Code by Emerson Eggerichs Copyright © 2007 by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs . Excerpted by permission.
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